Should I just take a deep breath and let it go....

[Sistermoondance]

I have a 13 yr old dsd, we get on well and she stays with us a couple of times a week.

The long and short of it is that I think her dad (my dh) spoils her rotten and it annoys me! I think she is a lovely girl but that she is not independent enough and takes too much for granted. Now I know this is just my opinion really and I don't know whether to take a deep breath and let it go because that is what my dh wants or whether to try and change things.

Examples of her being spoilt are: never having to do any chores at our house, not bothering to put rubbish in the bin, she leaves sweet wrappers and cans wherever she has been (and dh picks them up if I say he should ask her to pick them up), asking her dad to get up and get her a can from the fridge cos she is tired... (and mostly he does), leaving her shoes / bag in the middle of the room, getting a new phone for her birthday and an iPod touch for Christmas, getting my mac book to use at home to do her homework (otherwise my dh would have bought her a new one! Which we can't afford)...

I think she should have to do some clearing up- she is 13! Some washing up and putting stuff in the bin- at least if it isn't in her room. I also think it does young people good to want stuff and not get the best of everything particularly if they don't look after things they already have. She has already broken the screen of the iPod touch and thankfully she had to give one months pocket money towards fixing it, but still another £60 between my dh and her mum!

Am I just being a moany old bag? Or am I right in thinking that it won't help her respect nice things and be respectful?

Bit of perspective please...

My DSS has only just turned 6, so these sorts of "clearing up after yourself / helping around the house" issues are only just starting to come up, but even so...

My DP will try to get his son to tidy away his own games in communal areas (though it doesn't always work), and is adamant that no-one else tidies his bedroom for him except him (he's pretty good at making him stick to that) but I can sense that we might have different expectations of how much DSS does around the house as he gets older, in terms of clearing away glasses/plates from snacks, helping with the dishes, not leaving shoes in the middle of the floor etc. I'd quite like him to already be putting his shoes tidily somewhere that's not the middle of the living room, and/or not leaving empty food wrappers on the coffee table after a snack, but I haven't actually stated these opinions yet. I'm not really sure if it's realistic or not at the age of just-turned-6, not being a mum myself?

My strategy has been to pick one thing (the thing that annoyed me the most) and just try to get that changed. My worst thing was that DSS NEVER flushed the toilet after using it, which I couldn't stand. It didn't seem to bother DP, so I didn't really raise the issue with him but, I just started listening like a hawk whenever DSS went to the loo, and then as soon as I heard him exiting the toilet without a flush, I would call "you forgot to flush". Sometimes he'd attempt to come back down the stairs wthout doing it, but I'd just insist in a not-angry-just-insistent voice and he would go back up and flush eventually. Now he remembers to flush more often than not, and if he doesn't do it, he will do it as soon as I shout that he forgot, no more trying to wriggle out of it!

So I feel quite flush with success after this one, maybe after a couple of months when the toilet is being flushed 100% of the time, I'll move onto the shoes-in-the-middle-of-the-living-room thing...

...I literally just noticed the (unconscious, but albeit terrible) pun in the final paragraph of my previous post...apologies all!

lol - I thought that was very witty riverboat! My dsd's are 10 & 7 and I have been insisting for about the last year that they put their shoes and school bags away when they come in. it's not difficult is it? I do the same thing - pick one thing at a time. Trouble is I think they may be parents themselves by the time I get to the end of my list...

I don't think it's necessarily a step thing though, I seem to be having exactly the same problems with dd as I did with dsd. I think the difference is that it is so much easier to tackle when it's your own child. Dsd was on the whole pretty good if I asked her to do things, and I would regardless of whether dh though I should or agreed with me. But there were times when it would all kick off into an argument and I got the "you're not my mum stuff" or accused of treating dd differently. I think them not being your biological child brings a whole new dynamic to things.

And from what I gather from dsd's mum she is MUCH worse there and she gets shed loads more attitude that I ever did, so for that I am grateful!

my SD and SS - but especially the SD - were EXACTLY like sistermoondance's SD. When I first met them, I could not BELIEVE how little they did for themselves, how entitled they acted, how much their dad did for them...it was extraordinary.

Three and a half years on, we have made a lot of progress in this area. I think what made it possible was that he wanted us to move in together, and I made it very clear that it wasn't going to happen until some of this stuff was sorted out. When we decided to try for a baby, even then I was firm that baby and I would continue to live separately unless I saw real progress.

The first thing that happened was that he set up a chores rota. It took probably a year of CONSTANT nagging (from him - not me - this was still before we lived together) for that to become accepted. The kids still aren't perfect, SS in particular still needs to be reminded about EVERY chore - but they are resigned to it.

When we moved in together, I suggested that we raise their pocket money. We more than doubled it. BUT - there are two catches. 1, they now buy any 'nonessentials' from their own pocket money, instead of just getting him to buy anything they want. For instance, we still buy SD's shampoo - but if she wants new makeup, that comes from her pocket money. 2, the pocket money is in two parts. There is a portion of it that they get automatically, and the rest of it they ONLY get if all their chores have been done.

We also started a 'zero tolerance' policy in the common areas of the house. If they leave shoes or schoolbooks in the kitchen, for example, they have to pick them up at the day. NO EXCEPTIONS. They bitched like crazy at first, but now they are pretty good about it.

This has been really, really tough. And I don't mean to make it sound like we have it all sorted - it is definitely on-going, and I still get wound up about how little the kids do around here. But I KNOW we did the right thing - the house is livable now, the kids are so much less demanding and have greater respect for money, and DH isn't just their slave anymore.

Oh this is all so familiar. My partner's kids leave sweet wrapers/bottles all over his car and spill drinks on the seats, and they leave everything lying in his living room (yogurt pots, cans). I am shocked at this and when i mentioned it (his new car is a tip inside and covered in stains so I was shocked), he got all defensive. I wonder if they do it at the mum's house. Problem is I lose respect for him at not telling them something so basic.

Re holidays, nightmare. I try and only meet them for a few days or not go at all. His daughter (12) seems intent on ruining it if I turn up. She alters from rudeness to clinging onto him like she is his girlfriend. It is far from fun for me, and I really don't know the answer. I used to just not go but then I feel resentful that I am left out on all the big holidays, it is like I become single again. I am not sure how much longer I can tolerate the whole thing!