What should maintenance cover?

[careerwoman]

Quick q regarding what should be reasonably covered by maintenance?

DSS is 18 and learning to drive. DH's ex just changed her car, admittedly to a smaller one so DSS could drive it, but its much newer and more expensive than her previous car, and she used money from her payments to fund it. (We know this as there was a discrepancy in DH's payments, purely accidently on his part, which meant she got a lump sum. The new car turned up 7 days after the cheque was given...) However, she has then asked DSS to pay for his own insurance - nearly £2k a year.

DH's ex gets over 1k a month (for 2 DSS only - it was a clean break settlement, so no maintenance for her). Is it unreasonable to think she should be able to fund the car insurance for DSS from this? DSS got a reasonable amount of money for his 18th birthday from us and DH's relatives, but this was not to pass onto his mother...

Clearly, this could all be a trick to ensure that DH coughs up more money to pay for this too! Clearly, we will pay, but, given she also has new partner and additional child, makes you wonder what the money is funding...

MJ and all of the rest of you - have just caught up with this post and can't believe where its got to!

You all sum it up perfectly! I know my DH agreed to all sorts, much of the debate came with 'I am only trying to do the best for your children...' from his ex throughout. Interesting view on the percentages and fairness - DH's ex managed to get 20% of bonus payments as well as income. No idea how that got passed! I think that helps to explain why we were so hacked off re insurance in the first place, as the bonus in a good year gives another few grand...

Interesting to hear how many of you are / become the breadwinners too. DH earns more than me, but once you take off maintenance, I put most money into the house. Also, he came to me penniless and in debt, as she got all the house equity, car paid off, and she even got money out of his pension!

I think what galls me most is that I want a baby. DH's ex wife had a few years off work when she had DSS1 and 2, because he earned enough to keep them. I cannot do that, as he gives so much to the first family. I will have to go straight back to work. Whilst I appreciate that they are his kids, etc, am pretty sure if they lived with us, they would not cost us anywhere near what they seem to cost his ex...

"we are a two person working family with one income... ie worst of both worlds."

Yep .... this effectively applies to many 2nd families. What really riles me is that so far as tax credits are concerned, the state acts as if these familes keep all the income they appear to earn on paper. Okay .... I know no-one keeps all of their income, of course not, but maintenance is something which has to be paid ... and our partners stand to be prosecuted if they don't. Conversely, the parent receiving the maintenance is, for tax credit purposes, assessed as if they don't get this extra income. (In theory, a PWC receiving a couple of thousand each month - yes, some do ! - who also works 16 hrs a week would still qualify for additional money from the state). This means that for some 2nd families, the amount of money they actually have once maintenance is paid would otherwise place them in the bracket where some tax credit would be awarded .... except it isn't as they are deemed to have more than they actually do. I was labouring under the impression that the idea of tax credits was to protect children whose family income would place them at a disadvantage but if you're a 2nd family, paying maintenance, whose income is close to the threshold you can find yourselves treated completely differently to the family next door who have exactly the same income as you do (after maintenance is paid) who are entitled to extra credit. Hope that makes sense !

i think mj's advice is sound - it was 3 years ago i finally got divorced (5 years after separation) and i had long-since gone back to work and as a result agreed a 50% decrease on maintenance payments with my exh... but it was certainly made very clear to me that i could not expect spousal maintenance or anything in terms of pension etc as i was only mid-30s at the time...i believe this is very much the norm now, that women should NOT expect to be supported for life, unless it's been a 30 year marriage in which case obviously it could well be different.

catsmother yes. maybe if this type of inequality was fixed then the resentment would eat away at me.

i am pregnant again (which i might add i am really bloody happy abaout..) and i supposed my pissed offness (nice phrase) comes with the recognition that not even my wage will cover 2 lots of child care.. so means DP will in all liklihood give up work to be a SAHD why I continue to work all the hours god created to maintain my household and his ex partners household and frankly its not bloody fair. i want to be kept too. i wouldnt even mind being an ex- as at least i get SOME assistance financially. instead, i miss out. just because i am successful at work i seem to get the bloody role of keeping everyone. oh and i am sure that it will not mean that i will have any say at all about how much is paid out and what the arrangements are... oh no.. i will just be funding all the decisions. I really dont want any of my money (earnt by not seeing my child/children) going to an ex so that she then does not have to work as much and can therefore see her child more.

Lateatwork - I agree that your situation is horribly unfair. Just a thought - but what if you decided not to return to work once your baby is born ..... ?????

catsmother you are right. We don't get tax credits because our joint income is a little over the threshold. We pay a lot of maintenance to his ex so our income is no where near what it looks on paper.

So my DD gets no support from the government.

His ex, on the other hand doesnt have to declare the maintenance she gets and so gets tax credits as well... We lose both ways.. she gains both ways..

Lets think of it this way ladies - how must it feel for those exs... having their household supported by another woman..?

Maybe from where we are sat it seems like a nice thought to be getting money thrown at you from all angles while you paint your nails and watch gossip girl reruns but there can't be much pride in it.

I'd rather be in my wornoutneedreplacingcantafforditwhileshe wearscavalli shoes than hers any day.

mj you are right about the abuse

secondmrss same here. my DD doesnt qualify for any type of govt assistance either.

mj DP would like DBS to live with us too. But i can never ever ever ever see that happening... In fact, I would love it if he came to live with us too.

petal if i didnt work, we would be leading a very different lifestyle. I cant bring myself to go down that path. I think DP kinda relies on that in a way.... but i am going to test this and see if he pulls his finger out. I have already told him i am going to take the full 12 months so he will have to pay for EVERYTHING for the time I dont get maternity pay. Hopefully, this is sinking in slowly....

Lateatwork ? I do wonder if your imminent maternity leave, and the fact you?ll be in a ?no salary? situation for several months, might actually do your situation some good. I?m sure your DP doesn?t mean to take your salary for granted, but you did say he relies on your work ethic, and the money it produces.

Hypothetically, if you decided not to return to work after your baby (I know you?re not keen to take this route) how would this affect the money you pay to the ex? I ask this, because sadly it might be the only way of getting your DP to pay less to his ex? I?m not suggesting his children should suffer, and I expect any reduction in payments from him would be replaced by extra benefits, but I think it?s so wrong that you should be working, to support your partner, only to have him support his ex to stay at home. That really sticks in my throat.

What I?m trying to say is, without your income, could your DP pay less maintenance?

Late response I know - but - SecondMrsS, you ask a good question about coats.

I asked Himself about it and he said that if he had realised at the time he made the agreement that it wasn't a norm to pay maintenance and also half of things like uniform too then he wouldn't have agreed to it - but it's part of the agreement now.

I do really admire his approach of 'just let it go or you get all twisted and bitter', but I suppose it's easy for us because (at the moment) we aren't too stuck for £ so can afford the agreement that's been reached. Perhaps, if our circumstances change in the future we'll feel very differently.

Indeed maca. mj I agree with everything you say and I think you and I are coming from different points but arriving in the same place. I wonder how may RPs would still want to be RPs if they didn't get maintenance?

I know for a fact that my DSDs mum only has her DD more than her dad does because it means she can hold the benefit book. So sad. He'd love to have his DD live here but she wont allow it because she says she couldnt afford to live without his money. Saying that, we acually have er almost 50% of the time and as you say of your situation, she has a loving home here to all set up with everything she needs so why are we also paying for this at her mum's house? Because, as you also said, her pride is solely derived from the fact that she has given birth, in her eyes that is where her responsibility began and ended.

My ex on the other hand, seems to resent paying maintenance but doesnt want 50/50 care either fine by me because I want DD here with me but i'd let him have her and lose the money if he wanted.