Autistic DS struggling so much at work

[MargoLivebetter]

I just need to vent and ask for advice. Last year I was in despair because DS couldn't find a job and now he has one and is really struggling.

DS is 24 and has autism (diagnosed at 7) and a list as long as your arm of learning impairments or difficulties or whatever the words are being used nowadays for these things. He also has a very high IQ and does an approximation of masking. It is a thin veneer.

He struggles so badly with his interactions with work colleagues. He telephoned me in tears today. He so desperately wants to fit in and tries to do banter and be in with people. He massively overshares information about himself and massively judges interactions badly. He tells me about his day in great detail every day and I am dying inside for him, wondering what the people he works with must think of him. I know I would think he was soooooo rude and blunt if I didn't know him. At the same time, he has a huge heart and people take ruthless advantage of him. He has got into all sorts of financial problems lending people he barely knows money (large sums too), giving them all his bloody lunch, taking them out for an expensive meal or driving them virtually to the other end of the country, simply because they ask him. Just a few examples.

He is hugely resistant to my words of wisdom, because he is of course an expert on everything. It is one of his most trying qualities that has been a problem for him since his first day of school. He absolutely refuses to tell people that he is autistic, which I think is a mistake, but he gets so incredibly upset if I suggest it might actually make life easier. He says he can't bear to tell people that he is mentally impaired, which makes my heart break into tiny pieces (inside me of course, I don't let him know that).

What can I do to help him? He had to leave work at lunchtime today because he just couldn't cope with the banter. However, he has instigated it and then simply can't handle it or else gives it back in such a way that it is borderline offensive and horrible.

Sorry no solutions but just had to reply.
Like you my son is highly educated but unfortunately could not find a job. Eventually he did. The workforce was young and he related well to them but his role is a customer facing one and this is where he seems to struggle.

He has no diagnosis but it has been suggested by one GP he would benefit from further testing for autism. I agree with you that if your son was open about it he may find life a lot easier I don’t think it could be any worse for him going on how things are currently. Could he get some input from the mental health team. I know the waiting lists are long but in the long run it could help. I know how awful it feels to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to help.

Thank you @fatherfurlong. There's no mental health support to speak of available for him. He isn't suicidal or at risk of harming others, so unless he wants anti-depressants, that's about it!

We've had a chat this evening and by asking cunning questions so that he feels like the expert, I have been able to get him to acknowledge that maybe 'banter' isn't the way forward. However experience tells me that I'll need to have this conversation with him another 5 or 6 times before he actually gets it. It's so tiring.

Does he have any adjustments at work due to his autism? DS has asked for a quiet space to use for breaks and lunch, would that work for yours if he got overwhelmed by the social aspect, or to just escape to for a while? Or could he go off site for lunch perhaps?

My advice would be to be quite blunt with him. Every now and then I have to be a little harsh with DS because he too has that 'thinks he knows best' thing - for his own good in the long run. So I would have been very firm and clear about the giving away money situation - explain what is and is not appropriate with exact amounts, and if in doubt do not give any money out. Giving away his lunch I would come down on - as that leaves him with none! Does he struggle with saying no? that would be my guess and something maybe to work on (I appreciate that might not be easy at his age though!) But telling him it's ok to say no and good friends respect that might help maybe.

I feel your pain! But try to look on the positive side, he has found himself a job after you were despairing for so long. Now he just needs some help/support with the social side and after drumming things in for a while hopefully that will become easier for him too. Does the like the job? Is it what he wants to do?

Thank you @Sue152. DS categorically refuses to tell any employer he is autistic. So, no there are no adjustments.

I go through stuff with him and you'd think the actual pain of being in debt from loaning money would make him realise it's a dumb thing to do. However, it seems I have to explain these things over and over and he has to have so many miserable experiences before the message finally sinks in. He really has to learn the hardest way possible.

If I'm too straightforward in my delivery he gets so defensive and shuts down completely. I can literally see his ears closing. Any words thereafter are a waste of my vocal cords because he has completely switched off.

It's just so tiring. I wish I could open his head and put sensible guidance in there.

Same position here with DD18- sadly 3rd position lost so far due, she cannot ever see that she is in the wrong blames autism - rightly or wrongly - 'I couldnt help it!!' I'm at wits end and also dying inside!

My sympathy @duvet It is so difficult.

If it is of any encouragement, since originally posting , things have improved a bit with DS. I managed to catch him in a receptive moment and have a long chat with him. He's starting to get his finances back on track, which has cheered him up. He has agreed that he must not lend money to anyone or buy anyone anything without giving himself at least 24 hours to think about whether it is a good idea of not. I've explained to him he doesn't have to agree to everything that 'a friend' asks him to do. The best thing to do is say that 'I'll get back to you on that'. If I teach him phrases to use, it helps as he can use it is a standard response and doesn't get overwhelmed trying to find an answer there and then. Let's see how that goes.

He has also managed to stay long enough at this particular job now that they are clearly able to see past his ill-judged words and do appreciate that he is a hard worker. He's managed to be there for nearly 3 months. The boss seems decent (as far as I can tell through DS's interpretations) and I think he must have asked one of the older, more experienced people to keep an eye out for DS, as DS talks about this person quite a bit and in favourable terms. DS is less stressed and anxious. I hope it lasts for a while at least.

Thank you for the reply that's good to hear. I am going to try and seek some more help and guidance for her as she is almost at rock bottom at the moment

Good luck @duvet I really hope you can get some help.