Please Help?

[batteredhead]

This is the first time I have used mumsnet and I must say I am a little nervous!
My partner has a 7yo DS from a previous relationship and I find it increasingly hard to get along with him. I dont know if I'm being unrealistic or unreasonable as I have no children of my own. Sometimes I feel like DP can't really be bothered with DS as he sticks him in front of TV/video games and generally lets him do what he wants and lets him speak to him in a not very nice manner. I've tried to say that he needs to 'educate' him a bit more rather than just letting him think that this is always going to be how it is. It's getting to the stage where I'd rather not be around when he visits. Is it me?

Bahhhumbug - for the first 3 years I was not allowed to tell my DSC off or even ask them to do anything. I was also not allowed to brush their hair, read them stories or be on my own with them. My DH ex told them that I was only allowed to clean and cook for them and she quizzed them every time they went home to make sure I hadn't done anything "wrong" The story behind this is long and I can't get into it on here. I can't begin to describe how it is to be a complete bystander in your own home - I am not one for keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself normally and it was impossible for me to relax while they were here (half the time). About 7 months ago his ex decided she had been wrong to set these rules and has relaxed them a bit. In practice though that just doesn't work as they have had 3 years of thinking they don't have to listen to me or respect me at all and that won't change now just because she says it can. My youngest dsd can't remember a time before me so ALL she can remember is being encouraged to treat me like that.
The resentment that has built up in me will be hard to break down - my dsd's were effectively "spys" in the house - reporting back all my misdemeanors to their mother. Knowing what she wanted to hear also caused them to occassionally make things up or elaborate on the details.
For the record - she had no reason to have any concerns about me. I have an enhanced CRB check and am therefore as "safe" as the teachers at the school they go to.
I know people will point the finger at my DH for allowing this but I don't blame him. The situation is difficult and you would have to know his ex to appreciate how impossible it all is.
I am desperate to be "good" at this but don't feel I was given a fair chance at the start. Every day I tell myself I will try harder and be better but so far think I am failing miserably.
This forum is honestly a life-saver. Just knowing other people have similar or worse issues is so helpful.

Sorry for long ranting hijack.

retreats to corner...

Just wondered allnew if you and your DH have children together? Sorry if i'm being nosey

Yes, we have DS aged 2. Tbh I have found things 'slightly' easier since he was born. I guess partly because he likes them being around maybe

Glassbaubles, I've just read your last thread. I'm amazed how you could put up with that and still feel sane? I hope your DH gives you the credit you clearly deserve for putting up with a maniac mother who no doubt drove away your DH in the first place. If you ask me you should come out of that corner and go all guns blazing. I take my hat off to you Having said that i know it's not easy, but, your house = your rules.

Thanks batteredhead but actually I don't feel remotely sane!

ALLNEW - it must be catching !

GLASS - Find your own thread to hijack !

But seriously girls it does all depend on the hubbys doesnt it really. So as you say GLASS - you werent allowed to apply your authority or status in your own home so I appreciate you are in similiar position to me - i.e. too little too late - through no fault of your own. I really do think precedents are set very early on.

But I do think with the wonderful 20/20 vision of hindsight that if as a stepmum you are allowed to or able to be authorititive to any stepchildren you share your home with then you should be so - even if you dont have any motherly instincts towards them - otherwise you struggle more when theyre older and they struggle to take it from you and DH thinks - 'whats got into her' and turns into lioness daddy protecting cub and round and round and bloody round we go.

Trust me this is one roundabout you wanna avoid getting on if you possibly can - fun it aint !!

too many 'tits' in my authorititititive I think - sorry my spelling is up there with my step-parenting skills

Hi again all, have just come back in - what weather we're having!

Bahhhumbug, I think you are right. If they come into our homes then we should be able to discipline them. My problem is that I dont know if i'm being too hard or not. If it was my own kids, i'd do it, so I dont see why i cant do it with DS. Think i must have some mental block. I wish I could practice what I preach in terms of our house = our rules.

Does anyone actucally get on with their DP/DH kids? Or is their always conflict? How can a marriage survive this is what I want to know

Hi there
From my perspective I do "get on" with my DBSs in that there is no open conflict as such. They are not bad kids and are not misbehaved in any way. My difficulties stem mainly from the same recurring issues, which tend to circle around the rigid access agreements, the ex causing difficulties (deliberately), the apathy of my DBSs and in particular re DBS1, his unwillingness to grow up in any way shape or form (e.g. following DH around every waking hour, and I am not exagerrating). In addition MIL tends to cause difficulties re. my DBSs by having made a difference between them and DS on many occasions. Apart from all that there is my general uneasiness during contact visits and if I'm honest the fact that from Friday to Sunday I basically am looking forward to getting the house back to ourselves again

I do get on very well with my older SS - I just have difficulties well documented on here with my resident SS. That is definitely not because the older one doesnt live with us - it is because he is such an independant,hardworking,lovely modest polite young man. he could not be more different from his brother. I really believe the reason is because of big age gap and resident SS being kind of perpetuated as the baby of the family and 'our little SSsname' - by his dad in particular Even my older SS - and my resident SS is his only sibling - hates the way his brother is pampered and indulged by his dad and has said as much to his Gran - my M-i-l.

He recently stopped providing the service of a free haircut to his brother - he is a hairdresser btw because of his breathtaking sense of entitlement about it. Example - he arranged to go round to his older brothers home for a cut - my older SS has two young kids - but fell asleep. So older SS and partner have done tea, bathed kids,put kids to bed and cleaned up,settled down for evening when up he rolls about 8.30pm for his haircut - over 3 hours late.
Older SS refused so he got really arsey with him - 'why not ? - youre not doing anything now ! - oh thanks for nothing !' and off he flounces. Older SS was furious and said that in future he was not going to do it unless he got a couple of cans of beer or something from him as he never does anything by way of thanks and he'd had enough of it.

So I dont think I would get on with SS in any situation - if he was a work colleague or neighbour for example - because of his selfish personality - but obviously him living with me really compounds the problems. Its hard to be indifferent to someone who really pisses you off and rise above it and ignore their bad behaviour when they are under same roof.

Can a marriage survive - well mine depends on how long 'you know who' stays here. I really cant tolerate this for many more years. I know there will come a time when something has to give - I just hope its not my marriage.

Afternoon all.

I'm seriously thinking about chucking the towel in after reading what you guys have said. The thing is I really love DP, but cannot seem to get on with DS not matter what and the thought of having to put up with this for another 10 years fills me with dread. I had hoped that we would have children of our own, but I seem to be putting that off because of DS and thats no good. I just think there will always be conflict? I can't bear the thought of us breaking up and me being left holding the baby as it were. Any advice?

Maybe if I'm thinking like this already - we are doomed?

Hi BATTERED - please dont go by my experience - mine is an extreme case - really a worst case scenario. You have the edge in many ways on making it work. You do not have your SS 24/7. You do have the advantage of having him at an early age where you can still have some influence on his behaviour and build a parent/child relationship and nip any problems in the bud or at least an adult/child relationship - much harder when you 'acquire' them when they are teens. You can lay down foundations providing your DP allows you to - which is another big factor in whether a stepfamily works out. If you love your DP it might be worth trying a few of the things advised on here - many people make a success - you just tend to hear the downside on here really.

Thanks humbug. I'm sure I dont have it as bad as some, like you say DS doesn't live with us - I defo think I'd be moving out then! I don't know whether I'm prepared to put enough effort in as I feel like I'm the only one giving and giving and maybe thats at the core. My life seemed so easy before this and now I feel really old!

I'm pretty sure DP wouldn't mind me laying down some rules, but he is quite soft with DS and I don't know if his desire to please would overule the rules if you know what I mean. I suppose I can but try.

Btw, does anyone else just think that their DSC are just complete charvers? he he

Bahhhumbug, do you mind me asking if you and your DH have children together?

Hi Batteredred - no we dont - we both have grown up children - all living their own lives except this one - his youngest who lives with us.

If your DP doesnt mind that is a big plus - lay down some rules and you make sure they are upheld. Another thing is pick your battles - maybe dont apply strict rules on minor things that you can live with - just have a list of your very minimum basic requirements of reasonable behaviour. That way it wont seem that you are always on the lads case IYSWIM in your partners eyes. This will turn him into a lioness with his cub - just blindly defending him - right or wrong. For example - I have zero tolerance of my SS leaving his dirty pots on my kitchen top when I have washed up and cleaned kitchen - but I never tell him to clean his room. So when DH rants at me for always going on about former - I always refer to my leniance on the latter - and say - well I could insist that he keeps his disgusting room clean as it is still part of my house but I dont because if he wants to live like that fine - but I am not having that mess extended to the rest of the house.
DH hasnt found a valid argument to counteract that reasoning yet - because there isnt on really !

Another tip is however hard you find this - dont just apply your rules and discipline to your ss. Temper it with some kindness and doing things for him. Again your DH cannot then say you are always moaning at him - or about him etc. You can then refer to when you buy him his favourite biscuits when he's coming here every Tuesday or whatever. Or I bought him a pencil case and colouring book with his favourite characters on when I was shopping last week etc etc etc.

However hard it is for me - I will every so often fix something in my SSs room or sort out his sock drawer or buy him something that he really likes foodwise and so on. These are all minimum effort or expense gestures but they go along way in counteracting the - 'You just dont like him - or you've just got it in for him' routine. Also this is a double whammy technique - as it never ceases to amaze me how chuffed my DH seems when he comes in and I have done something for his 'little boy'. It
really does pile up the brownie points too.

A bit of bullshit goes a long way IOWs !

If you love the man - give it a go - you can always have another look at things in a few months.

Thanks humbug, thats really helpful. I'll try a few of those out and see what happens.

Hi,
I think most people would agree that step parenting is harder than being the parent so you've started with the toughest job first. I also think that after 2 years you've got to a point where you've realised this is how it's going to be and ofc wondering if you should stick with it. There are so many factors that impact your life as a stepmum, how your dp handles discipline (& most dads fail to discipline as they want to enjoy contact time), what the child is like and how positive or negative the influence of the child's mum is. The challenge for a stepmum is that you have to open your home & heart to a child and provide a positive environment but the efforts are not always rewarded so it's an act of complete unselfishness.Not easy to do! Adults who have been in the situation of having separated parents talk about how difficult they found moving from one home to another, how they felt disloyal to a parent (usually mum) if they became close to a stepparent so the bond with a stepchild might not be shown until the child is adult.
Upshot - it is slog for many years and only you can decide if the relationship is worth it. I have a step daughter and also a DC. In some ways it's easier as DH is a joint parents to both DCs although it's harder in other ways as we don't have as much downtime. The childfree weekends which helped restore balance don't exist anymore but that's the same for any parent.
You'll get good advice here so hopefully you can continue being a SM.

Hi houseproject - thanks for your comments. I think you're right in terms of i think i've got to the point where I think - can I live like this for the next ten years and if we have children how will this impact on the current situation.

I have no doubt DP is a good man and for the most part I think he'd support things I couldn't be doing with in terms of DS - but I'm still unsure if this is enough.

DS being an only child and from split home is very spoilt and quite stroppy and I see more of that creeping in the older he gets.

When do you think I'll know if its all worth it?? I keep going round in circles. At the moment like you say, we have downtime when it's just us, but if we had our own children........

Aaargh!!!