EBSA - 14 year old DD might not return to school, need advice, not coping.

[Icantpeopleanymore]

I'm dealing with DD, autistic and probably PDA, not being able to attend school. She's in year 10. Always had some days of refusal but unusually just needed a day at home once a fortnight and then would recharge enough to go back. It's been over a month now, as soon as school started in September.

Can't figure out why, she shuts down as soon as school is mentioned. In my gut I just think she's not coping and thinks she's either drifted from her friends who supported her or has worn them out, so can't go back as it's just too much for her.

She was in a horrible place with her mental health but now is so much better since I've had a few days at home with her. She is self harming though, which is something she stopped months ago.

In contact with school, getting some support, but I just don't know how long it'll be before they start to push me about getting her in. I've consulted loads of professionals and services, GP etc. all making suggestions but none of it works with her PDA traits.

I'm a teacher too...I work 4 days, head of department, love my job, but I'm increasingly not coping.

I've managed so far with leaving her at home alone (which she likes but I hate as I worry) at her dads when he works from home, which she hates, taking her to my mum's or my mum coming to the house to check on her. My mum is great with her but she masks in all those places so it's not ideal long term as it'll just cause the same problems.

I'm thinking if this continues I'm going to have to hand my notice in, but it's 2 terms notice and even if I could manage on universal credit, I could be trying to get back into work when she's 16 and her DLA finishes, which no luck because I'm 47 and really expensive to employ.
I just don't know what to do. I've asked for alternative education under section 19, I'm going to put in a request for an EHCP, but I don't doubt that could take years...I can't see any options currently.

I e had a week of half term and I've barely done anything except look for answer online and drink too much in the evenings.

I just need someone to tell me what to do 😭

Rather than handing in your notice, have you considered parental leave? It is unpaid, but it would give you some breathing space.

This would give you time to pursue (and enforce if necessary) s19 provision and make sure the LA sticks to the statutory EHCP timescales.

Possibly. I think it would be very difficult, I teach art at secondary so they'd have to find someone to cover my hod role and my classes...isn't a cover teacher kind of subject, it's all specialist teaching. I could survive on universal credit and child maintenance for a few months. I think it would really affect my mental health being at home all day but then my stress levels at school are just insane too. My head is very supportive so he probably would try to help if possible.

Parental leave wouldn’t mean you have to stay at home all day.

I really feel for you, it's tough. I've just stepped down from my senior role and work a part time admin role. My teenage daughter with autism and pda just can't manage school. There is no support but I was so burnt out I didn't feel I had a choice.

No, but she won't engage with much at all so really I'd be led by her. We have a great time together if we are doing whatever she wants but if I try to put any support in place she just refuses.
I've looked at parental leave and it's only 4 weeks in a year. So wouldn't cover what I need, I could be looking at needing to be with her until GCSEs.

I was thinking more along the lines of parental leave giving you breathing space to pursue section 19 provision (The LA cannot compel you to deliver/facilitate section 19 provision) and request an EHCNA. Not that it would allow you to remain off work for over a year. Although it can be more than 4 weeks in a year if the employer agrees.

It's so hard. Her dad sees her twice a week currently but it isn't going to last, he's moving to another county next summer, to move in with his girlfriend and her kids. He's only going to see the children twice a month, so I'll have no support at all. I really love my job, but I just can't see it working if she's off school long term.

Ahh got you. Sorry. Yes possibly. However, when and if they do, I'll have to be home with her wouldn't I? That's the issue.

You cannot be compelled to facilitate or deliver section 19 provision.

Financially can you afford to give up your job? If the answer to that is no then you should not resign. You are also right to think about the future. Getting back into post at your current salary will not be easy two or three years down the line.

I can, because of universal credit and child maintenance, plus I work delivering workshops a few times a year which I get paid well for, not guaranteed though.
However this relies on her DLA, after she's 16 I'd have to apply for pip and I don't know if she'd get it. She's mobile, to an extent, and can prepare food etc. she relies on me heavily if out places and wouldn't go anywhere alone but they don't take that into consideration.

I'd be ok until April 2027 but that's it. Plus I'd then be selling the marital home and would get equity, but it wouldn't buy me anything without a mortgage. Which if course I'd need a job for.

So short term ok, but my future and my son's would be fucked.

She can't see that of course, I wouldn't use it as a threat anyway but it just wouldn't make any difference, she just doesn't see the effect on the rest of us.

After 16 the pip is hers not yours. You would not be able to use it to offset the change in circumstances. You may also not get child benefit if she isn't in education.

I really would not leave yourself vulnerable. Once you are at home the problem of care and support will fall to you. She will understand she does not have to do anything she does not want or feel able to do because you are there to facilitate this. The council and school likewise will not feel the need to step up because you are there at home and so on. She will not get what you are giving up but you do. I also don't see why you wouldn't explain to her that staying in work is what you need to do and why.

If you are stressed out then I would take a bit of time off to really consider this and all the implications for your dd but also for you. You matter too.

she relies on me heavily if out places and wouldn't go anywhere alone but they don't take that into consideration.

They do. The planning and following a journey activity looks at this.

The care activities also look at things like engaging with others face to face and communicating.

If DD needs prompting or reassurance for things like preparing a meal, that can also score points.

Whilst PIP would be DD’s money, it would be acceptable to use it to contribute towards some of the costs you are now covering. And if you were receiving UC with DD on your claim, the disabled child element/severely disabled child element would be your money.

I know the pip would be hers, but if she got that then I would still get UC till she's 19. She would have to be in some education until she's 18 anyway I think?

Currently I put a chunk of her DLA into a child ISA for her when she's 18 as she's going to need it. The rest goes towards the constant washing as she's incontinent, things she needs, therapy which I can't get her to go to mostly anyway, things she breaks or loses..🤯

I'd love to take some time off but it's just so difficult, I've got responsibilities towards my year 11 and 13s who are handing in coursework soon. Setting cover isn't an option, not really.

DC have to stay in education or training until 18. That doesn’t always equate to remaining a qualifying young person for UC purposes.

Be careful saving DD’s DLA in her name. If she needs means-tested benefits when she is older and/or social care support (both of which sound possibilities) savings will be taken into account. Or if she needs legal aid in her own right. You also don’t know if DD will spend it wisely.

@EndlessLight thanks, yes, I've no idea what that might look like for her.

She has a child trust fund, there's about £4000 in it at the moment and I'm not putting a great deal in there, I doubt it'll amount to much but yes, I can only imagine what she might spend it on 🤦 I'm hoping it'll be enough for her to have something in savings to fall back on but obviously it it were over 16K them she couldn't get benefits, I very much doubt it will be though.