Teenage DC Needs Help & So Do I

[Successin2010]

Right, determined to be superhuman in 2010 and get through this.

Current situation is this...

Have a 17 year old DS who spends all of his time at home (online constantly), despite my protestations smokes a lot of dope, is struggling at school (despite being very bright) and is depressed/socially isolated/extremely difficult to talk to. On top of all of that it's been a bad year as XP got OW a while back and left home a few months ago. DS went rapidly downhill as XP's behaviour deteriorated and whilst things are a little better with DS now (house now a happy place thank god!), DS still has pretty much the same issues as before.

Why post here? Well tbh couldn't decide which topic to put this under but have posted here as feel that DS's behaviour matches Asperger traits. Feel that the underlying reason for the issues over the years is that DS is just wired differently to many other people. It's therefore difficult to work through issues as they come up because the obvious things you try just don't work. Reading some of the AS info on the web has been somewhat of a revelation to me. AS not discussed with DC at this stage btw as know he would react extremely badly. XP not really involved now btw, does care about DC but just does not seem able to face up to DC's issues - maybe will one day, but certainly won't do so at the moment and I've accepted now that I should not depend him to help with this as he won't help.

Some of the things attempted...

Lots of attempts to get DC to talk with someone about the issues or talk with us (DC completely rejects the idea that there is an issue and gets quite nasty if we try to discuss issues, threatens, etc)
Talking with drugs counsellor (us, DC not interested)
Talking with GP (us, DC not interested)
Chat with AS contact (me, pursuing this further)

Any ideas, anyone, am not giving up! In 2010 I will help DS move from troubled DS to much happier young adult.

Speak to his form tutor at school to get a clear picture of what problems they are seeing. personally I would think it's just a typical teenage reaction to his dad being a twunt. I think given a while it will all settle down. If he was as, i'm quite sure you would have noticed some signs yonks before now. Good Luck.

Why is he socially iolated? Is this a recent thing or has he always been a bit socially clunky (for want of a better word).
Is this something you can help with - along the lines of ''encouraging'' (bribing/threatening) him to have someone over for a sleepover - even if they just play pc games all night.
it seems to me that lonliess is the root to many related teen problems - drugs, drink, etc.

The other things which is really important for young men is some excercise. Now, god knows, my kids hate organised sports but individually like skateboarding and swimming...is there any scope for that? Even just a brisk walk a day can help alleviate depressive symptoms.

Thanks for the comments.

Have talked with his tutor who has tried to talk with him fairly unsuccessfully. The college doesn't really know what to do with him tbh - he's not working and not listening to their concerns. The tutor felt that he needed help but said that DS wouldn't listen to him at all (tutor is a counsellor).

On the AS front, I guess it's fair to say that there have been issues of various sorts along the way, but that the issues have grown much larger in the last couple of years. Why? I guess could be AS, could be home life, could be just being a teenager - probably a combination. Having read the diagnosis info on AS, DS does seem to fit the profile, but to be sure I know he'd need to see a professional and I'm obviously not able work out "how much" he fits IYSWIM. I guess in reality, there may be lots of people who kind of fit the profile, but, not enough for it to affect their lives significantly.

The Molly..

Has always been a bit socially clunky, but I guess has become more obvious as he has grown up as it's for him to organise his social life now rather than me helping with play dates. TBH I can't really help with his social life now as he's just too old for that.

Agree with you on the loneliness front. I think he is down and lonely and if he then smokes dope then that's not going to help I know. Difficult as his self esteem is low, socially he is a bit awkward and he has never been interested in sport at all. He's always been an indoors sort of person, into computers and computer games/lego etc and never one to be out and about. I used to restrict his time on the computer when he was younger, which was very difficult as it was EXTREMELY hard to get him off it. Nowadays, I do leave him to it mostly (with of course some coercing to come out for food and a chat etc) but it's difficult as he HATES me interfering and feels that he is old enough to make his own decisions. The more I try to influence him on anything TBH, the more he runs in the other direction.

I know, it did sound odd to suggest youorganise things for him, like 'playdates, but....
I suppose what I mean is, can you talk to him about his life and is he happy? And help him find ways to expand his horizons a little. Does he have any friends? Bully him into inviting someone over.

Driving lessons?
Music lessons - like bass guitar?

I know too many 'adult' males who are like this. And it wories me for my own sons, one of whom is clunky and geeky and computer-boffiny and gaming-y.

But he loves skateboarding so I really push that, and take hime to skate jams and found an ace cicrus skills youth club, where all the kids seem to be long-haired and geeky IYKWIM.

I have enough experience of this kind of male to know that lecturing on the evils of dope is not going to work [wry grin] so you have to hope you can help him find fulfilment through other - preferably human interaction!

I guess I just need to be supportive and to suggest things where I can that bring him out of himself and minimse the bad stuff (e.g. drugs, isolation, etc). It's hard though, as if I try to encourage him to do ANYTHING, it's almost as if he spots it a mile off and heads me off IYSWIM. And then gets pretty nasty with it (for example, says something like "try that again and I won't talk to you for a week"). He does have a few friends ish but I don't think they have led him in good directions sadly and so he really needs to connect with a different set if possible.

Likes music and listens constantly to it in his room (but not playing it). Is keen to learn to drive (think this is partly about trying to fit in) and I'm ok with that except that I have a horror of him trying to drive when under the influence of something which obviously is just not ok, so a bit on that right now.

I feel I'm trying to balance leaving him be (because he needs to develop his own coping skills and learn to find his way and hates the "interference") and on the other hand just doing whatever I can to bring him out of himself. And at the same time, dealing with a situation where XH left only recently and there are exams to study for (and no work being done!)

At times, feels like walking a tightrope and occasionally falling off! Do feel though that if he could just find "his thing", he would be ok.

Hi Maryz

So very good to hear from someone else in a similar position (although I'm sorry that you are IYSWIM)

Agree on the mentor front, I've thought the same but, unfortunately there's no-one that I can think of, who can fulfil that role (although I do think that XP could help if he chose to, tho it's not the same I know).

My DS does not believe he has any problems unfortunately, which is difficult. I'm just hoping that, over time, he'll realise that somehow. He needs to, I think, for us to move forward as I know I can't help him out of this solo.

Is your DS off school because of the problems? And have you had any useful advice from any professionals (e.g. drugs team, GP?)

Sounds awful Maryz and a big thing for you to deal with

I resorted to counselling at one point also because of concerns over DS and also because of lack of support from XP over the whole thing. Hoping that you have a helpful DH and that you are getting through this successfully together.

Am assuming that you are at home with DS all day which is good for him I'm sure but I guess pretty draining. I sometimes feel that I can do more when I am at home but equally do regard work as an escape from the issues as it's a lot to carry.

Sounds like your DS has at least talked with professionals of some sort. How did you get him to do that? I am stuck on that one?

And do you think he has special needs?