Dealing with rude and angry outbursts?

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DS (23) is neurodiverse with (undiagnosed) ASD traits. He's fairly high-functioning and a lot of people probably wouldn't know. He has successfully made it through uni/post-grad course and has recently moved to live back at home.

Problem is that his career is as a performer which results in massive highs and lows in his stress levels (par for the course in this industry!). It's only since he's moved home again that we've realised quite how narcissistic he can be too.

We love him dearly but since he came back home we feel we are constantly walking on eggshells around him and he is trying to impose his demands on everyone and everything!

An example would be him storming out of his room at 9.30am and screaming and shouting because someone was having a shower and it woke him up, and he 'needed his sleep because he'd only got back at midnight...'

Although he seems remorseful after an unreasonable outburst he never actually seems to appreciate that it was unjustified, nor does he apologise. It's just papered over and we carry on until the next one.

I can't live like this with him. How do we address it?

Can you suggest ear plugs for DS?

Appearing to be controlling can be a sign of anxiety. Is DS receiving any support?

Is he waiting for a diagnosis?

He has a diagnosis for dyslexia and doesn't want to be diagnosed for anything else, but admits that he seems to have lots of ASD traits.

He has earplugs, eye mask, black out blind etc.

I don't think he is showing signs of anxiety any more than usual - his chosen career gives him peaks and troughs of anxiety - it's part of his creative process really.
But the issue is that now he is living back at home we need him to understand that the world cannot revolve solely around him, and we need to find solutions that work for us all.
Us not being 'allowed' to shower before 10am, or not eating the last banana for fear of prompting a meltdown simply isn't how we want to live. We already adjust our lives a huge amount for him, but at some point we have to draw a line and say enough is enough.
Obviously the solution is for him to move out, but he can't afford that yet, so we need to muddle through.

I'm just wondering how people get their ND offspring to recognise that they cannot always have everything exactly as they would like, and recognise the needs of others too?

Wow, ASD or not, this is your house and he should understand that. Your rules, and having a shower at 9am is not unreasonable, and if he is not happy he can move out. WTH? I would not tolerate that.

Hi OP. This does sound stressful. How are things going now?

Just coming back to this thread again. So we've been trying to rock along OK together and holidays/ time away at friends etc means we haven't all been together all the time, which has helped.

However things have started kicking off again and he has started to establish some 'routines' for himself which are causing us a lot of angst e.g.

• early mornings - leaving the house at 5.30am to go to the gym
• going to bed early and telling us to be quiet around the house
• earmarking/ separating food that he plans to eat in the fridge/kitchen, so that it is 'protected' e.g. the night before laying out items he intends to eat for breakfast
• leaving stuff all over the place, but getting angry if we touch it or try to tidy it away

I know the NT parent response is 'tell him to buy his own food/ move out' but that's simply not an option yet (no money, no job yet) so we have to try to make thigs work. However I'm not willing to feel controlled and like a prisoner in my own home.
Any attempt to initiate discussions seems met with defiance and angry outbursts. He just doesn't seem to understand how his actions impact us.