Help me to get my 14 year old to wash

[Heebeebee]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for advice about my 14-year-old son. He has sensory processing issues and ADHD, which make daily hygiene tasks like showering and brushing his teeth, using deodorant etc extremely challenging. He absolutely hates these activities, and it’s a constant struggle to get him to engage with them.

He spends 50% of his time with me and the other half with his dad, so any strategies we try need to be simple enough for him to manage at both homes. I want to respect his sensory needs while helping him develop better hygiene.

I've tried flavoured toothpaste, soft brushes.

Bought him all the shower gels under the sun.

He's a young 14 year old in general, probably due to his sensory problems. I hate how distressed basic hygiene tasks make him.

Has anyone else faced similar challenges with a teenager? What has worked for your ds/dd? I’d love suggestions on products, approaches, or techniques that take sensory and ADHD needs into account.

Thank you in advance for your help!

I have no advice I’m sorry but we are in the same situation. My son is autistic. We did find a mango toothpaste that he likes but he still doesn’t brush his teeth unless I prompt him repeatedly. It’s frustrating.

I feel for you. DD was the same for ages. Slightly better now she's a bit older.

I've seen a flavourless toothpaste mentioned on an another thread, I think you can get it on Amazon.

Is he able to tell you which nuts are troublesome for him? I don't like toothpastes that create a lot of foam and I find coming out of a warm shower and stepping into a cool bathroom unpleasant so I tend to have a shower when the heating has warmed up the bathroom a bit in the morning.

Has DS had a sensory OT assessment? And does he receive ongoing sensory OT support?

Some find dry shampoo or rinse free shampoo/no rinse shampoo caps work for them. Would DS try that? Or a non-foaming shampoo if you haven’t tried that.

Have you tried unflavoured toothpaste and toothpaste that doesn’t foam?

What types of deodorants have you tried? For example, a natural deodorant stick is a different sensory feel to a roll on.

I know you said you have tried lots of shower gels, have you tried block soap or a body wash that doesn’t lather in the same way.

Some people find checklists &/or back chaining useful. Others find a gym or swimming membership and showering there afterwards works.

I know you said you have tried lots of shower gels, have you tried block soap or a body wash that doesn’t lather in the same way

A block of soap might work. I don't mind the foam but can find the smell of some a bit overwhelming.

Our DS is currently using this one from Wylder Naturals abd it's clearing up his skin.

I'm autistic. I'll describe some of what got me to adopt better hygiene in my teens, though I can't promise that would work for you.

• shower. I did when I adopted a sport, because it was part of the ritual: run, shower, every day. "make it part of a ritual" (always the same routine) can be good. Facilitate a healthy routine (always the same bedtime, the same rise up time, etc)
• strangely although I showered the same every day, I didn't pay a lot of attention to things that bothered most people, e.g. muddy if I've been out, stain on my shirt... Frank statements (there's a stain on your shirt, go take that off now) work, but shaming doesn't, an autistic teenager lives with enough humiliation as it is.
• Dental hygiene. I lived in peculiar conditions in my teens (poverty / bad housing), my parents were struggling watch us. What got me to change - (1)seeing some of my cousins being very careful about it, even if sleepy etc; maybe nowadays youtube can give him an example (there must be a "this is the right way to brush" video?); (2)proper toothache! If his dental visit have always been very gentle... maybe something that makes him realise that it's no joke. (3)A biology teacher telling me, in essence, that microbes pee on your teeth.

Thankfully I've grown up... a bit... Hopefully you'll find ideas to reuse from this.

My DD was completely overwhelmed at 13/14 and went through a horrible stinking dirty phase. The more we attempted to intervene the worse it got. In the end we backed off completely and left her to it. She became spotty and greasy all over, wore clothes 3-4 sizes too big, often slept in her clothes and stank. The most I did was go in and open the window as everything else resulted in shame/anger/skyhigh anxiety. She had a sensory aversion to deodorant. I continued to clean her room and clothes and bedding whenever I got the chance often commenting about things being “lovely and clean now” but nothing negative. Eventually she got distressed by the sensory hell of dirt and spots and needed a bit of help to get clean, starting with wet wipes and dry shampoo and ending up with regular showers and hair washes. Now she’s 17 & won’t leave the house without perfect hair and full make up and is very clean and smells lovely. She has VERY VERY long showers (no middle ground here!) It’s so hard being a teenager and 100x harder being an autistic teenager.

@mumsthewurd that's what happened to my dd. Went from one extreme to the other (she swapped soap and water phobia for germ phobia). But still better being obsessively clean than refusing to wash.
@Heebeebee With my dd, any change has to come from her and any interference will just make it worse. Listening to your ds preferences and offering loads of alternative products is probably all you can do and hopefully he'll just decide one day that he wants to become obsessed with Lynx 😂 Or hiding it within an activity/routine he'd like. With my dd, when she was younger, we did a lot of watersports and swimming on the weekends.