DS going into residential care

[Lakeviewhouse]

DS age 16yrs ASD, mild ID will be going into residential care in the next few months.
It has been a nightmare of a journey. I love my son so much but he is over 6 foot and 120kgs and overpowers me numerous times a day. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
We had a crisis 3 months ago when he attacked his younger brother. That's when we made the final decision. But the whole process takes around 6 months. We live in ireland. It's like a form of torture. Waiting, waiting, waiting. One day I want him to go the next day I'm crying my eyes out and don't want him to go.
I'm just looking for a handhold or any words of wisdom for anyone that has been through this nightmare.
Thanks

Hand hold here .
be kind to yourself, you kept him in the family home and at 16 despite the challenges , you’ve done it.
see it as a success . You gave him the best possible start to life, and now you’re just moving to the next stage of his and your family life.

i meet young adults living in residential
and I’m blown away at how ready they were for this next stage .

Another handhold, you will be in a position to make sure he is in the right setting and secure his future and that of other family members.

Handhold here....you sound like a wonderful loving mother making a difficult but brave and wise decision for your family.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words.
We are another day closer to residential. Part of me is delighted and the other part is heartbroken.
This is a journey for sure.

I totally get it OP but like others have said you’ve given him such a great start. It’s not going to be easy to let him go but try to look on it as the next stage avd it’s time to devote some of your time to your younger DC

I have been there 3years ago DH died daughter was 17 with complex health needs, it would have been too risky to keep her here as I have 3 others with Down Syndrome. It was so hard I often have a cry, I feel so guilty. Sadly she is nearly 200 miles away so visits are rare! However she is happy and so well cared for so I just have to suck it up!
Take care of yourself and try not to feel guilty it is difficult!

Having had a DD in residential schools/FE college and adult care, ime after listening to many other mothers, it was a harder decision for the mother in advance than the DC.

In DD’s case, she was too vulnerable to be mixing with mainstream boys at secondary; and she would have failed miserably in schools, where her complex needs were beyond them.

She loved it - residential school was the happiest time of her life, as although she missed us, it was the closest time she had to a normal childhood. In fact, we’d be talking to her on the phone in the evenings and suddenly we’d find ourselves talking to her best friend. She was bored with us, and had gone off with her friends!

When he goes, you might find you are even more exhausted than you realised! Sometimes, you have to admit you’ve done your best; but you can’t keep it up 24/7 and you’ll be heading for carer breakdown if you don’t get support - and that won’t help any of your DC.

You will have more energy to spend quality time with DS, when you do see him.

Another handhold here. Whilst neither of my children are in a place they would need residential care, I work, and have worked with, a number of families going through this process and who have gone through this process. It is the most heartbreaking, yet freeing decision you will ever make in your life. You are giving your child the opportunity to thrive in an environment their needs can be met, and you will be able to truly enjoy your time with him when you have him with you.

Sending gentle hugs and well wishes. You are a brave and loving mother for making this decision.

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I appreciate your advice and support. Nobody in real life understands the trauma of this.
If you don't mind I'll keep you updated. At the moment we are waiting on costings, then submission to the health service for funding. At least another 3 months wait.

Please do keep us updated. My daughter (27) needs residential care but social care will only agree to a supported tenancy which would be unsuitable and unsafe. We will have to legally challenge them at some point in the near future but not ready for that currently.

Many of us will
have to go through this, and it’s such a small minority this applies to, any updates you can give us on her would be appreciated.

Yes, we had that. Education inquired from DD1’ s prospective residential school, how the fees should be split for tripartite funding - ie education, social services and health. I don’t know what happened between them, but only education and social services ended up paying joint funding.

Still, when DD1 eventually got adult NHS CHC funding, health had to pay for all her residential care and any other costs arising from her primary health need for the foreseeable future.