HELP!!! Teenage son with Aspergers

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Brief history; son was diagnosed at 11 with AS. He has a very padantic (sp) speech method and spends his days in his room on a computer, anything else is just a waste of time in his opinion He is now 17 and thinks he should be now allowed to behave as an adult and I should not be running his life. Every night it is a battle to get him too go to sleep until he says so and it is very upsetting for me. He is 'rude' to me in the aspie way and doesnt respect me at all. Does anyone know where I can get help with him?? I live in quite a remote area and there are no support groups etc. As anyone with an AS child will also know, they are all very different so Im not sure even talking to other parents will help. Any advice would be great and if you need any more info, please ask me. Thanks xx

Hi, mine also dx at 11 is now 14. I cant offer any ideas for getting him to behave more responsibly as am trying myself. Except perhaps aiming for small steps at a time, as you don't say what he is doing for himself at the moment. But I can sympathise and offer a listening ear.
I find it hard sometimes to separate AS behaviour from teen behaviour, but I find letting him take risks [safe risks] like staying up really late and not getting up on time, is a good idea. But as you say they are all so different. I don't know I guess I'm saying I feel I do too much for my son and I should let him try a bit more on his own. Can you still contact Camhs at 17? If so I would try them first.

Hi onegiantleap and thank you for responding I guess my problem is I just cant argue with hin as normally he is right, but the stuff that is fired back at me just provokes more arguements, where as my older sons at that age would have done as I asked with no fireback, maybe a frown or a mutter, but not an active discussion at 12am!! He is still at school studying for his A levels which he is doing at the moment. We have had a chat and he is going to try and be responsible by getting himself in to bed for 12am, we are going to try it for a couple of nights and see how it goes. If I go to sleep before him, he will normally forget and I wake at 3am and he is still on the computer, but he is clearly angry with himself for forgetting. I know what you mean about the risk elements, my son does take risks sometimes and this is a worry, at weekends he is allowed to 'put himself to bed'. Can I ask if you have any support for your son? I was told when my ds was diagnosed I would just have to go away and learn, as there was no funding available I think I could get cambs as we were offered it last year, but he said he didnt need it, but he may agree now as he too knew last night was hard xx

That sounds so much like my son....he is 13...but he is 5ft 10 and still growing. We argue, I find myself having to be very clever in our arguments just to try and stump him as in his eyes he always right. Maybe he could set an alarm for 12 just to remind him that it is time for sleep and as you have both agreed that this would be a good time for him to turn the comp off and get some sleep...being an aspie he should stick to that agreement. My son is very confrontational and although I would like him to be more in dependant I feel that what he wants does not fit in with the rules of everyone else and at the end of the day as a mum you have to be fair on everyone else who lives in the home.Its a tough job but and my son does pose a good argument sometimes , when I say no I stick to it...even though sometimes I could just say 'you know what do what you like'. I do not know of any groups either really and find it difficult. My son only got an diagnosis last November, so all still new.

Hi Sarah876 thanks for replying and yes, your son sounds very similar My son hates shouting so talks very calmly but in a very dictorial non emotional way; he is telling me - I have no right to tell him and Im really not up for a debate at 12am For the last 2 nights he has been doing it himslef and so far so good - we are using an alarm clock and Ive told him to set it 10mins before bedtime. I read loads of books when my son was first diagnosed; as a kid he was cute and spoke like he had swallowed a dictionary, he would hand flap, find certain situations very difficult and was very much a loner at school and, needless to say bullied He struggles to fit in and that is all he wants to be accepted as he is by his peers. He is also very vunerable to attack by other kids and dosent understand it. I am probably repeating myself (sorry!) but, I am saying it as it may help you in helping your son? I have a friend coming round tomorrow whose son is slightly older, but an aspie, so I am hoping that she can give me some help. He does know whats right and wrong; for instance; he cant stand smoking or kids that get drunk loads although he will now have a drink at parties at home etc, but knows the limits. Although he first got 'drunk' at a friends family gathering once and it was very funny, He came home and said that others had found him more emotional and nicer when he had a drink - he didnt actually sleep all night but I think that was because he didnt recognise the feeling, if you understand what I mean? He ate 4 rounds of toast, played on his game for a bit then ate a hole pizza (munchies, lol), then had a headache. He said I am guessing this is what drinking does? I dont think I shall do it again - and he didnt!! It was a learning curve he would eventually try but it was veyr funny the way he annalysed himself I love him to bits, but its hard work xx

Never noticed any hand flapping with my son though he is more twitchy as he has got older.I thought he was a bit hyper when he was little but then my life was all over the show and im sure there was alot that i missed.When he was around eight years old thats when the what i call obvious problems started. He used to beg me not to take him to school , cry at the gates and tell me he wanted to die.....he said his class mates bullied him but i was a tough mum and encouraged him regardless /asking the school for some help.He overcome this by becoming the clown act and even now he gets by at school and has friends by being this way. It is very difficult to reason with him and he can be quite dominating. It took five years of me asking for help to finally getting it. this when he started secondary school and we had a very good special needs teacher there. I made a suggestion to her that would it be possible for my son to have aspergers( i didnt actually think he had that) I was shocked to here her say yes.From then on it took another year...appointments etc... and yey dec last year we got the diagnosis. My son wasnt to bothered by this new info but i think it was more for me..i have changed my attitude towards parenting and alot of what he does i just let it go except when it involves my other children then there has to be rules. My son i think has had a drink but isnt that keen and most people he calls chavs and he thinks all americans are chavs...its quite funny some of the things he says. I like to go on here there isnt really much help out there and i do not know anyone in my sitution accept my cousin but her daughter is autistic and completely different from myself.Did you get DLA for your son? Ive applied but havent heard yet....would help so much with clubs etc...

Hi Sarah, no I didnt get DLA, Ive never applied for it, but I think I would have got it due to the night time problems we have. I have always felt, my kid, my problem, although I do appreciate DS can now get it for himself. My friend came round yesterday and said to get in touch with our local council and speak to the special needs dept for schools and to get him seen by the ed phycologist. The school told me he has been seen by her, but we know he hasnt. From there we will hopefully will get some assistance especially for when or if he goes to Uni which he is really focused on doing. He is brilliant at maths, IT and physics (gets it from me lol). Hand flapping and similar, are called Stims, and they are a bit like habits it 'normal' people such as thumsucking. DS would do that and literally shove his whole hand in his mouth whilst engrossed in something. He would also, right up until he was 14, sit on his legs in a chair, even at school. He was very 'feely' with stuff aswell,always touching things or fabrics. The lack of support I feel, is unbelievable, but I do think if you shout loud, you get more,, which Im not really much good at xx

Yeah DS is a feely person always got to be touching something especially when you try to talk to him....I sometimes wonder if it helps him concentrate. My son walks around in his pants all the time(well not at school....lol). never really thought about it until the ed psyc said it was probabaly because he didnt like the feel of wearing cloths. I think that when you live with someone you get so used to their ways that seem normal until someone suggests otherwise, then you realise yeah they actually are quite right.
The ed psychologist for us just outlined the obstacles and suggested ways to move forward. I think by getting DLA it also opens up doors for help. I have managed all this time without any help but as he gets older he is less under my influence and considering he is now taller then me i think he thinks he has the right to be dominate.I think as well when you go to uni you can get extra grants if you have what they consider a 'disability' such as money towards book , printing credits, computer that sort of thing. Im currently at uni ans have a friend receive quite a bit help. My son is good at maths , like science and art but he has no desire to conform or show anyone he's abilities....he has no ambition does not what he would like to do. He is forever on the computer or PS3 , spends all day on it at weekends, goes to school because he 'has to'dictates to everyone, its so hard to find that niche for him. He has showed some interest in learning to play the guitar so I am waiting to hear whether the school will fund it as it a little to expensive for me to pay out.I am considering asking if he can have a social worker just so they can help with finding funding etc....and clubs as I find that to get anywhere it is a struggle to get the help you need.I had to wait ages to see the school pysc ed there is such a waiting list...to get ahead you'll have to say your desperate and you need the help now or they will just put you on the back burner. I eventually emailed SENCO asking them how do i make a formal complaint and who to....that soon got the ball rolling, He was diagnosed within 2 months.Fighting the cause can sometimes feel like a full time job!

Hi Sarah, yes my ds doesnt like certain clothes or smells or strong lighting etc. I think his 'need' to want to be 'normal' has stopped me taking many routes for him, which I now wished I had. Our kids do sound very alike!! DS thinks since he has been 16 he is old enough to make his own decisions etc and this is causing huge friction now. He does need protecting, but I have to do it in a sneaky way or he freaks out! I have a day off tomorrow so will be trying county hall, if not, Ill try what you did, thanks for the tip! xx

Hello,

I just wanted to mention befriending!!!
I have a younger child with AS.
I also have two older sons.

One of my sons wants to go to medical school.
As a way to gain work experience he has taken up Befriending for teens with Learning Difficulties and Specials Needs. This experience has been not only great for my son the mentor but the mentee's and their families.
It was great, these families that were happy their teen could go out bowling, cinema, swimmng or other activities with a mentor.

Please do check out the befriending scheme through social services or local Childrens, Services department. They can provide other group activities and opportunities.
Mencap also has a great website and opportunities.

Befrienders are trained in positive handling.

Best wishes.

Thankyou will have a look x

I have a son with Aspergers who is now 20.
We have been through similar problems to you, although unfortunately things got very much worse due to severe bullying at school.

Aspies can be very very difficult. The strain on the family is tremendous. Unfortunately, as aspies get older it does seem that the problems just get bigger.

I would suggest that you ask for as much help as you possibly can. I know that in my area my son was discharged from CAMS and had to see an adult psychiatrist. The help from her has not been good. Very few psychiatrists have proper training in ASD in adults. They seem to find it particularly hard to deal with the very bright aspies who can just run rings round them.

We have had some success with ABA therapy which helped with enforcing boundaries etc. We are also having help from an expert aspergers centre which is a tertiary service. They are supposed to tell the local psychiatrist what programme of care and support my son needs.
It might be worth enquiring about one of these specialist services in your area.

As for school, your son should be getting support from the LEA's autism support team and the LEA's educational psychologist. If he is not then sometimes you do have to fight a bit for this help. It is however, well worth it.

At 17 all teens want independence and aspies are no different in that. It is really hard to let go, when you have done so much to protect him but you will have to let him make some of his own decisions. One of these is what time to go to bed. When I was 17 I would have been quite annoyed if my parents had told me that I had to go to bed. So I do see why aspie teens also want to be in charge of when they go to sleep.

Does your son have problem sleeping as part of his aspergers? My son has severe sleeping problems and lying in bed trying to get asleep made him feel even more stressed.

I have rather a lot of experience in dealing with some very challenging situations with my son and would be happy to help you in any way that I can.

Hi thank you its good to hear some advice. I will write tomoro when i have more time...hopefully you''ll read this.

Hi thank you its good to hear some advice. I will write tomoro when i have more time...hopefully you''ll read this.

Hi, I think my 17 year old DS is an aspie.

Lots of issues (including isolation, drug abuse, low self esteem, really poor sleep) and difficult to know to address.

Spends all of time on computer, "He is now 17 and thinks he should be now allowed to behave as an adult and I should not be running his life" - also applies.

Would be so difficult to raise with him and get diagnosis. Just trying at the moment to read up on it and work out how best to help.

Have discussed with GP but little can be done unless he wants help - doesn't currently. Have also called AS line to discuss.

Very hard to help him.

I have a 17 yr old aspie as well. I have to say that we've managed a lot of his teenage behaviours pretty well because we're both on the autism spectrum ourselves so we know exactly when things are too much for him (because they're too much for us too!). But this is no consolation for other parents unless I go live with your families . We had the time from hell from him when he was younger, though - it was a literal nightmare.

Most of us, including me, are terrible sleepers. Because of sensory issues, the whole world can be an intensely painful experience for many of us: The science shows we can (generally) hear three times more than others and see three times more detail than others, and feel the tiniest changes in texture, heat, cold etc. We end up 'switching off' from communicating with others because we just can't handle any more incoming data from our senses, and we end up angry or hysterical because of the level of pain from all that input, all day and night, all the time. Our brains never learn to switch it off.

Computers are one place we can calm down, because it's so predictable, no eye contact, etc, so many of us use them a heck of a lot.

Learning aspie communication methods can help hugely. We don't use eye contact at all, we explain things very logically to each other, we know to give each other clear time warnings "10 mins to bed time....5 mins to bed time" etc so we can gradually adjust. We know to keep the sensory stuff like smells and textures to a minimum, and it all helps a little.

The touch thing is a huge issue for most of us. I learn through touch and sight, and sensing who's who and what's what through touch is immensely important to me. But if someone touches me unexpectedly, it's like being hit with something because our pain responses are wired up so differently. But we do learn to cope in various ways with the right help and support and adaptations.

So...there's plenty of hope, if people gradually learn to 'tune in' to our worlds and IF we realise ourselves what the sensory problems or communication problems might be. We learn pretty slowly on that stuff and maybe teenagers need to read up on themselves and think "hey, is this true of me?".

Meantime, large cups of virtual tea for all parents who survive an aspie teen...

Hi Amber, it's good to hear of someone else out there - I feel on a pretty lonely road with DS and just want to do the best I can to help him get through this time

My priorities are:

to address the drugs issue and help him to be safe (he's not interested, adamant it is not a problem but it is a BIG problem)
to help him engage with others and develop friendships (he spends all time on internet and rarely goes out - RL friends are problem people and I'm sure he is connecting with the wrong people on-line also)
to help him sleep (he sleeps extremely badly and must be self medicating I think although he refuses to discuss it - I cannot get him to stay off the computer during the night, he says it helps him in the night but to me that feels wrong - it's very difficult to physically stop him though)
to help him improve his self-esteem and confidence

It's difficult as he does not believe that there are any issues, is mostly quite difficult and abusive/hurtful at times. His father left the home late last year also after a difficult year where his father behaved pretty badly - I'm sure DS is feeling this also.

Any ideas Amber or anyone else?

Our local social services has a specialist youth adviser who can work with teenagers on things like the drugs problem. Might be worth making an enquiry of your local SS or the local autism charity, even if he doesn't have a dx at the moment.

If he's been through a lot of change at home, and if he is indeed on the autism spectrum, then that is going to hit him very hard just because of the way we handle things. That's not anyone's fault - it's just a fact.

I know that computers helped me hugely and led me to find a lot of friends that I otherwise wouldn't have, but knowing the rules for who's safe and who isn't is SO hard for us and I don't get it right even now. If there's any way he would at least try out the online quizzes like the AQ one, it'd be a start to find out whether autism adaptations could help him?

Night time is very hard for us to relax in. Too much noise even if otbers think it's really quiet, bedclothes feel rough even if others think they're not (really good quality cotton can make a huge difference to some of us). And our brains just 'switch on' and want data, which is why he's using the computer.

Any aggression towards you is very wrong and he has to learn that it is always wrong to solve problems by using aggressive language or physical acts. Again, social services may have some ideas with this if you can get their attention... they may know of socialisation programs running locally that try to teach teenagers some of the basic 'people rules'.

Thanks Amber

Am devoting weekend to research on AS

Have done some research before but now becoming expert! (think I have a tendency to be a bit obsessive)

Can't seem to find any helpline working over the weekend. Thought there was a local one but seems to only have a form I can submit for their consideration.

Writing symptoms down in essay in the hope that this will be useful info for someone at some point in all of this. Just writing it is making me ever more convinced (I have been put off before as other family members not really interested) he is AS or something similar.

Just to be clear on the abusive front. He's never been remotely violent - just flies off the handle if I say something he doesn't like or try to talk to him about what he is doing that is not ok.

My current thoughts

Go back to GP
Call NAS helpline post weekend
Talk with friend of friend who specialises in AS
Read book on AS adolescence (waiting for it to arrive)
SS? have to think on that one
Talk to someone about drugs stuff this week (messy cos AS and drug dabbling combined)

Be positive and logical with DS at all times. Avoid "going on" and emotion (am I allowed to tell him I love him sometimes though so long as it is short and not gushy? - I don't think he feels loved at all). Find a way to work towards boundaries being set (complicated, but XH wouldn't buy into boundaries so need to now work solo on this as he is running riot) and do best to keep safe.

Today's challenge... says he is going to meet a girl he has met on the internet tomorrow (OMG - I'm not sure what to do on that one - will need to try to talk with him later - this is a completely new thing).

All make sense? Feel like I should be preparing him for independence and adulthood but as we are where we are, it feels more like he is 15 and I feel that there is a long haul here and support and structure needed. And how on earth could I ever talk to him about my AS thoughts?

Yup, all makes sense to me. I think we take a lot longer to prepare for adulthood...we tend to lag years behind our 'actual' age. I'm not independent now, and I'm in my 40s, but it didn't stop me having good jobs (well, ones I really enjoy, though the first one was five years of relentless hellish bullying) or marrying (er, another aspie!) or having a ds (splendid young man now but don't ask about the early years) - we've just had to think laterally all the time about who's around to ensure I'm ok (and vice-versa!) and do things very differently.

Not sure about how to talk to him re AS. Depends how his attitude to difference/disability is. Many take it really well, others aren't impressed.

Hello, I also have a 17 year old son with Aspergers. He used to be extremely naughty as a child, often doing dangerous things like switching on the gas fire and cooker so that just the gas was coming out. He always had 3 chances to stop what he was doing, and knew that on the third attempt he would get a smack on the back of the hand or on his bottom. He would not see reason and therefore had several smacks. He now says he was "abused" and has no respect for me. His behaviour now is even more challenging, with him basically running the house. I have to do everything he says and cannot have people in the house - including his older sister who he has not gotten on with for over 4 years - unless he says so. He gets extremely violent if I don't do what he wants, resulting in a lot of damage to the house. I have a crumbling spine so cannot do much...and I have recently had a hysterectomy...but I am still expected to carry his dinner upstairs to him! As I have refused to do this, he sends me very nasty text messages and comes downstairs yelling abuse at me. This is very frightening and I have told his Social Worker I feel very afraid. He is now finding out if my son can have his flat...but even if it's possible, if my son does not want to go there is no way we can 'persuade' him. I cannot live in fear for the rest of my life - but what can I do?

HarassedMomKat, no way should you be putting your health and safety at risk in this situation. Or living in fear. Your son needs serious help in sorting out what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I had to learn (as a person on the autism spectrum) and so does he, but it may take real specialised long-term help.

The social worker is not thinking sensibly at all. No way is your son ready to live alone if he can't even handle getting his own dinner without you doing it for him.

Is the local autism charity able to help as well? Sometimes they can be a very good listening ear, and know different ways to get proper help in place.

Have you put your fears into writing for social services? Make sure you list every possible danger (stairs, hot food, you struggling), every possible exhaustion, list out a whole day's nightmares and battles and abuses. If there's any way you or someone else can video a bit of his behaviour that can really help, if they haven't seen it first hand.

Shall see what else I can think of...

Hi Everyone, I've just spotted this thread and could identify with so many of you, I wanted to join you My stepson was 14 last week and has dx of Aspergers & Attachment disorder. We only got a final diagnosis last November and we've found it really difficult to get support - everything seems to be hidden from us. He's a bright boy but behaviourally very immature, doesn't have any friends and struggles with bullying at school. I try to support him but if we have a (rare)good day it's as if something tells him I'm too close and he'll find a way to push me away by doing horrid things. He prefers to spend his whole days lying on his bed reading and I worry that his life is just passing him by. We feel as if he's depressed but the specialists say he's just anxious. We'd love him to be able to get to know some other AS kids so that he would have someone who understands his world but he's really reluctant to join any groups.

Jools, would he consider online groups? Or special interest groups (we nearly always have a special interest or two...and very often there are other people on the autism spectrum in those very groups!).

I wouldn't worry overmuch about life passing him by. We mature very slowly compared to other people, and it takes us much longer to 'put down foundations'. What he's reading is probably telling him a lot about how the world works, but not in ways that other people would recognise as being useful to them.

I found a lot of friendships through the online communities - ones that developed into 'real life' friends, so it can do more than people think.

Local autism charity not much use?

Thanks Amberlight, it's really good to have your insight. We've had issues with him posting inappropriate things on Facebook (Face ache as my hubby calls it!) so we've been a bit cautious but I think we might re-consider. I've also had contact since my 1st post from an organisation called Positive Futures who have some activities locally so we might be making some progress there. We have contact with a local charity to offer support but it has to be accessed through the school & the LEA and were struggling to make progress - I'll be back on their case in September. We're also astonished and really proud that, of his own accord, he's arranged to do 1 hour a week voluntary work at our local library - he has an informal interview tomorrow - I bet I'll be more nervous than him :)