Showering and persuading to do it!

[MargaretThursday]

Ds is 17yo, with asd and ADHD.

He's never been particularly keen on keeping clean, but he's got to a point he smells of stale sweat all the time.

He says that he will shower if I don't nag. To him, asking once is nagging. If I don't ask him to shower then he literally never will - I tried it.

He decided that Mondays were his shower night last term. That means that if he remembers and isn't too tired, then he might have a shower on Monday. If he forgets, then he says he can't have a shower because it's not Monday.
He often still smells sweaty as he comes out of the shower.
He doesn't like feeling clean, and he doesn't like fresh clothes, so he's capable of putting his old clothes back on too.

Thing is that I suspect that even when he does have a "shower", he doesn't actually let the water do more than touch vaguely, and definitely no soap is involved. In fact, even if he switches the shower on, I'm not convinced he gets under the water.

He was involved in an event that meant close contact a few weeks ago and one of them spoke to him about it. He then had a really good shower with lots of soap and continued having them during the event and the smell went, and I said to him that was great and if he had a quick shower every day then he woulnd't need to do the big, lots of soap one again.
We're now back to the point I can smell where he has walked it's that bad.

I've talked about it effecting what he does, that people won't want to do things with him etc. He says only me (and the one other person at the event) have ever noticed, and won't accept that most people are too polite to say.

Any suggestions to encourage him to shower?
And, no, deodorant isn't enough. He puts it on sometimes to try and pretend he's showered, but you can still smell it underneath.

If you have a bath, would DS take a bath if you ran it? Some people can find showers painful from a sensory point of view.

Would he have a strip wash/use wipes?

Would DS go swimming or to the gym and have a shower there? Some find that routine works.

Thanks:

He definitely prefers a shower to a bath, so nothing doing there. He was worse (but younger, so less smelly!) when we didn't have a shower.

He is a member of a gym and the agreement is if he's been to the gym he has to have a shower. Unfortunately the gym doesn't have showers, and he likes to go during the school day (he goes with friends) so because he's not going in immediately afterwards that hasn't worked as a routine. That was one of the things I tried.

He needs more than a strip wash, because he doesn't do it properly, I think, and at 17yo he's a bit old to supervise. That was my last suggestion I tried: shower every other day and strip wash the rest of the time.
I might try getting him some wipes and see if that makes any change.

Where's his DF in all of this? I think he needs his Dad to step up and give him a talk about keeping clean, showering and shaving.

If he's supposed to have a shower on a Monday, could you put fresh bedding on each Monday abs wash his clothes?

The main things that has persuaded mine to have ok routines though is wanting to be with the opposite sex!

@TinyMouseTheatre
We've both talked to him, and if anything he listens more to me than dh. Dh is a bit more inclined to not notice as well; he does not have a strong sense of smell!

If he only had a shower on Monday, and he didn't smell, then I would accept it happily.
But we have the issue with it that he's not really showering effectively, so he's often smelling no better when he comes out. In fact I'm not sure he does more than stand under the water for a few seconds, at times I'm not sure he does anything other than switches the shower on.
He doesn't look dirty, just the smell.
Also as it became a "rule" in his head, this means if he forgets on Monday, then he expects not to have a shower until the following Monday. He's also inclined not to change clothes (he has always hated the feel of clean clothes) during the week.
Reminding = nagging to him, which he then uses as an excuse not to do it as "I'm not doing it because you're nagging me".

I put this in SEN group because I think it is his autism and sensory issues that are the problem. He genuinely does not like the feeling of being clean/clear clothes. But he's also built this rule up in his head of only doing it on Monday, which was never anything said by anyone else, but it's established there now and very difficult to get through.

He doesn't also understand how it will effect how people see him. He thinks it makes no difference, because it wouldn't to him. I can see how it does though.

He can do it when there is the right incentive though, because he did the event a couple of weeks ago when someone did speak to him and he did really make an effort for the week. He had a really good shower with soap and cleared the smell totally. Then had a quicker shower every day or every other day and that was enough.

I spoke to him at the end and said that now he'd got a good routine going, all he needed to do was keep it going and it would be fine; but he's immediately gone back to not doing it.

I can't actually work out where the worst smell is coming from; I sniffed round him, and it seemed to be general rather than a specific place which doesn't help, but it really lingers wherever he goes now.

We're trying switching the internet off 2 hours before bed time. If he's had a good shower and de-smelled himself then we'll give him another hour.

It’s really tricky and for many people, it’s often not the actual showering itself but the transition from being dry to wet, wet to dry.

Is your bathroom warm enough so that he doesn’t notice being cold when he gets out? Does he have a nice soft bath mat and soft towels that aren’t too rough? Does he choose his own shower products so he feels like he’s taking control?

If he trusts you more than DH, i would pop on a swimming costume and plan a good time so he knows when it’s scheduled for, then you get in the shower and show him how to wash and dry himself thoroughly (if he’ll accept your help).
Buy a sand timer for say 5 mins or 10 mins if he needs longer so he has a challenge to shower in a set time.

Whilst showering, explain to him how it makes you feel….
’so I know it’s always a bit chilly getting in but now I’m in, and the water is lovely and warm, I feel really relaxed. I love washing my hair and giving my scalp a nice massage. I’m making sure I wash all the bits of my body before the sand timer runs out’.

Show him how you take your clean towel to get yourself dry and dry off your hair etc. Do it without too much verbal input - just the basics so he doesn’t get overwhelmed.

If that doesn’t work, explain he could use baby wipes but they’ll feel colder compared to showering.
Clothes-wise, could he choose his clean clothes every day before he goes to sleep? Maybe double up on fabric conditioner for his stuff so they don’t feel like fresh on and are softer.

It is really tricky and we went through similar times when DS was younger but the difference was he didn’t smell barely at all and so that made it really hard because his answer was “well I don’t smell!” 😩

Now, DS showers about 3 times a week and wears a clean T-shirt and boxers every day. He wears the same pair of joggers or jeans in between showers.

Does your DS do his teeth ok without asking him?

@Verbena17 Thank you. I dread to think about his teeth, although the dentist thinks he's brushing okay - could be better, but okay. So I think he's doing them at least. Possibly helped by one of his big sisters has dental phobia which has included a couple of bouts of toothache, which may have encouraged him.

We seem to currently have reached an agreement. I'm not sure that it will last into school time, but it's working at the moment.
On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, his internet stops at 9pm. He then has a shower. If he goes without fuss and has a good shower, then he can have another hour on the internet.

If he's played sport or gone to the gym then that is an extra shower, but if he comes down on one of the above days, and had a shower the day before then we'll discuss it depending on how he smells (!). We agreed on Monday (we got back very late) that he could avoid having a shower as long as he definitely went on Tuesday, which he did without prompting.

I'm going to get him some wipes so he can wipe down on the days between.

I think your plan is the best you can get at the moment.
Hopefully as your DS cements the routine, he’ll continue on with it.

DS was the same in that if he missed his scheduled day for some reason, he’d be like “can’t do another day now, it’s not one of my three days”. It’s so hard getting them to keep a balance. It seems often to be all or nothing.

Thank you. That's reassuring.