Hello,
(quick warning: this questions could have belonged to abuse, divorce/separation, or many other threads... anyway)
I am in a tangle of troubles, and trying to work through them. Short description: I am autistic, so are my two DDs (25 and 22), separated / in process of divorcing from their DM whose meantal health issues have affected our DDs for years. I'm their carer, live in what was the family home. That home is full of books, photos, memories, broken items... (a friend describes it as steptoe and son). It needs maintenance.
All this leaves me feeling like a tightrope-walker - going forward between any of a dozen problems that could explode and throw us all off-balance.
More detail below, but the question is: How would you begin to move out of the squalid, risky, depressing environment that all this makes? What to prioritise?
The detail... Let's describe the recent months.
Late May, my EW announced she was going on a long holiday, and left us her recently adopted cat. In exchange, she would take care of our DDs' own cat as we left in August. But life locally was too depressing, our DDs not loving enough. Some things appeared good: DD1 was getting some sleep, DD2 progressing with uni catch-up work, I began on a garden project.
The cat moves in and starts leaving turds everywhere except in its litter. My DDs don't put their clothes away; what they use most is left in open baskets. Guess where the cat went.
I manage the day-to-day as best I can: shopping, cooking etc., but some things are left undone. There's not enough cleaning and... It triggers DD1's asthma. Luckily this year isn't warm: previous summers warm weather was a boon for cat fleas.
In an attempt to not leave clothes in open baskets, I come in my DD2's bedroom with dry clothes. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, what have I done?" she tells me. Between earlier trauma and her agressive reactions, it is rare that I enter her world without some work or imposition of some sort. It takes some pleading before she agrees that clothes have to be shut away, though she's not hot on the suggestion of looking in the drawers overflowing with garments that are too small, full of holes or that she's never even tried.
My neighbours are maddened by the overgrown garden and I want to do something to keep the peace. So I hack back a hedge and a very unruly elder tree. There's no green bin collection though, and I changed car to a smaller one to cut costs; so I cut and chip some of it as mulch, some as a woodpile for -hopefully- future barbecues, and leave a still large pile to dry, time is limited.
It's Monday. DD1 has a placement, but she hasn't slept. She's pacing madly, trying to collect her thoughts and what she needs. I dare not offer a lift but at the last minute she decides to ask. Luckily I teach in a university; in May, marking and research mean that I can choose my hours, I will catch up at night. I return to find out that DD2 hasn't read e-mail, and doesn't know her deadlines, so help her work out what she has to do. She decides to focus on a smaller piece of work which should take hours... She will stare at it for weeks. I try to work on my own work; it leads me late, and dinner will be at 10pm.
DD1 placement is two days a week. She then writes college work, has therapy online (coping with more trauma), exchanges online with other young people on bad experiences. She cooks sometimes and has DD2's trust when I don't know how to speak to her. It's a lot of work... She's cinderella. DD2 appears to suffer less until a challenge - like walking into her bedroom, or light being off at night, or her mother talking about suicide again - sends her panicking. In a university test, she missed a test, went into meltdown, and I had to talk her out of rolling on the floor.
In the times somehow left free in this mad routine and trying to keep my job, I try to keep up with a minimum of cleanliness, but also prepare the house for better days. Move some of my EW's hoarded things that pepper every room. There are good moments: I dug a pond (will I maintain it though), went walking with DDs and a friend, walked along a river with a friend measuring pollution - which doubles up as progress for university research. I am blessed that a new relationship has entered my life, a sensible, clever, kind woman who understandably, won't touch all this with a barge pole, but has good ideas.
Fast forward to end July and a planned long break with my parents: this is long enough. DD2 has done enough uni work that she can repeat the rest; study may not work out but it is doing a lot for her development. DD1 is in a health crisis: mould spores in her bedroom are triggering so much asthma that she can't breathe. Or sleep. I decide, in a hurry, to swap bedrooms with her.
I write this as this rest away ends soon. I've caught up with some university work. My EW hasn't really held up her part of the bargain - my DDs' cat has had the occasional visit but will probably have littered the house. I'm returning to a lot of work.
Back to questions: priority number 1 is give away the b** cat, but after that... DDs' health, mental health, maintain job, organise to empty stuff that isn't mine (and pressure EW to take it or lose it), move things to complete bedroom swap, keep peace with neighbours... Where do I begin? What's most likely to blow up in my face first? How do I carve a space to breathe, to live so we get out of this madness? WWYD?