Anyone had any terrible experiences of this whole step-parenting thing?

[Nagaseli]

I have just come out of a 5 year relationship because I simply cannot cope with being a step parent. I can't cope with the lying, the whispering, the manipulation, the unfair treatment of the kids etc etc and tbh I feel like a failure because I really thought I could do it. My aunt relived her memories of being a step parent today and said it was one of the hardest things she ever did and nobody can truely understand what it puts you through until they go through it themselves. Im wondering how many others have had such awful experiences of the whole step-parent thing. I know I'd never do it again but half of me can't help wondering if I could have done things differently.

I think it is easier to handle, and completely different when you dont have children of your own to add in to the mix - just stepchildren (as in my case) - I can see how that dynamic could be potentially very difficult.

I would never EVER get involved with another man with children and if DH and I split I probably wouldn't get involved with any man until my DD's are grown up and left home with lives of their own. Split with DD1's BioD when pregnant, she didn't see him from being 1yr and then twice since. Dated a man with no children when DD was about 3, he didn't even try to befriend her, I found some of her noisier toys hidden in the loft after I threw him out for telling my 4yr old DD that he hated her. Met my DH a couple of years later, he has a DS. My DD1 lives with us full time, DSS is dropped off every morning at 7.30am for me to take him to school, stays 2 nights mid week and every other weekend he stays Friday to Monday. I also pick him up from school and look after him the 2 days a week I don't work.

DSS's behaviour is appalling, always has been, even before DD and I arrived on the scene, this has created some terrible rows and bad feeling. DH at first tried to blame it on our arrival, then said he must be copying my DD's behaviour!!! She's generally a well behaved child . I personally feel he may have some mild ASD, possibly Aspergers? I've suggested it only to be met with the wicked stepmother accusation from DH and the 'oh he's just a typical boy' comment from his mother, whom I actually get on quite well with kids aside.

My DD1 resents DSS because he gets away with murder whereas DH is very hard on her. There is an obvious divide within our home even after the arrival of 'our' DD2, it's DH and his precious boy against me and my girls.

DH and I separated for a while last year after I finally snapped. DSS had wanted to take something off DD2 who was not even 2 at the time, she wouldn't let go so he grabbed her shoulders really hard and shook her, banging her head off the door frame. Naturally I screamed at him. DH told DSS to ignore me and warned me never to shout at his child again!!!! Obviously DSS never found out that our separation was anything to do with him and divised a new rota: Monday with Mum, Tues with Dad, Wed with SM and so on!

We talked things through, DH promised he could see the error of his ways and would change. I went back, tbh I thought I needed his support as we had just found out that DD2 is visually impaired and will eventually be blind. I also realised that I was still being used as DSS's childminder even though we were separated and therefore nothing had changed there. 6mths after reconcilliation things are back to normal. DH being far too harsh on DD1, DSS being a little get, DH and I arguing about it. It's never going to change

Blended families are a nightmare. I've realised now, why it is the sensible thing to firstly meet one's partner, then to have children together. When you do it in a different order, things get extremely complicated.

In a way, I'm lucky that DSS is autistic and therefore doesn't feel resentment at the fact that I'm with his father. And DP is aware of how hard I find things with DSS and his autism and we're trying to work through things.

I feel hugely defensive on behalf of my DD if DP ever criticises her. The biological bond is so strong. Similarly, he is defensive of DSS.

I've thought about leaving before but I adore DP, he is brilliant with DD and she loves having him around. We're having relationship therapy to help deal with the step-family situation which I think is a great way of being able to discuss issues in a neutral setting without getting into the same arguments.

I am sad for my friend who is just entering this situation..mostly because I realise now how hard I made it sometimes for my Dad's partners in the past - and wish I had been MUCH nicer to the nice ones. He generally presented a united front with them though, which reading this, was perhaps the fairest thing ie taking decisions together and sticking to them. It didn't seem very fair at the time though and our relationship was not terminally but irreperably damaged (not by one incident but by the gradual wearing down). My friend has strong views on her partners parenting and running of the household and plans to make big changes, there is a nightmare ex and her partner has been very clear upfront that the boys come first. I don't blame him for that, but my friend will lose out.

I have been a step-mum for 16 years now and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's now 18 and although it's a lot easier now she's an adult, there's still moments when I think "Beam me up Scotty". DSD has lived with us for 10 years and through her early teenage years hated me for being the one who said no and seemed to always come down hard on her. (Her dad also). Her own mum was cooler because when she stayed at her house she would let her drink, smoke weed, and have boys stay over, at 14! WTF! It was hard because although it was pretty much the same as I was with my mum as a teen, whatever sanctions we would put in place they were always counteracted by her mother.

Now she's older and has matured she realises that we are the ones who actually care about her and her well being. And her mother doesn't actually give a shit. She says now she can't believe a mother would ever let a 14 year old do those things.