cannot live with son

[sosaad]

I live alone with my youngest son (23). He has complex mental health issues, including an eating disorder, and he is almost certainly neurodiverse (has to self refer - still waiting for him to sit down with me to do this).

My son's older brother lives in supported living (after three years in residential care) and his father is in a care home. Both other family members are diagnosed with autism and serious mental health issues.

I work from home to support my family, and have very few social outlets. I have one full time job and two part time roles, so a lot of time is spent working. This has been OK until quite recently.

However, now I really think it is time my son was helped to find some sort of supported accommodation. I love him dearly, but I cannot live with him and I do not think I am helping him.

He steals from me on a regular basis (usually to by food - he is bulimic). He does so in subtle ways through copying my card onto his phone or making purchases on my online accounts. As a result, I struggle financially and I am constantly stressed about money

He controls the environment at home and becomes very distressed if anything is changed or moved. I realise thee control of the environment is related to his needs, but it is not really the way I want to live. I need more freedom to just spread out a bit in my own home.

He is probably not well enough to work, but he will not claim benefits and is not entitled to PIP (we tried claiming but gained 2 points).

He has a social worker and a very outdated EHCP (I feel the EHCP is irrelevant here).

I am writing this after I have discovered he has used my card (copied onto his phone) to purchase nearly £100 of food when I was at church.

I am just hovering about asking for a meeting with his social worker with a view to finding him somewhere safe to go.

Definitely request a review by the SW.

The EHCP isn’t irrelevant. You should request an early review of that too.

If DS lacks capacity to manage a claim himself, and that is what it sounds like, then you can request to become his appointee and claim UC on his behalf. You don’t need him to. Reapply for PIP as appointee too and appeal if refused. If you are thinking of supported living, DS certainly meets the criteria for more than 2 points.

Thank you for the reply. The issue of mental capacity has arisen once or twice before. Most recently, I instigated a safeguarding inquiry earlier this year, on the grounds of 'self neglect'. He was eating food out of the dustbin and he had smashed the television screen with his fist. (no cuts or injuries). He smashed the screen because he was checking his body in the reflection and he was frustrated by what he saw. The two formal online meetings resulted in the decision that he had mental capacity and was making unwise decisions.

I am not really sure how much capacity he has. He has 'decided' not to claim for any benefits because claiming benefits takes control from him. There are conditions to gaining UC or ESA, and these may involve looking for work, or attending courses or putting things in place related to working towards employment. My own opinion is that this is precisely why he should claim benefits. Of course, in practical terms, perhaps he knows that if I do not pay for his things, he can always steal from me.

Yet, he is not an idle and criminal young man just lolling at home exploiting his mother. He is trapped in exercise routines and cleaning rituals, and locked into an unhealthy relationship with food and body image. He also has no friends and no family he will see (he never visits his brother or his father). His MH is really poor. I am in my early sixties and fear that if this situation continues (and we both survive), I will just continue working and supporting us until I cannot work any more. Then perhaps he will morph into being my 'carer' which would be disastrous because he cannot even care for himself, and his need for control is so strong that he may find the unpredictability of a frail old woman was only manageable by making her a virtual prisoner in her own home. I do not want that, and I want my son to have some sort of life.

My own role, apart from working and seeing my husband and older son, involves messaging the MH services that are supposed to be supporting him, and prompting him to contact the social worker, who may be able to help us.

This is why I see a possible solution to our situation being one in which my son is encouraged to live in supported accommodation, close to our home, where there will be support workers on hand (this is a provision of supported accommodation) who will be able to help him start his life.

I just wonder if his social worker will take me seriously if I contact her. I do not want to mention the theft of money because that may complicate matters, but would the fact that I feel we cannot live like this, and he needs support to move somewhere safe be sufficient reason for transition to supported accommodation to be considered?

Capacity is decision specific. DS could have the capacity to eat out of bins, but not to claim UC/PIP. I would still request to become appointee via DWP.

If you successfully claim PIP, there will not be any demands, such as looking for work or courses, etc. With UC, if you get a fit note saying DS is unfit for work, there will be a work capability assessment, very few of F2F so don’t worry about that, phone appointments etc. can be done by you if you are appointee. From what you have posted, DS should then be placed in the LCWRA group, which means there will not be any demands, such as looking for work or courses.

You will have to be forceful with the social worker, but supported living is possible.

Is it his DF that in a Nursing Home? Sorry, I wasn't sure from your post.

Do you have locks on your Bedroom door too? It must be so hard, especially with the theft.

How would you feel about telling the SW that she had one month to find him something if he's out? You'd have to explain the DS though that you're just doing this to get them to listen.

Hello,

Yes, his DF is in a care home. I have contacted the social worker, but the response is so slow.

I've not got experience of getting a DC into sheltered accommodation but I have got experience of getting a DOIl into a care home. I rang the SW every single day until it happened asking what the plan was and what they'd done. It's a very overwhelmed system and unfortunately, those who make a nuisance of themselves are usually dealt with soonest.