he has children, I have one too! How will this work? Is there anybody doing it and making it work? Is it worth it??

[umma]

Sorry if this has been covered before..just wanted some advice...nobody to ask in real life as all my friends are still happily married!

Anyway bit of background, new partner has 2 children from previous marriage, I have one child from previous marriage too. Both have our own houses, money, jobs etc...looking towards the future (and I do think there could be a future :)) how would it work?

Has anybody been in the same situation, did you move in together? Do you regret it or is it the best thing you ever did? All children involved see the other parent often. Thanks

I'm slightly further down the road than you. DP and I moved in together last year, having been together for eight months. I have a DD, nine and he has a DS, eight. His DS is autistic and DP has joint custody, so we have DSS with us one out of every two weeks.

Blending families is extremely difficult. I really, really wanted the 'happy family' unit and for DD to have DP as the best thing to a father that there is (her real father has no contact at all). I want more children too and love DP, so thought it would all work out.

In a way, yes, we are a family. But it's been very very hard. I often think that I should never have moved in so quickly with DP and that I should have been far more aware of the difficulties involved in bringing two families together. However, for me, a lot of the massive problems stem from DP's insane ex and DSS's autism, rather than anything else. DP is brilliant with DD and whilst both our children argue a lot, I suspect most biological siblings do too.

If I were you I'd take things very slowly and not relinquish any kind of financial independence. I'm in a situation now where even if I wanted to leave DP (which I don't), I couldn't afford to move out anyway. Take baby steps and see what happens. Good luck!

can i just say OP that i am the worst in the world for taking advice that i know i should. it is almost like i have an aversion to doing the right thing if it is someone else that is telling me to do it. if no-one tells me what to do i am fine, i can work out teh right answer myself but if anyone tries to advise me, i am so stubborn i go completely teh opposite way. i am my own worst enemy.

Booy, I completley agree. I am a Mother too (and a good one!) which is why I am asking these questions, I only wanted to talk to people who have merged families and see what life is like, in reality for them. What is your experience if you don't mind me asking?

I WONT be doing anything any time soon, it'll be years rather that months I am sure on that. Been burnt before.

I know what reality is like...have been in love before, married,had child only for it to fall apart. My life is so differnt now as to what I thought it would be like, I never thought I would date again as I was very happy with my husband. So lot's of new things for me, which is great too :)

Lot's of negative thoughts and feelings on this thread tho...

mine is an unusual situation in that the guy i moved in with was actually my child's father but we had separated before ds was born and didn't speak for 3 years, so whilst he is his father, he had never lived with him and was almost like a stranger moving in with us, except that ds knew his name was daddy. for me it was slightly easier in that EXp is in teh forces so 90% of the time he was away from home and dady to day was as before, but things like parenting styles, money, plans for the future were a source of tension. EXp was what i would call 'old-style' when it came to parenting, i never ever allowed him to but he considered smacking to be the best form of discipline and would often tell me this when i was in the middle of disciplining ds. otehr things aswell like, how we were spending money. ihave pets and he resented the fact that i spent (my own) money on them. whereas i resented the money he gave to his gambler dad for yet another 'emergency'. i found it quite hard when he was at home because he would leave all childcare and housework to me. it wasn't what i wanted in a partner and i know now that we moved in far too soon to tell if it was the right thing to do (it wasn't). i think teh fact that we already had a child togetehr and i was already set-up in my own hosue made it too easy for that to be the next step for us.

thanks for that booy, I can see where you are coming from. I hope life is happier for you now x

yes, it is. we separated in august. we have another son now but i am still happeir being a single parent than i was with him.

First post on this board, it's been a big help to me just to read (I have no children of my own but my partner has 2 from a previous marriage). We have been together for 3 and a half years and are only just seriously considering moving in together.

My thoughts - hope they help:

A self catering holiday is a very good idea! You will understand a huge amount about your values and the way you parent your children during 2 weeks in a villa/apartment somewhere. You'll also understand how well the three children get on together.

It's also important at this stage in your relationship to be truly honest with yourself about him - don't ignore the things that in time will niggle and cause resentment (e.g. cooking/cleaning/entertaining his children while he watches the football). No doubt you are head over heels with each other right now (it's hard to imagine but at some point you were probably head over heels with your ex!).

So my advice (for what it's worth) take your time and don't make any big jumps or decisions until you've weathered a few storms together. The children are the most important thing in all of this, secure and stable children will make it all a lot easier in the long-term.

Hope that helps a bit.

Sorry Umma - I don't know how I didn't see your most recent posts - my reply is probably not really valid - seems like you are taking your time...

I am, I am, keep repeating this!!!! I know it will take a long time, which it should, it it ever does happen! Thanks x

"Thanks...redhen why do you wish you'd stayed apart?"

Just never being able to get away - teh incessant unfairness from the ex. Being unappreciated. Feeling like DSC come first and DS being pushed aside. The biggest issue for me has been not getting time alone with DS as the DSC are always here at weekends and atleast 1/2 evenings in the week as well. I work, so it's really not possible to do much in the evenings by the time I get home.

I really miss just getting up in the mornings when I want at the weekends and pottering about with DS in the house. What I get now are 5 kids all wanting my attention 2 hours before I ever even had to wake up before.

I think I feel outnumbered and overwhelmed. Probably because there are 4 DSC and 1 DS and also because we have moved into their home.

I do agree about the holiday though. There were some issues come up on our first holiday and I wish I listened to my gut instinct then.

Sorry you see the responses as negative... Think of it as just taking it slowly - enjoy the dating, having your 'own life' and trips out etc. to look forward to. Don't let it become squabbles about bedtimes and housework too soon. Different situation, but I jumped into a relationship fully with DH quickly and regret so much not enjoying all those early stages where you make an effort, getting ready to meet etc. etc. Make some memories :) x

You know, I have been quick to point out some of the negatives, but there are positives too. Thought it might be helpful for you to understand those too.

It's nice to feel that I have someone else as a backup, so if I get stuck in work or the car breaks down, I know I have someone else who could cook DS a dinner or pick him up from a club etc.

The financial backup too is comforting. Although I am no wealthier living with DP, I do have some sort of financial backup and I know that DP would help me out if I needed it.

It's lovely to know at the end of each day, there is someone to share your day with, someone to cuddle up to.

It's great for DS to have other kids to play with and because he's an only child, it stops him looking to me to be his playmate.

The DSC bring something else positive to my life too. It's nice to have girls to do girly things with.

Above all, I and DS are learning new skills and also learning some things about ourselves as we go along.

My advice, enjoy the freedom of being on your own but also the companionship that dating can bring. Day to day drudgery on its own can take its toll on a relationship, throw in a couple of difficult ex's, some children who are used to different boundaries and discipline and it takes the shine off things. Also, if you can, keep your house and rent it out. This gives you financial security.

Im in a blended family which I think, works pretty well.

My DD was 10, SD 8 and SS 5 when we all first met. We have been together for 6 years, married nearly 3. I think we got lucky and took it quite slowly but we have managed to navigate the minefiled of a blended family quite smoothly (so far) the kids just think of each other as brothers and sisters, the girls are especially close. My biggest worry was that my daughter would feel overwhelmed or unhappy and from the outset both she and my now DH knew it would end she was not happy.

Best thing we did though was make sure the kids have their own rooms and the SC get family time with all of us and also time with just their Dad. I also think it helps that we both get on ok with our exes.

I have never regretted joining our families together and although it isnt all plain sailing its so great to see everyone loving each other. I would say take it slowly but go for it.