Making adjustments for ASD son. Good or bad thing??

[freshfesias97]

My ASD son is 16 and MOST OF THE TIME very able. He is confident, articulate, very social and mature. However he does get overwhelmed in busy places, crowds or with anywhere or anything where there is lots going on. So he avoids these things as he knows they are triggers so for example although he is very social and loves people he will not go to a party but he will go to a gathering of 3 or 4 friends at a friends house.

He loves theatre and he thrives on stage but he can struggle with the overwhelming sensory overload that backstage can bring. He is also very academic and hopes to go to uni or drama school after A levels but family H, parents and MIL are telling me I am trying to make him believe he is the same as everyone else and he isn't and I need to discourage any type of higher education as he will not cope and I should also be discouraging him from performing because he always gets stressed and very overwhelmed before a show and "no one likes a diva" and it also isn't fair on the rest of the family to have to witness or deal with his meltdowns when it all becomes a bit much.

He wants to be an actor and loves school and learning but struggles with the workload as he puts pressure on himself to get A's all the time and if he doesn;t he finds this hard to cope with.

I need to give him a reality check apparently and tell him that people - (family, teachers and employers!!) should not make adjustments just to fit in with his issues - if he can't cope with certain things then he just needs to have an easy life working in a menial role in a small company and do the things he can do without being overwhelmed.

So I am beginning to doubt myself now - I have always been told I am a good parent but I wonder if I am trying to make him be someone he will never be!!

I must admit his SF6 have been amazing at making adjustments for him to make school life easier as has his theatre school but I am wrong asking this or as my DH says expecting this - if he can;t be like the other students he shouldn't be there. I am singling him out and making him different. If I encouraged him to stop dreaming and just have him work part time somewhere with no stress he would be much happier.

I am always trying to make things easier for him - for example he likes going to the theatre but he struggles with coming home on the bus late at night and the nights I work H will not collect him because he is 16 he needs to learn to get the bus, if its too much for him don't go out.

In a nut shell - we (parents, employers..) etc shouldn't be making things easier for him - if he can't do things the same as everyone else don't do them.

I would like to know other peoples views as I am feeling quite deflated at the moment and think maybe I am trying to make him be "normal" for my own benefit and tell him it is ok to just stay home and work in a menial job but I don't think he would be happy doing this - he needs people and vibrancy and I don't think there is anything wrong with making a few adjustments.

Of course reasonable adjustments should be made.

When the time comes, it would be wise to help DS think about what would meet his needs. For example, campus vs city university, staying at home vs living away from home, self catering vs catered, shared vs en-suite vs studio, if DS will need more support or will want to come home not a university at the other end of the country, how the course is taught and examined…

I think you have to point out to the detracting members of your family is that how your ds is at sixteen is not necessarily how he will be for the rest of his life. This is true for both of my ds's who cope with a lot more at 22 than they did at 16. If your ds wants to go to university or do drama school then I think he should be supported to do so. As BrightYellowTrain says this could be choosing one close to home (like my ds's), having ensuite accomodation (ds2 in his first year), helping your ds access the support that most universities offer for students with an ASC etc etc.

Against my better judgement I "let" ds2 go to a university away from home and he has coped far better than I imagined. He is still a work in progress but I have a lot more hope for him than I did a few years ago. I think because it is something he wanted to do he has been more motivated to overcome the hurdles.

Acting is a competitive industry and maybe it won't work out long-term for your ds but he will probably gain valuable life-skills and maturity along the way. I also think most jobs end up having some stress associated with them menial or not.

Of course adjustments should be made. ASD is a disability and by law reasonable adjustments have to be made. If he was in a wheelchair would your family say no adjustments should be made? What constitutes reasonable though definitely varies in our experience with DS (19 and has ASD).

DS is doing a degree apprenticeship in a subject he loves, 4 days full time work and then a day of uni. He is absolutely thriving and coping much better than he ever did in secondary school. His work are very supportive of any adjustments and he had a call from an OT before he started, he had a couple things put in place but hasn't actually needed them.

Only your son can decide what makes him happy, other people can't decide that for him. Make sure he understands that theatre as a career can be a very difficult and competitive choice for anyone - and then let him decide what he wants to do, with your support and encouragement.

Your DH sounds like a complete dick by the way. Is he your son's father?

Thank you for your replies. My DH makes me feel like a bad parent sometimes - he is also autistic (although undiagnosed) and would not dream of letting anyone make adjustments to help him do things he can't cope with - he just doesn't do them - he can't go into a supermarket he gets too overwhelmed so he doesn't go in but if anyone suggested that they could for example keep the shop open for him to go in alone at the end of the day he wouldn't like it because he doesn't believe society should change to fit in with his needs of as it isn't fair on the them. He says our son needs to learn to fit into an NT world and I must stop making him believe that he can live in the world with people bending backwards to help him. You just do what you can do without getting overwhelmed and stressed and not try and strive for more as that is selfish on everyone else.

DH has his weird quirks - he hates doing anything that could upset anyone - so no bbqs in summer - not fair on the neighbours or no kids birthday parties in the garden as the whole street doesn't want to listen to kids in the garden on a summers afternoon. My kids have missed out on alot because of his weird quirks and by being kind to everyone else he is inadvertently being mean to his own children.

I want my son to live life to the best of his potential and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. DH wants him to just to stay home for ever (which I think is possibly his way of protecting him!). If its too hard and you have to put other people out to do it , you just don't do it - end of!