Adult ADHD daughter - still heavily reliant

[Givemyheadawobble99]

I wonder if anyone has any advice. My 20 year old DD is so heavily reliant on me, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and drained. She was diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive), but with hyper markers, and autism markers (but a couple short of a diagnosis of autism), back when she was 17. I always thought that when they grew up, life would be easier, but sometimes it feels even harder.

She is having friendship issues again (this has been a common theme throughout most of school from year 5 onwards). She only has a small handful of friends and they are all individual friends, not a group. The main one she would communicate with the most also claims to have ADHD but is so intolerant of anything DD does, behaviours that are very common from a neurodiverse person, I wonder how she can be. She is now blanking DD and being very short on messages and DD has no idea what she has done. I have helped her with a message asking if she's upset this friend in any way. DD has literally gone on and on about it now for days. It is completely all consuming her, and I cannot get her to "let it go". She has picked her skin on her face to pieces so there are big red welt/craters on her cheeks and keeps going on and on and on about it to me. It's actually starting to make me feel anxious now - she is passing me all of her monkeys and hot potatoes and I just can't fix it. I have given measured advice, I have been frank, I have been firm and now I am getting quite angry. She is not listening and is just winding herself up more and more and more, and won't just just draw a line under it and walk away.

It is like a bee gets in there and it just buzzes around constantly. Unfortunately, she does not have any siblings so I have always made time to listen and be a sounding board, from a sense of responsibility for her that I made the choice not to have any more children and therefore she doesn't have that support network. Husband is useless as he probably has some undiagnosed neurodiversity but this comes across as bordering on rude, but is often just that this comes out as a spade is a spade, so she won't even contemplate going to him with her troubles and woes.

I have suggested ADHD coaching to help with strategies for life generally. She nods, but then doesn't do anything about it.

She has a boyfriend who is so laid back he is horizontal, which is a complete blessing. If they ever break up, I've no idea what she will do as I'm not sure anyone else will tolerate her quirky ways.

I'm just feeling totally drained by it all. I think the hardest thing I find is that now she is an adult, she is determined and independent with her thinking and behaviours, but doesn't seem to take onboard the advice to make her life more manageable, so when in this rut, will just dwell and dwell, blaming ADHD. It is so frustrating. I think the saying "you can take the horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is very apt. I want to help her, and for her to be happy, but she doesn't listen and instead is not happy, blaming her inability to address things on ADHD.

Sorry, I think I just need to vent. If anyone has any advice (or a firm shake for me), it would be most appreciated.

At 20 she is still young and has more maturing to do. Has she been to the doctors? They could prescribe anti anxiety drugs to support her for a couple of years or as long as she needs. I really feel for her, but you need some respite too!

Struggling to get started with things is really common with neurodivergent folk. It’s not that she’s not listening, it’s just that she’s not able to manage it with her current mindset/skills.

Does she take meds for ADHD?

If you can imagine being totally immersed in doing your most favourite thing in the world. You’re really engrossed - and then someone tells you to stop, suddenly. How would you feel? Frustrated, annoyed, short-changed? You’d probably still be thinking about the thing you had to stop doing; your head would be full of it.

That’s how it feels with ADHD when someone tries to stop you talking about the thing that’s on your mind. It’s not that you’re enjoying talking about it - so the analogy slightly fails there - but you’re immersed in it and stopping talking about if feels abrupt, and you might get that constant nagging feeling in your head that something has been left unfinished. It’s really, really, really annoying.

I know this doesn’t help you at all, but I just wanted to give you a perspective from the inside. It’s really, really hard to suddenly stop, even when you’ve been fixated on it for ages.

Can you try and steer the conversation onto practical suggestions? So rather than her just fixating on how she’s been wronged, ask her whether she’ll ask the friend what’s wrong, and what she would say/do in different scenarios.

By letting her practice different scenarios you’ll be providing practical support that shouldn’t feel so burdensome.

I’m AuDHD and I have neurodivergent 15 yr old twins, DS will never live independently and DD probably won’t. DD also has ADHD and sounds very similar to your DD. She gets in a real tizzy about friends and can fixate on something for literally months.

Does she work . A part time job is a good way to keep her mind busy and meet new people

It sounds like your daughter is experiencing some executive dysfunction and it’s not that she isn’t listening or is choosing not to let this situation go; it’s that she’s completely incapable of moving forward and letting go.

The stress has become too much that she is ‘stuck’ and immovable.

In executive dysfunction she may not be able to do things for herself like seek support, and your support may be needed in the interim, for example booking ADHD coaching for her, asking about medication and taking her to the Drs etc?

I think your instincts about coaching and medical support are right, she just may need more support than you think to access these things, but as you said they may do her the world of good once she does.

She doesn’t need drugs . Over prescribing drugs meant to manage mental health conditions is a problem . ADHD is not a mental health issue .
Counselling / work/ some mediation with the friend will work better
i have been diagnosed with severe ADHD and I have also done this as an adult . Medication made things worse, and shouldn’t be the first thing people think of without trying other things first.

Is she on any medication and if so, when was she last assessed. Maybe she needs a dose adjustment now she is an adult.

So, the brain doesn’t fully form until 25. So at 20 your child is still developing their brain. Neurodivergent people struggle with the emotional part of the brain more than NT people. It’s possibly worth looking into this on more detail. And there are differences with the adhd and ASD brains as well so even without the ASD diagnosis your DD will have a brain that contradicts itself.

As for the friend you don’t think could be adhd otherwise she would be more sympathetic/toleratn. Nope. Each ND person will be different and have different prominent traits. My autistic dd was friendly at school with an autistic girl. She struggled with this girl as the seemed to have totally opposite traits - my dd doesn’t like touch but the other girl totally unaware of physical boundaries and would touch her all the time. Lots of other things that contradicted each other as well.

Rejection sensitivity is a massive thing with adhd so your DD will definitely be struggling with the friendship from this point of view. Her autistic traits would then also push the side where she won’t drop things.

It’s really hard as a parent. I’ve one diagnosed autistic teen and one undiagnosed but likely adhd teen. They butt against each other daily and it’s tiring.

Maybe you need to help her book the said coaching rather than suggesting it. Or support her to attend an adhd adult support group if there are any near you.

Have you tried a distraction tool? Is there anything she really enjoys that she can be diverted to when she gets like this? Or a place or activity she enjoys? Something to break the thought loop and give her perspective?

Totally agree. I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD this year at the age of 52. Antidepressants are often not the answer and will make things worse (they certainly did for me).

Op, I feel for you. I have a 20 year old and a 17 year old and I believe both are either ASD or have ADHD.

What does your DD do with her time? Does she work? Is she at college or uni?

Is your daughter taking ADHD medication? I am assuming not.

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at 18 after repeated episodes of severe burnout, social anxiety and depression from the age of 14, for which she had seen a psychiatrist and been treated with anti-depressants (which helped the depression but not the anxiety/burnout).

She was prescribed ADHD medication and it has been absolutely life-changing. One of the biggest impacts has been on her social interactions - she had a history of making and then losing friends due to her extreme impulsivity, the meds have helped her work on this and she has a much more stable and supportive group of friends now. She is also less anxious generally.

The other area where medication has helped is in enabling her to develop and stick to routines. For my daughter having a structure to her days and weeks is very important. What does your DD do - does she work, study? It sounds like she needs more structure and activity in her days, although as she is 20 obviously you have only limited ability to influence this.

I think what you are describing is very typical of ADHD and your thoughts on her needing coaching is absolutely right. You say “she nods and then doesn’t do anything about it” that is ADHD right there, she wants to but she can’t. You will need to help her with the first steps of finding someone and arranging things for her.
i would really suggest trying to learn more about ADHD to help you empathise with her and see things from her perspective because once you can it’s a lot easier to carry that burden. If you don’t truly understand where she’s coming from and why she behaves the way she does it will just build resentment because you’re trying to compare her abilities to your own.
I’m sure it feels like it will never change at the moment but with the right support you she can move forwards.
i highly recommend searching out some ND podcasts that may help you understand better because getting angry is just going to add to her anxiety and feeling that she’s bad at everything.
you wouldn’t get angry at a child in a wheelchair for not walking and ADHD has arguably a lot more difficulties especially because we can not see them.
medication may be a route she wishes to explore but that should be her decision and worth trying other things first but definitely hand in hand with medication if she does choose that. I know a couple of previous posters have said it isn’t the answer but actually it’s incredibly individual and works extremely well for some and little difference to others. My brother takes medication and it has transformed his life, he categorically would have lost his family and had no career without them (he started in his 40’s) but he’s flourishing now. His children were also both diagnosed late teens/early twenties and 1 takes meds and the other doesn’t.

20 is very young, so try not to worry about this being a permanent state, I'm NT but was a nightmare at 20 (making bad choices, not taking responsibility, having MH challenges , fell our terribly with my parents etc), I'm now v responsible and settled and have a great rship with my parents.
Her Adhd is not an excuse but it is a reason, she's not choosing to dwell/fixate, nor is she choosing to ignore your advice. She will be struggling to move past/let things go and her executive functioning challenges will make it hard for her to break down (what will seem overwhelming) tasks into manageable chunks that she can start and finish.
I think the real trick here is for you to manage what is clearly frustrating for you (understandably frustrating, you're not being unreasonable) because I don't think you're going to change this situation and you can't do it for her. So you'll need to get yourself to a place, through boundary setting and processing your emotions about this, where you're OK with it and not feeling so stressed and annoyed. I think the poster saying that learning more about adhd, following some adhd influences, reading or podcasting up on it etc is right, it'll help you understand why she is the way she is and what might be helpful for her. I appreciate that sounds like it is laying the issue at your door, but you can't "fix" her. It may be that you say to her "we've discussed this before and you've had my advice, so maybe you need to xyz because I don't think I've anything left to say" ratger than getting cross that she isn’t just doing what you've said. I wonder if counselling would help you think through your boundaries and what you can take/give before you draw a line. Possibly finding other ways to process your frustration so you can stay calm with her and keep the relationship in a space you're comfortable with.
I agree with your advice to her (seeking help, an adhd coach, maybe the gp), and it's a good idea to support her but you're also right that she needs to be an adult and deal with those things herself, this will take her time and will be hard for her and she will want to talk to you about it. You're doing the right things, you just need to be able to process how it feels - "it is what it is right now" and be OK with that (which is hard, my son is nd and I catastrophise a lot "what if this is him for life?" "What if he never moves out?" "What if he can't have a normal relationship?" - it doesn't help him or me, and things change all the time, things improve, he grows up and there are always ups and downs)
It's hard, it's a combination of frustration and anxiety that life is difficult for them. Processing that and being a helpful support is all you can do, she's doing her best I think, it just looks different to you.

I completely agree with this. My daughter has a AuADHD and tried meds and they were not helpful. We are navigating a similar path ( bit younger than op daughter but gets very caught up in friend drama and it becomes all consuming).

It sounds like she is in freeze mode ie fight flight freeze hence the stuck feeling and not able to move forward. If OPs daughter is picking her face to that extent her poor nervous system is in shreds and she is trying to self soothe. Reading that makes my heart bleed to be honest. I almost wish I could just sit with her and help to make it all better.

I do feel so sad when I hear how hard it is for these young people. The sense of rejection is very strong aswell so please understand these strong feelings are real. Things like yoga and somatic movement and also exercise like weights and rowing / cross trainer can really help shift some of the intensity much moreso than medication. Even getting out for a brisk walk and using eyes to look around the horizon will shift the brain out of this stuck freeze mode and calm her back down.

ADHD coaching is the way to go. Personally I recently started some coaching of my own with an amazing lady who has helped me a lot with meditation, yoga therapy and grounding and also specific coaching around my goals.

Initially to think about my boundaries and how to communicate them in a more thoughtful way. But also how to regulate and manage the very intense emotions that are a big part of ADHD. Even though I’m much older and have great Exec planning in that I can organise things amazingly well I still struggle with certain areas especially overthinking which leads to overwhelm. ADHD is not a mental health issue but can end up affecting mental health. Be alongside your daughter Op to just listen. You also need some support aswell I imagine as I know it’s exhausting supporting someone like this and it’s common to end up with compassion fatigue’.
Id try and gently get her to agree to the ADHD coach and put some more resources her way as there is a huge amount of information now from ADHD charities

@Givemyheadawobble99 the big thing to bear in mind is the 30% lag in emotional maturity that is typical with ADHD. So although she's 20, she's actually more like a 14 year old in terms of maturity. So she's not really an adult.
If she hasn't tried meds, now might be the time to consider it particularly for the anxiety. Treat her like a child in that regard and take her to the GP. From your side, I think your position needs to be that ADHD is not an excuse for anything and not to collude with that. It is a diagnosis that explains why someone has particular difficulties and the key point to having the diagnosis is to identify the most appropriate strategies that will help to manage those difficulties.

That’s your own experience and you’re entitled to your opinion, however it is an opinion at the end of the day; it’s not facts. Medication can be a lifeline for some people. The daughter is showing symptoms of severe anxiety.

Rejection sensitivity can be a big thing for some ADHD people. My daughter suffers massively with it. She also reads social interactions wrong. Every day she’s asking me does this person hate me because this happened. And 9 times out of 10 it sounds to me like nothing other than normal reactions that she’s over reacting to. So the loss of a main friend would be devastating to her. She’d would need to know why. Did she do something wrong, if not why did this person suddenly hate her etc etc. she wouldn’t be able to let it go either. I’ve had to explain before that sometimes friends just grow apart and it’s not her fault, and sometimes you can’t change it, because you can’t make another person see things your way. Also pointing out that if this girl won’t even communicate what’s wrong then maybe this girl is the one with the problem and isn’t as nice as she thought she was and isn’t a good friend. My daughter also struggles to do things even when she knows she needs to do them. She’s 17 so slightly younger but I still have to do things for her like she’s still 14 sometimes other times she can manage herself. I’ve come to understand from reading adhd blogs that it’s not laziness, they genuinely struggle to start things, it feels big and overwhelming even though it wouldn’t to us. If your daughter has agreed to seeing someone for help but isn’t getting the help, offer to make an appointment for her. Offer to go with her if she wants. Help her get started with it and she might then be able to continue the path on her own. I’ve come to accept I’m going to be helping my daughter for a lot longer than is normal. I’m sure she will eventually get the skills she needs to manage alone but it’s going to take more time than I originally expected.

OMG @Givemyheadawobble99 are you me???? My DD2 is a year older and was diagnosed in the last year. I’m in despair. I have to support her so much. I am
not well and this support is draining a disproportionate amount of my energy. I have discussed it a lot with my counsellor and she says she is amazed at my skill at solving her problems (and those of other members of the family) which has made me feel a bit better. I had never thought of it before/

Just wanted to reach out to show some solidarity.

We need to form a mutual support group!

so with ADHD and autism you know that hyperfixation can be a common ‘quirk’ as you call them. This is a MASSIVE deal to her. You have done everything you can and have to say ‘I am done discussing this’

she is only 20 so still have some maturing to do. You have been frank with her but maybe some therapy with coping mechanisms or even anti anxiety medication can help her.

It may be worth a discussion with the GP especially is she harming herself (skin picking) because of it.