Firstly I know this is mumsnet and step mums can do no right but lots of wrong.
Adult step son is 25. He is undiagnosed. Refer in pipeline but lots of referrals when he was very young for ASC and some diagnosis and courses from aged 3. Lots of diagnosed ASC in family. I’m paying to go private for him as he moaned about NHS times. Mum died when he was a late teen. He has a degree, works full time in a minimum wage job, struggles socially (no friends). He will not engage socially and doesn’t want friends or a pet. We are paying for a private diagnosis, we are getting him work based counselling and other counselling especially that work with ASC. We support him, we try to help challenge him, let him fail, catch him, accept etc
I have been in his life for a few years and now married to his Dad. Up until recently he lived with us, but we have now got him his own flat round the corner. I love him. But he is so draining that it is seriously affecting my MH and that of his step siblings. I am diagnosed Autistic and ADHD, one of his s siblings is diagnosed ASC and one is ADHD. DH has struggled with depression and takes medication but I wouldn’t say he is depressed.
SS has a draining personality I use the GP’s words and DH’s. He is exhausting. He moans about everything the GP had to cut him off during his last 30 min appointment and talk about time and other patients. I work in a highly demanding job (engineering) and work long hours. He will moan at me about his day and Karen’s non filling of the stapler, he just keeps going even when I call time firmly or say no. He then moves on the next family member. He has multiple issues at work due to his quirks and can’t see the issue that going on about the stapler is in no one’s interest. He can phone me 4 times during the working day moaning. I now will not answer.
The dog hasn’t been well she on meds from the vet and 4 times today he has told me graphically how she is going to die this week. Upsetting both step siblings. DH has currently gone around to his flat to have words with him.
He has moved out but works from home now which due to moaning about people at work - which they are keen for him to do. They get a choice to work in the office or WFH and he is strongly encouraged to work from home. His work is good but low level. He has been refused promotions as they say he struggles with people skills and management although they are working with him and paying for him to do courses learning social skills.
Meanwhile living round the corner he wants to pop around most evenings for dinner or because ‘he hasn’t seen anyone all day’. Both DH and I struggle we love him and don’t want him lonely but we can’t face 5 hours of Karen and the stapler.
We have tried family based activities eg bowling, Wii, tv etc but he just talks over the top even when told no. I know this is his ASC.
DH doesn’t like going to his flat as he treats it as a pig sty. I won’t go it is unhygienic and he says he doesn’t bother. When he lived with us, he had to be asked to unload the dishwasher, then again, the again and then he would unloading it moaning about it and then moaning about it for the next 24 hours. I kid you not he had his own bathroom but it was caked in faeces etc and DH employed a cleaner just to do his room (DH did charge him for this) once a week. So much stuff was damaged - not just once but repeatedly eg burning pans, breaking stuff, coffee up walls and he would say ‘errr yes that was me but I didn’t see what damage there was’. He once cooked on the halogen hob and wrecked it to the point we had to buy a new one.
We try not to exclude him eg went swimming in a lido outdoor Saturday so paid for him to come too-we all went, we are a family for 4 hours he went on and on and on moaning about something. His siblings love him but they were like Shut up!
I feel so upset. He has no friends despite support, counselling and encouragement. He has intense hobbies eg trains but will not join a club or anything. So this is his life.
He wants to come round in evenings and weekends and he literally sits scrolling on his phone, moaning and not contributing anything. DH is at snapping point and wants to tell him - no, you can come round one afternoon on the weekend and one evening and phone once each day to each of us and then gradually work down to less frequent.
I know this is MN and I will have some people saying get him to move back in or come over every day and some who say NC. It’s a balance. We don’t feel contact with us is making him happier.
We are approaching semi retirement - other kids are 18 and 16 and in midst of exams. They are really struggling.
I know someone is going to say I hate him, that makes me sad and upset, I really don’t. He’s family. He is loved and we know he is ASC. DH has two brothers that both live in supported accommodation diagnosed ASC and can not live alone. Neither brother sees the other although they are in the same accommodation, they mainly are in their rooms. They are non verbal really and non social although we make an effort to see and talk to them.
I really don’t know if anyone has any suggestions. Or can offer any support. Please be kind.