Dd14 threw a laptop at me last night... how to deal with today?

[LittleOwl153]

Dd14 -y10, is diagnosed dyslexic, dyspraxic, and has significant traits of adhd and asd although no diagnoses currently.

Last night, because I refused to allow her to sit on her screen all night - she launched the laptop at me. It hit me in the jaw & shoulder. It still hurts now.

After the incident she cried, said she was sorry etc, but seems to have no real sense of responsibility for it. I don't think she meant to hit me, 'I was just in the way'. It's frustration, overload lots of other things I'm sure. I went to bed shortly afterwards, having told her I just couldn't deal with her then (her dad was around she wasn't on her own). Her dad saw the incident. He says its like a mist comes over her, she releases anger then it passes. Afterwards she expects everyone to act as though that time period never happened.

But where do I go from here?

is this first sign of physical aggression

does she have siblings

i am guessing that school is.. difficult

Is DD receiving any support with emotional regulation?

No not the first sign of physical stuff. She has lashed out with her hands many times. Usually instantly regrets it.
I don't think she actually meant to throw it at me - just threw it kind of indendpant of result - she was only 6ft away...

Younger brother. Never been physical with him but she is spiteful at times.

School say she's perfectly behaved. She isn't getting anywhere close to her predicted grades though.

Little support from school were about to get our 4th sendco in 4 years in secondary.... some subject teachers have been great... but don't have the skills...

I'm far from an expert but my first thoughts on this are:
Is she addicted to a game/ social media? And
Is her anger possibly hormone related? My DD was sometimes horribly angry and reactive (and anxious and moody) at about ten days before her period then again at two days before.

As for what you should do... discuss when you're both calm what the consequences should be, because while she didn't intend to hurt you, she still did and that's not okay.
Also discuss what she should do if she feels that way again.
And yes, I am talking from experience though my DD (autistic and dyspraxic) is 17 now and incidents are few and far between thankfully.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. The school should be providing more support. Also request an EHCNA - on their website IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Some find a punch bag helps.

Some find PDA strategies helpful. Others find Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child useful.

Would DD be open to trying therapy? Has she had SALT and OT assessments?

I second looking at hormones.

Gaming isn't an issue. And she doesn't really have social media - no insta, fb, Snapchat etc. She watches YouTube alot but mainly music videos or unboxing of clothes or makeup type stuff. Nothing she interacts with. So not worried about that.

Hormones are definately part of the equation. Although I'm not sure part of this incident based on timing.

I've looked at counselling but there is nowhere local/recommended. GP put her on the CAMHS list but basically said she won't get an appointment. She's had some school wellbeing but because she behaves in school they don't know what they can do...

She's had OT & physio. No SALT ... what would she get from that? It's never been suggested.

@QuickFetchTheCoffee what would you suggest as consequences. I haven't found anything that actually works!

She lost the laptop but it can't be indefinite as she uses it at school.

Thinking about it, "natural" consequences seem to work best for my DD. For example if she trashed her room it would be obvious that the consequence would be to have to tidy it herself (possibly with some direction or assistance so it isn't overwhelming, but no just doing the whole lot yourself).
If your DD is similar then the natural consequences (possibly slightly exaggerated!) of her hurting you would be that you are less able to do your usual chores, or perhaps that you are feeling low, and she should either help you/do some of your chores or maybe do something for you that will make you feel better. The point is that there are consequences, they will make her think twice about doing it again and repair your bond with her, it doesn't always need to be about the money or damages side of it.
I think you're right withholding the laptop too btw, at least for a while. Does she have something else to do instead?

SALT and OT can both help with emotional regulation. Sounds like DD needs a SALT assessment and more OT.

Normal consequences are unlikely to work if DD’s response was because of difficulties with emotional regulation and overwhelm. Natural consequences as well as looking at ways to support emotional regulation and prevent escalation in the first place are usually far more productive.

There’s an organisation called CAPA first response, i was in the same situation with my nd son a year ago and they were amazing, like completely transformed our home life. You can self refer in. In my experience, schools, CAMHS, GP and domestic violence services tend to give very poor advice.
there’s a bit of a waiting list but they have a podcast and stuff on their website while you wait. I can’t recommend them enough

being pragmatic (I know this advice seems risky in terms of suddenly having no boundaries, I found it hard to take but it has saved us)
-the best first response to this is safeguarding (if you can see something like this on the horizon it’s better to back off and let her just stay on the computer rather than escalate things until she ends up flipping out)
-work on your connection , do what you can to make sure she has the opportunity to connect with you. My son became incredibly withdrawn but a couple of times of the day he would chat to me usually, and I really tried to be there for him and have a laugh.
-work towards having calm conversations without blame or punishment about why she got so upset and how things could be done differently at home.
-natural consequence could be if she has broken the laptop it’s out of commission for a while while it’s fixed/she contributes. Small consequences will go a very long way so you may not need to be very heavy handed. Big consequences run the risk of further damaging the connection between you.

It’s really hard. I was really pro ‘authoritative parenting’ and I’ve had to completely change my parenting mindset, I wouldn’t have been able to do alone, I needed the input from CAPA , but this is not going to be resolved through punishment or anything the child may consider shaming, it has to be done through connection and communication so she can learn emotional regulation and if you’re anything like me, you may find that you were unwittingly putting unnecessary pressure on her at a time when she’s already passed her ability to cope with things

I’ve ended up going on to learning quite a bit about low demand parenting and found it’s given us such a better way of handling things