School broke my child

[nolight]

Putting this here to see if others who have gone through something similar would like to reach out.

I have suspected my son (now 16) was probably neurodivergent but generally managed to cope with a lot of mainstream life – we just avoided certain situations etc.

He had always hated school, found it stressful and would regularly come home annoyed/stressed sometimes quite angry. Things came to a head by the end of Year 10 and he had an almighty breakdown (we now know bullying was a big factor), developed severe OCD and had to drop out of school.

We now have a positive ASD diagnosis. He is continuing school from home via online learning and is getting treatment for OCD but it remains a huge problem despite medication. It hugely restricts both his life and mine (as he needs me to help him with daily life). I am finding it exhausting and am struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Has anyone been through something similar and can provide some hope?

School broke my DD too, but we are slowly on the path to recovery.

She is 16, diagnosed as autistic last year, unfortunately she was already in crisis and has been out of school since last September. School have been unable to offer any alternative provision, we are finally at the point where we may get some hospital education provision. The last six months have been very tough and lonely. I'm focusing on trying to find activities that she enjoys and she is slowly coming back to us, self harming has reduced.

Posting in solidarity, it is a lonely situation to be in, and particularly in a landscape of all this talk in the media of 'overdiagnosis' and benefits cuts.

Have you had social care assessments? And does DS have an EHCP?

@RhinestoneCowgirl is DD 16 and in Y11 or 16 and in Y12? If the former, the LA rather than the school has a duty to provide alternative provision if DD is unable to attend school. Does DD have an EHCP?

She is in Y11 @StrivingForSleep, I have written to the LA requesting alternative provision (using IPSEA template), they took six weeks to reply and gave a fudging answer saying they are sorry that school were unable to help and saying that we should contact the school again. Useless. I am working on a reply to them this week as I know this is illegal. We are in process of EHC needs assessment at the moment, decision is due this week in fact, but EP has not been assigned yet as there is a shortage, so this will be delayed.

Ultimately, it is the LA’s responsibility. Ordinarily, if the LA has refused or ignored, I would suggest a pre-action letter and SOSSEN can help with this. However, the LA’s duty under s19 of the Education Act 1996 will end when DD is no longer compulsory school age or 6 weeks before that if she is not sitting exams. While the LA has the power to make provision for those post compulsory school age, they don’t have a duty to. Therefore, by the time you have a pre-action letter sent, there may be little point. With that in mind, I would try again with the Director of Children’s Services - you could always threading JR even if you then decide it isn’t worth it for the time left.

The EHCNA process is governed by statutory timescales. If the LA tells you there will be a delay because of the EP shortage, remind them of the timescales and inform them if they breach them you will be forced to pursue JR because they would be frustrating your right of appeal. If the LA cannot assess in-house within the timescales, they should commission independent assessments.

Hi @StrivingForSleep No we've not had a social care assessment (didn't know anything about it tbh). We are fortunate to have a psychologist but the OCD is so severe that it is far from getting better. I'm hoping an increase in medication will help him start to tackle the stubborn thoughts.

The ASD assessment recommended applying for an EHCP so I will start off that process.

@RhinestoneCowgirlSorry to hear you've had a tough time too. I'm glad to hear that DD is starting to show signs of improvement.

I thought that once DS left the school he would gradually improve but what I've discovered is that he has been quite badly traumatised and the fall-out is long-lasting.

I would honestly do anything to go back to a year ago and am kicking myself for not pulling him out of school before it tipped him over the edge.

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

An EHCP will be able to provide more therapeutic support than is typically available via CAMHS.

"I thought that once DS left the school he would gradually improve but what I've discovered is that he has been quite badly traumatised and the fall-out is long-lasting."

Snap - absolutely. I feel it's only in the last few weeks that DD has begun to relax and has realised that we're not going to force her back to school.

"I would honestly do anything to go back to a year ago and am kicking myself for not pulling him out of school before it tipped him over the edge."

I've also had these thoughts (and shared them with my therapist!) but I've had to forgive myself for this. I found that school were full of warm words about how they could 'support' DD when she first started struggling in Y9, and that she seemed fine in school, but she was so far from fine. They also told me not to bother applying for an EHCP as we wouldn't get one.

I have had exactly these thoughts too, but I would say you really can't blame yourself.

Thanks - I'll look into this.

I agree there's no point blaming myself and at the time I thought that he'd be able to get through one more year. He would have hated changing school anyway and I think even though he found it stressful there, it was a case of 'better the devil you know'.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time. DS is now 16 and hopefully I can keep him in school until at least Easter, then it will be GCSEs and I look forward to him never darkening their door again! He started to breakdown in Y8 (already had autism and an EHCP in place) and school were not very effective. Having learned from primary that unless I do it, it won't get done (the always say you won't get a diagnosis or an EHCP btw, but you can) so I asked the school to put him on a part time timetable/drop languages so he could rest and do homework in school. We paid for an ADHD assessment and he went on meds then managed slowly to come back to life a bit with lots of help. The stuff in his plan has rarely been delivered so it was me who did the teaching at home and we got him a Morrisby subscription so he could decide what he wanted in future. All this combined so that he has managed to tolerate school with one less GCSE than everyone else but it has been so hard keeping him going and getting him in. Have you heard of spoon theory? I would get him dressed and do everything/get him to school so he didn't have to use up any energy on anything apart from going there. It has nearly killed us! He is doing OK but wouldn't be able to tolerate much more so I am glad we are nearly at the end and seem to have managed to avoid reaching full burnout - I hope! I am so sorry your DC have got to that point. I really suggest that you do apply for an EHCP because what that will give you is time. It covers until 25 and it means you can do some other learning at home via EOTAS and then maybe in a year sign up for 6th form if you can find somewhere small and nice. Think about where you want your DC want to be long term and think about small steps to get them there building little bits of confidence on the way. Rest, relax and build them up. Try not to worry - think of the year as a rest and recovery. If you apply now for the EHCP then it will take at least half a year to get anything in place so you can use that time to recuperate. Then see what the LA can offer you. Have you seen Not Fine in School? And also Spectrum Gaming? Lots of really good advice and resources there. It is so hard - but it will get better if you find good people to advise you. You are definitely not alone! Sending hugs xx

Today we heard that DD's hospital education referral has been accepted, which is a relief. This means a bit of home tuition for what's left of this academic year while (hopefully) EHCP is secured, then restart Y11 in September either with hospital ed or EOTAS.

I hated the way school made me feel earlier this year, when they were pressuring us to send DD back to school. My fear was that she would just end up in crisis again, as nothing had changed at school for her, it was still too big and noisy, a sensory nightmare. Full of students who thought she was weird, one of whom filmed her having a panic attack one day. Charming.

Now my days are focussed on opportunities for joy: tomorrow we're going to visit some goats at the city farm.

Thanks @UptonFunk for all the recommendations. I know exactly what you mean about spoon theory. Since the breakdown he has less spoons than before and his ability to cope has been massively reduced. I still think he's in fight or flight even after all these months. Fingers crossed your DS makes it through to the exams in one piece.

@RhinestoneCowgirl Great news about the hospital ed referral. Well done for standing firm - you definitely made the right decision. x

@nolight also look at “defence mode” by Asperger’s Expert. That’s another good lens to make sense of things. I hope it gets better soon

Thanks @nolight, I know it has been the right decision for DD, but it has been such a lonely time being at home with her. Luckily we can afford for me not to work much this year (I'm self-employed), but it does mean that my world is quite small at the moment. Connecting with others in similar position does help, reminds me that it's not just us.

Getting an EHCP in place for your DS will give you the time he needs, it goes up to age 25. Our DC have a different pathway, definitions of success look different. For example, DD wants to go to uni one day, and I have faith that she will, just not on the same timescale as her peers.

Our Ds was bullied too. It destroyed him. He wanted to end his life it was so bad. He wouldn’t go in the end. Thankfully it was year 11 by this time and he managed to study for GCSEs at home in the end. I insisted the school keep him on roll so he could do exams there and that he be given a separate room from the bullies in which to sit them. He had a diagnosis of depression and anxiety from a child psychiatrist by this point which helped. We paid privately as the waiting list was so long. It’s a huge problem apparently. He then left the school and took a year to recover a bit. He did volunteering had very helpful weekly CBT counselling sessions and joined a gym. Physical exercise was his salvation in some ways. He’d never done it before but took to it in a big way. It was a long and lonely year as he had no friends as such. After this he did A levels in our city college and has begun to thrive. Making male friends is tricky as his trust is so low but he has a lovely girlfriend. He’s got university offers now and a part time job. He’s a world away from where he was in school. I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing the same. I think schools are like zoos but less well regulated. Sending you a huge hug xxx

I’m just adding that he did A levels in college ‘part time’ which meant he could come and go. This is a million times better.

School destroyed my daughter too.

She left a few weeks before her exams started last year due to how toxic school was. The teaching staff were useless and didn't ever acknowledge any issues despite us repeatedly asking for help. I feel like we failed her despite years of counselling, doctor visits, school meetings, meds etc

Fortunately she managed to pass her A levels and secured a place at university.
It soon became apparent that deferring her place for a year would be the best option to enable us to help her to work on resolving the issues caused by years of toxic school life and peers. How her peers can live with themselves is beyond me, how can they be so cruel?

Obviously we know this is going to take longer than a year but it gives us the peace and space to help without the stress of university.

Having a diagnosis of ASD at 17 was also something to work through and obviously was a major contributory factor into many years of unhappy schooling. Again this was something that school wouldn't acknowledge.

I have to say that she is completely different from the Year 13 child from last year. She's chatty, more confident and more importantly believes in herself. She is pushing herself to do things that she would never have dreamed of doing. She's also driving and to see her pootle off in her car always fills me with pride as it's such an achievement.

Those of you who have experienced similar know that this can be such a lonely journey. Where my own friends were excitedly chatting about their children's parties, holidays with friends, part time jobs, relationships etc, I'd be feeling quite sad and envious as my dd wasn't able to or invited do any of that. What I do know now though is that she is growing into a strong young woman who knows her mind. She's the kindest, sweetest soul and with guidance will find her way. It's just a different way to how we thought it would be.

Best wishes to all of you experiencing similar xx

I'm glad things are better for your DD now @SailingWithNineLives, it does give me hope when I hear from parents with older DC. Reminds me that it is possible to find a way through.

I really relate to what you wrote about feeling out of sync with other parents. We're feeling this acutely at the moment as we're coming up to the end of Year 11. There will be no prom or leaver's assembly for DD, she's going to try and sit English and Maths GCSEs this year but even that feels like it might be too much. She makes amazing art, and is such an intelligent and funny young woman, it is so difficult to see her struggle.