Deep breath....

[theredhen]

BM has apparently taken herself off to hospital and has told her mother that she doesn't know when she will be home. As far as we're aware, she has tonsilitis, and DP has been doing all the two ing and fro-ing for the kids this weekend as we knew she was ill even though it's "her" weekend.

Her mother has been in contact with DP and told him this, so it looks like we have the 4 DSC for the forseeable future. We already had them booked for Friday morning til Wednesday morning next week as well as this afternoon til tomorrow morning.

Of course I don't wish anyone to be ill, but working full time and having 5 DSC is certainly challenging even though DP pulls his weight (but also works full time, but flexible hours). I can never sleep properly when they are with us as I think the responsibility for so many little people weighs too heavy on my shoulders especially as it's me who is alone with them, first thing in the morning.

What I can't help resenting is that BM doesn't even acknowledge our existence most of the time or if she does, it is to critisise us and tell us the children don't want to come and "visit" for the 3 days a week they live with us.

I don't really want any advice, just some empathy that although the kids are lovely, it's hard work and emotionally draining having them around all the time.

Yes, the positive side is that we don't get SS16 turning up un-announced, however the flipside is that husband is still quite reluctant to engage with Real Life on access weekends. And with this in mind, it would be easier if we didn't have to stick to a rota. If stepson was younger, I would fully accept that we couldn't go out much etc on access weekends, but as he's 16 ......

An update - BM is now home. DP has spoken with BM's mother. When DP asked what is happening, ie. how much longer are we likely to be having the kids, BM has said that she will speak to the kids this evening and let THEM know what is going on.

So in the meantime we have no idea what to cancel workwise or not and absolutely no chance of a "thank you" for taking on the kids at no notice whatsoever and cancelling things left, right and centre. I expect she will still expect DP to pay as much maintenance even though he can't do as much work though.

I'm jumping in!! I think you are really being put upon here, i have great sympathy for you, it is so disappointing not to be able to get any support, - and now you're waiting to hear your fate almost, it sounds so ominous.

I know what you mean about maintenance - i can honestly say that my eldest DSS18 certainly for the past six months has spent far more time at ours than at BMs, and taken up more of our resources and yet the maintenance stays the same and she and he (dss) are still asking for extras!

(he is a good lad however and we are getting somewhere with teaching him some work ethic)

We have recently noticed more frequent 'popping-ins' during which time he empties our larder and hot water tank, and fills the laundry basket!! leaves us wondering just what she is doing to support him.

Can't help but like the lad though, - his younger brother is another kettle of fish however...

Anyway just wanted to say i'm thinking of you and really hope the outcome this evening isn't as bad as you are expecting.

Hi Redhen- didn't get to post but ment to say I was thinking of you-

That is very selfish of her- some people!

What would she have done if you were away ???

Redhen, rather than wait for the BM to tell the kids what's happening, I think your DP should be master of his own destiny (and yours too, for that matter), pick up the phone and tell her when he's taking the kids home. I assume you've already had them for a few days that you weren't meant to, so there's really no reason why they can't go home tomorrow, or even tonight.

I know it's not the same thing, but when I first met DH, we could never make plans regarding Christmas, because BM "hasn't told us what she's doing yet" - this just didn't wash with me, and ever since then WE have told HER what OUR plans are at Christmas.

What I'm trying to say is she shouldn't call the shots all the time, there's no reason why your household should be held in limbo, at the mercy of her decisions.

Thanks for the replies. After waiting for the ominous phone call last night and it didn't arrive, DP asked his eldest if she had heard anything. Turns out the whole matter had been discussed with her (aged 14) 4 hours ago, and she had "forgotten" to tell him.

At that point we knew that BM's Mum was to do the school run this afternoon but that they may or may not be coming back here to eat / sleep for the night. .

DP finally gets a phone call this morning asking that DP delivers school uniform this morning to Granny's house (it's wet on the washing line!) ready for them to go to school tomorrow morning. DP had a bit of a go about not being informed and not knowing what is going on, she commented that she is doing him a favour by picking up one child from school tonight (last night we did 4 seperate school runs! ) The fact that she wants her uniform back would suggest that the kids are not staying here tonight.

I really would have thought that we could all pull together in a crisis and help each other, seems to me that we are responsible for the kids only when no-one else wants them!

Petal, I really wish DP would take the stance that we tell her what is going on (when BM is well) but we have to sit and wait in limbo for her to take weeks to make the decision and we can't plan anything. Least of all, I want to plan some time with my DS.

We are due to have the kids on Friday (non pupil day) and DP will be working all day. It's also my day off and to be honest, I would really like to have some quiet time before we have them for another week. I think he has plans to pick them early, then go out to work all day meaning that they will be with me all day. .

Just told him I want some quiet time on Friday and he understood after I explained it, but I don't think he understood before I pointed out to him that when the kids are in the house, that maybe I don't get any peace and are responsible for them if he is not here!

I'm pleased you managed to get through to him regarding some quiet time on Friday. I've had a similar battle with my husband, it took him a while to realise that if he wanted access, then he should spend that time with SS16, and that it wasn't acceptable to collect him from the ex, drop him off with me, and then go off to work. That's not access, that's child minding.

A lot of men seem to struggle with that concept, we hear it a lot on this forum.

However I do think you've got the patience of a saint. The whims of the ex seem to control your life. It probably wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many children, but even so, her schedules/plans shouldn't dictate your lives. It seems that your son has to take a back seat to the step children too and that's not fair.

Sadly the problem here lies with your DP; while he continues to let this go unchallenged, nothing will ever change. Does he understand that his ex still manages to control his life? Albeit through the children?

You really have to fight your own corner here otherwise you will end up hating and resenting everyone. (I presume your user name relates to the book- it's my NN when I feel put upon).

Agree you your DP needs to start calling the shots a bit more. The ex sounds like she hates you both and enjoys making your lives as difficult as possible. Don't be scared to ruffle her feathers though. The worst she could do is try to stop the kids from coming over and that is most definitely not in her own interest so she won't - trust me.

I feel for your DS, it's been a bit like that for mine since DSS moved in. I make a point of spending time alone with him now and we are both happier for it.

They're not kids forever though, and the intensity of this phase (and his ex's involvement) will diminish in time.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, we both feel that DP's ex calls the shots. He is so scared that she will stop him seeing them, that he normally agrees to pretty much anything (including having them over half the summer holidays when he was working 7 days a week, 13 hours a day!).

Sometimes she does stop him from seeing them and he gets very upset. Even when it meant he saw them for 7 days out of 14 rather than 8 days which he originally hoped for. He even contacted his solicitor over that one, but never persued it!

If I try and say anything about consulting me and understanding how I feel when the kids come, he simply replies that he has my DS here all the time and it's the same thing him having his kids here and in fact, he is being more generous because my DS is here all the time not just a third of the time. However, I rarely ask him to babysit (I think tonight is only the second time!) and 1 x 12 yr old is a bit different to 5 kids aged 7 - 14, who need help with homework, dispute management (lol), hair brushed, clothes washed and ironed, food bought etc. In fact, apart from taking my DS to the bus stop, I can't think of any way that my DS really inconveniences him - he certainly doesn't read him a story or pick up his clothes from the floor like I do for his kids!

I find it really hard to argue without it sounding like I'm saying I don't like having his kids, and he has enough hassle from the ex and I love him to bits and don't want to add to his troubles, I suppose. But I do want time for myself and time for my son. Although he will say he doesn't get the chance to have time one to one with his children, but surely he made the choice not to have one to one time with his children when he made the choice to have 4?

As for my username - I have no idea where it came from - just plucked it out of thin air, I certainly didn't know it had a meaning such as the one you mention marriednotdead

A previous poster commented that your DP shouldn?t be too scared about ruffling his ex?s feathers ? I doubt she?d stop him seeing the children for long, as it?s against her own interests to do this. Although given he got so upset about having them for 7 days out of 14, instead of 8 out of 14, I sort of see the problem you?re dealing with!

Did you post in the summer about having to have the kids for literally weeks, even though your DP was working 7 days per week? Apols if it wasn?t you, but it was someone with a very similar situation.

Having to have all those children for half the holidays, even when he?s at work, illustrates the problem very clearly. He wants to have them ?under his roof?, even if he?s not there to see them, and totally disregards the effect it has on your life. I do wonder what he?d have done if you worked 9-5 Mon-Fri all through the holidays???? He likes the idea of access, but abdicates all responsibility to you.

A few years ago, we had SS16 (who was 12 or 13 at the time) to stay over half term. However husband and I both work full time, and he just hung round an empty house for 10 hours per day, Mon-Fri. I was very unhappy about this, husband argued it didn?t effect me as I was at work all day. I argued that what?s the point in having access to a child if you?re not spending time with them. However, I digress.

Your DP may well protest that having HIS children over is no different to having your DSS around, but I beg to differ ? he has FOUR children ffs! Even if they were the most perfect children ever born, that?s still a huge undertaking. I agree that he waved goodbye to one-to-one time with his kids when he elected to have so many. I?m sure he must realise how much extra work his children create, however he chooses to pretend he doesn?t get it.

If it?s possible/practical, could you and DSS arrange to be out somewhere, next time he wants to have all 4 stepkids round ?in absentia?? What did he do before he met you? Even if DP won?t stand up to his ex, you need to get a bit tougher with him. You say you don?t like adding to his troubles, maybe it?s time he extended you the same courtesy????

The problem is that DSC are a teenager, 2 pre teens and a 7 yr old. This means that either teenager is deemed old enough to be "babysitter" and therefore, all kids are left alone or if she isn't around, then 7 year old will go to work with him, leaving the other 4 (inc DS) with me.

Obviously when they are all left with me, they are my responsibility and if there is a problem, it is me who will deal with it.

So, it's irrelevant how long I work, because kids will be left alone anyway. However, if I have time off, I would like to actually have a break and not feel like I have to go out to get some sort of time for myself.

DP, however, can fall asleep where he drops, even with a house full and comes home for lunch so gets his quiet time everyday for an hour.

In which case I think it boils down to sheer weight of numbers, and DP choosing not understanding your point of view.

Oooops - typing error. I meant to say "DP choosing not to understand your point of view".

The story I was referring to

"marriednotdead" - wasn't it an interesting choice of user name?!

I do remember the story now.