ASD dd and friendships

[Japril]

I am looking for some advice about how to help my ASD dd15. She ends up in situations where she has one intense friendship and then they decide she is annoying and she has no one. She is convinced that everyone in her whole year hates her, is terrified of initiating meet ups in case people reject her and is so keen to be a ‘normal’ teenager who is invited to parties. She is high masking and school are a bit shit. When I have mentioned problems before they called her into a meeting in front of everyone, she then didn’t know what to say when people asked her what it was about. My heart breaks for her and I just want her to be happy.

With the current friend this is the 2nd time there have been rumblings that she is annoying and they don’t like her. She is devastated. I really want her to have some self respect but I get that she doesn’t want to blow up her whole life. I have suggested she slowly withdraw by going to the library some lunchtimes to revise (she has exams coming up), maybe sitting with some other people on other occasions and mixing it up so there isn’t a pattern to spot, but I doubt she will do this.

I am so bad at these kind of situations, as is dh, who just lectures her that she needs better friends!

Have a look at rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Some find therapy helpful with RSD. Would DD be open to that?

Ask the school if they have anyone who can support emotional literacy work.

Has DD had SALT and OT assessments?

Does DD do any extra-curricular activities outside of school? That could be a way of building interaction with peers away from school.

I have thought about rejection sensitive dysphoria in the past, she fits a lot of the categories but is definitely not a perfectionist!
She has just been crying at me for 2 hours and I did mention counselling. She isn’t sure how it will help because we can’t force people to like her but I am going to look into it and see if I can find someone that would fit with her.
She had an ABC motor skills assessment last year and she scraped into the average zone. She hasn’t had SALT or any other OT, do you think they might be helpful? she had a physio assessment when she was younger because of hypermobility.
I will contact the school tomorrow and ask for some help. Outside of school she has music lessons but these are individual so not a chance to meet people.

SALT and OT can help with things like social interaction and social communication as well as emotional regulation. They would help.

Counselling wouldn’t help make others like DD, but it could help with emotional regulation. Rather than counselling, DD might get on with something that relies less on verbal communication e.g. animal assisted therapy.

It’s worth looking at an extra-curricular that involves interaction with others.

RSD could still be at play even if DD isn’t a perfectionist.