Respite and ds being upset

[Lesley25]

Hi
my ds is largely nonverbal but since we’ve started respite during the school week one night a week, it’s been very difficult with him being upset about going to school. Ds can say a few words but has such huge anxiety about respite despite being fine there and all photos look happy, (he may have the odd blip with aggressive behaviour), but 90% of the time no issue.

it’s just at home during the school week bedtime routines all out, he wants me to say no respite constantly and seems to have huge anxiety about each following day, even if it’s a weekend and respites never been a weekend.

It’s making home life tough for all of us, any tips? I genuinely feel like he feels a rejection from us because he goes to respite one night a week because I can’t explain it.

it’s ramped up a lot more since it’s increased to 2 consecutive nights on 2 weeks a month so I fully expected this change to hit hard, but it’s now November and it’s every night a battle. Bedtime starts at 7:45 and doesn’t end till 10pm. He lashes out at bedtime so where I used to have that time stroking his hair , I now dodge him lashing out and say “mummy will leave” and I leave. But I find that hard . There are not many touch points I have with my son to show affection.

anyway, if anyone has any helpful advice or experienced this, let me know what has worked for you.

How long has DS being going to respite? The increase to 2 nights is still really new in the scheme of things.

If the provider has capacity, do you think weekend nights would work better?

Does DS go to respite straight from school then back to school the following morning without seeing you? If so, and you don’t think it would confuse DS, would a video call (if DS can cope with them) work or even a visit in person to begin with?

If the provider is the right provider, I think it will be a matter of time, unfortunately.

When DS1 started going to respite overnight, it took a long time (we are talking years) before he really understood I wasn’t abandoning him and would be back. Even now, I’m not sure he totally trusts we will come back. We had to stop using an old provider because they couldn’t continue to meet DS’s needs. There was a gap before starting the new provider. DS1 first met the new provider at the beginning of this year and he didn’t stay overnight alone without me or DH until August, so we have built the relationship gradually and he still cries when we leave him. I am expecting he will for a while yet. I have to remind myself it is for the greater good.

It’s the right provider , and it’s taken us years too, even for the 1 night initially.

it’s always during the school week and when we started 5 years ago we had to do the gradual building up, 10 visits, we didn’t leave for longer then an hour then after 6 months of this we did our first overnight. It’s always back to school the next day.

I have never explored the idea of a video call , mainly because I’ve always tried to make going to school and then respite very separate as if school are to blame -not me. I’ve learnt through the transitions when we started with respite that showing him he was going with pecs and verbally ant home with me only embedded the idea of rejection from us. My thinking by removing this element from home, was this was part of the school day and going with peers also emphasised that.

i do think it’s just we have to get used to this new 2 nights one week, and one day other weeks. We cannot change that.
I think you’re right, it’s just time.

It is really hard when something that will help in the long-term causes an increase in difficulties shorter term.