How to broach possible ASD with 17yo

[HerbertVonDoodlebug]

So it has been increasingly clear to me and DH that our 17yo may have some kind of ASD - he has always been very individual / not quite like other kids but since being in sixth form the traits have stood out more and more. Not looking to get an internet diagnosis on this thread but I don’t think anyone who knows him would be surprised by a diagnosis at this point.

He is very bright (though has struggled to self motivate / get organised in his sixth form studies), articulate and has a good level of self awareness in other ways. But possible ASD is not something we’ve discussed with him up to this point. He appears to have rock solid self esteem, is content to do his own thing and in being himself.

We love him of course and wouldn’t change a thing about him but wonder if we are doing him a disservice not to investigate this as he heads into adult life. I just don’t even know how to start this conversation without making him feel we think there’s something wrong with him? Has anyone been through similar and how did you approach it?

I notice the threads in this section aren't very long so instead of startng a new one I thought I'd just join yours.

I think it's very much down to the temperament of the child. If he's got rock solid self-esteem that's very encouraging.

There is no one autism - if you've got a stable, self-sufficient kind in him, then that'll stop you harming him unintentionally with clumsy approach.

Other side of that profile is he'll just brush it off and not use it to make the calibrations you'd want him to make, using it as a tool.

Other factors include the approach of the parents. My DH and I both have awful autistic siblings and until our beloved son was dx we were like autism = awful person. So we had horrendous internalised ablism. My DH was also much more reluctant to bite the bullet than me so we weren't in sync.

My 15-yo son is a wonderful kid and quite stable but with low self-esteem I believe, and very lonely. He wants to be 'normal' after being homeschooled for a year. Reluctant to engage with his difference - whether you call it autism or whatever else - and find pride in that. Analogies with being in the closet, a self-hating brown person, all of that.

how much of that is our fault I don't know, but I live every day with the regret of being so clumsy.

I'm sure others will have much better answers but that's my immmediate reaction.

Thanks @almondmilk123 for your thoughtful response. Similarly, DH has historically been a bit dubious about diagnoses but is now much more convinced that something is going on with DS.

I do feel the most likely response is that DS doesn’t give a hoot and will just carry on in his own sweet way. But it feels like a risk to rock the boat especially this close to his A Levels (he’s in Y13) and realistically unlikely to get any extra support, even if he did want and manage to get a diagnosis within the next few months. So I’m wondering whether to pick up after his exams are done next year.