Full time step-mums / wives of widowers wanted!!!

[tallpoppies]

Are there any other full-time step mums on here? I married a widower and have 2 young stepsons as well as my own biological daughter. I really need to chat to other mums in the same situation and maybe offer mutual advice on how to deal with things. I'm struggling a bit at the moment and want to make things work but blending a family just seems so damn difficult all the time.

Hi Petal02...I have read other posts you have submitted and read them with interest too!
Unfortunately DSD lives with us but that is exactly how it sometimes feels...she is his wife!!! DP only does things if she says its ok at times...I don't get asked!!! It can be like it all evolves around her...and I don't want that...he is the adult and should be the guiding force...sometimes when he has told her off about something I have heard him saying sorry for doing so!!

this is my first visit to mumsnet, and i am so glad i saw this thread.

i am married to a widower; he has two kids, my DSD16 and DSS13. we also have our own daughter who is 1 year old.

i get on pretty well with DSS13, and i love him....but have lots of conflict and struggle with (well - not WITH so much as OVER!) DSD16. like other posters have said - she sees herself as the wife and the head of household. it has been rough going from the start of our relationship, because DH overcompensates and treats her like a spouse...except it is not even that, because at the same time, he treats her like a seven-year old girl; she doesn't have any responsibilities and acts like a small child, but is empowered like an adult. he won't say NO to her about anything...on the rare occasion that he does discipline her for anything at all, he feels so guilty he ends up 'making it up to her' by letting her have her way about something else. she bullies me and her brother, and i admit i am no good at standing up to her either; i feel like it is not my home most of the time.

i came on here today because i just don't know what to do anymore. she is really over-bearing when it comes to my DD1...and if DH is left to look after the baby while i try and do a bit of work, DSD16 latches on and won't leave them alone. i don't want her to have this 'special relationship' with my baby girl, i just want her to be her half-sister and not try to be her mom or my DH's partner...i am sick over it and DH does not understand, just thinks she is acting like a "big sister", but it isn't like that.

she won't even call the baby by her full name, because she doesn't like it (it is my mom's name) and so she uses a shortened version that makes it totally different.

i find it really hard to LIKE her even though i think i do love her in a way. and it is a constant source of trouble in my marriage. we do see a counselor (DH and I) and i also have been seeing a CPN since the baby was born because i think i have been very depressed...but it isn't enough.

My DSD is 24 now. She came to live with us (me and her Dad) when she was 12 (after her mum left her with her stepdad who refused to have her) and her Dad left her, my own DS1 and our DS2 (still with us?) 2 years later.

Therefore, I have my own DS, my DSD and a DS with DSD's Dad.

She really had nowhere else to go and was totally parent-less. In a way, that helped. My heart went out to her and I think hers went out to me being left with young kids.

She calls me by my first name but always refers to me as her mum.

It has been tricky and I have often been resentful about money I have spent on her, secretly, but we have got through all of it and I am now her mum.

I think my mistake, apart from taking on someone else child(!) was not to have any of our own. I took on the SS with his dad after the birth mother Left them when the SS was 7 (now nearly 16) and they'd been a twosome for five years.
The birth mother sees her son approximately once a month even though she only lives 12 miles away and has never paid a penny of maintenance which as the sole breadwinner, clearly still upsets/annoys me after four years.
His behaviour has always been of a spoilt and over compensated for child and of course the father and I argue about this.
When things get tough for the SS even though he lies, etc he wants to run back to mummy even though she would not want him full-time although might soon now the difficult years are out of the way! I wish!!!!
Apologies, but just recovering from another behaviour outburst and yet again, I find myself wanting to leave them to it!
My advise to anyone who really loves their partner, think about how you'll love their child during challenging times and the love needs to be the strongest to survive. My advise is don't do it, don't take someone else's genes and behaviours on. I wish I never had as I feel trapped by someone else's mess.

My husband and i are a blended family. I had 2 sons and he had one daughter and then one of our own. It is very tough...dealing with ex's and angry kids and different ideas on parenting...not loving the step child as you do your own...
But it gets easier..i promise :)

Money issues are REALLY hard.

I find it very hard not to choke on the stench of burning martyr (quite rightly).

money issues - yeah. ours are tricky because DH's first wife left a pension when she died, so that is part of our monthly income. i feel like it isn't anything to do with me, on the one hand, so if he spends it carelessly or uses it to spoil SD and SS - well, it is hard to say anything. On the other hand, we are supporting all three kids now and so at some point don't i have some input on how the money is used...?

i also find myself resentful because DH's family and friends throw money at SS and SD, to 'make up' for the loss of their mother...it makes it hard to discipline them at all; if we say "you are losing some pocket money this week because you didn't do your chores", they don't REALLY care, because they have so much money in gifts from these other people.

Our baby (shared DD) just turned one...when she was born, DH's dad gave us a monetary gift, which was great - except i have since found out it was a third of the amount he gave to the other two kids (and it is not a question of changed circumstances for him, either) - i haven't said anything to DH because really - a gift is a gift - and we should be grateful he gave her what he did - i know this, but i can't help but feel it is a slight anyway. Now she had her first birthday and DH's dad didn't acknowledge it in any way, not even a card or an email, even though he sends money to the older kids on their birthdays and always has.