Really Need Advice Please :-(

[surreyrachel]

My DH sees his two children (14 and 13) one weekend a month (due to distance - 640 mile round trip) as well as for a week at Easter, a week in the Summer and a week at Christmas. The kids are at that age where they just want to be with their friends now and dont even really want to be spending time with their mother, let alone with their father who has been constantly badmouthed and slagged off by their mother (unknown why, she finished with him 10 years ago). When DH does travel to spend the weekend with them, they barely speak to him and just spend the entire time on Facebook / mobile phone / Playstation. DH has put up with this for a couple of years now and after many "pissy fits" and silent treatment from both kids, he is at the end of his tether. He has tried to discuss things with their mother, saying that although he wants to see them, if they dont want to come then they shouldn't be forced, but she wont hear of it and insists that he has them to "give her a break" (she doesn't work and the kids spend most evenings out / at friends / at grandparents etc.). DH however, works a 60 hour week and works 2 weekends a month!! DH has tried everything to make the kids happy, but they have been so alienated that it is hard and very upsetting for us both to see. They have made it clear to us that they dont want to come and would rather be with their friends and DH has told them that although he desperately wants to see them, he doesn't want them to be there if they are unhappy and dont want to be there. He offers to take them on day trips, swimming, cinema, shops to buy them clothes and stuff, but they are just not interested. Then their mother phones complaining that she has to buy them this that and the other and why didn't DH buy it while he was with them. When he explains that he offered but they weren't interested, she doesn't believe him! On last visit DH left half hour earlier as there was no point in sitting in silence and the kids were moaning they wanted to go back home. Their mother phoned DH and gave him a right mouthful because the kids went back to her house slightly earlier and ruined her weekend off! What is DH to do? Are the kids not old enough to be listened to? If they really do not want to spend the weekend with their father, should they be forced, just because their mother wants to go out on the beer? Dont get me wrong, DH desperately wants to see his kids, but it is very upsetting for him, when he tries so hard and they are so cold towards him. Then to get abuse from their mother too, is just getting too much for him. It upsets me seeing him so upset, but I just dont know what else he can do. Sorry for the long rant, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

My teenage kids spend a lot of time of their computers, facebook, on-line games and meeting their schoolfriends at weekends as well so really don't want to spend time with their father who is quite far away. However, I have always encouraged them seeing him and haven't slagged him off so I suppose it's easier to get them to go.

They also don't want to go out with me, visit relatives or my friends any more so I do understand that teenagers are a pain in the arse. However, I have noticed that if there is a visit somewhere involving an hotel, holiday or trip somewhere exciting then they are suddenly up for it. Could you and your partner book something up for them on a few of the weekends he is due to see them. I know this can cost a fair bit but a weekend or two spent without constant texting/computers whereby you are all fully involved in something (sporty, camping, adventure park, hotel with pool) could be a solution. I've found myself booking a few things I would never normally dream of doing but we have all ended up having a fantastic time.

I want to add my moral support too - I completely get where you are coming from (oh, and agree with mrscynical's post about if there's something interesting/novel that often gets a spark of interest!). Teenagers are just like that but it is extremely disheartening.

Perhaps there's another way of staying in touch more regularly - on fb, via email, etc. I know it's tough but a small amount of regular contact does really help.

We too have been dealing with an exw who is painful in the exteme so I completely sympathise. She has depression and drinking issues and is v unstable and this is so difficult for the children. She has been verbally and physically abusive to the children. We spoke to the NSPCC who basically said there's nothing much we can do but you can contact social services. We did that and they said it wasnt serious enough compared to what they are having to deal with generally. Trying to get custody is nigh on impossible. Youngest DSS now lives with us as a result as he couldnt bear it there any more. So do ask your DH to hang in there despite the difficulties. He's been amazing persistant and it's v admirable.

When I started to read the thread I wondered if there was a problem at home with the mum, just my gut instinct as my dss would be clingy towards his mum when there were problems at home. Your later comments confirmed this. My feeling is the teens want to stay close to their mum to protect her or they feel responsible for her. They may not even be aware of this, just instinct taking over.

Firstly you must recognise you are in a very difficult and complex situation - their mum isn't responsible and you have no real idea what they have to put up with at home. We've had a similar situation (maybe not as bad) but in our case the mum has moved various boyfriends into the DSS home so there is little stability.

What has helped us is to get advice from a trained counsellor, someone who knows about teens and complex family situations. She helps us to understand what could be behind DSS actions, how he might be feeling and suggest ways that we can talk to him so that he feels safe, secure and able to talk about his feelings. Talking will be key to this but I guess the mums alienation over years has made this difficult. Again we've had experience of this and unless you have actually experienced alienation it's hard to believe or comprehend. A recent minor example - DH & DSS were looking through baby pictures, DSS looked stunned and upset and we couldn't understand why, later we found out that he had been told that DH had left when ex was in the labour ward, struggling to give birth etc, this was completely untrue!! DH wasn't aware that this had ever been suggested and it's only now that the extent of the alienation is coming to light.

I don't think that you can do this on your own - you really need professional help so that the teens will open up to you and your DH. I've found my DSS will talk to me more than DH so maybe it's something you could try. They may feel disloyal talking to your DH. When I speak to DSS I make sure he knows I won't say anything to his mum, he has to know that as a result of telling me something WW3 won't break out at home. That's tough to do as I've been told things that make me feel so uncomfortable but with the help of the counsellor we find ways to keep DSS safe.

Good Luck

Just to add, teens of course want to spend time with friends but not to the extent of not seeing parents - especially if it's just once a month. Emotionally healthy teens will find ways to negotiate time with friends and whilst they might initially sulk at the thought of time with the 'rents' they usually enjoy it esp if the parent is spending quality time with them, activities, shopping etc.

wise words, smum99...

Thank you all so much for your comments and my apologies for not replying sooner. I will definately be taking on board some of the suggestions posted, including finding more exciting things to do with them on our visiting weekends and also I will look into DH and I talking with a councellor. I am so glad but also so sad that others go through similar things, obviously I dont wish anyone to go through this kind of thing, but if no-one did then there wouldn't be forums like this to discuss, share and help. Thank you all once again :)