DD was a very high energy child and is now a very tricky teen. Being factual here in order to get to the point (rather than have anyone tell me I am being unsympathetic:) She’s becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. She lives in squalor - she took herself out of the family home 18 months ago to live in the loft over the garage, and it’s not really a suitable place for anyone to be living full time (it was converted to be the occasional guest accommodation when we have all the family over, so has heating and a loo, but not intended to stand up to everyday use.) She has withdrawn from family life and has to be cajoled all the time into taking part in things I would expect teenagers to do, such as helping prepare meals and tidying dishes away afterwards. She treats the house like a hotel. She’s recently also started demanding lifts and gets very angry if we are not available to collect her immediately with no prior notice.
She is selfish and unempathetic - it is like living with a little female Spock, but she is massively high achieving. She had the second highest GCSE results in her school, is extremely successful in her sports (top 10 world ranking in one, could be national team pathway in the other but doesn’t have the time to commit to it so potters around doing it for fun) and has Oxbridge ambitions. School have always described her as a very good girl - she much prefers the company of adults, and adults seem to like her too. Her friendship group is quite small and leans heavily towards girls who identify as boys and her social life is very geeky (lots of time in the library, D&D, etc.) She becomes very focussed on things, often being involved in one thing for a prolonged period of time to the exclusion of everything else.
She has a quite pronounced version of a minor autoimmune condition, and as such has decent contact with her GP and was referred to a paediatric rheumatologist for assessment and prescription. This has also brought her into good contact with the SEN team at both secondary school and 6th form.
She has no SEN diagnosis and none of the school or medical staff mentioned above have ever mentioned it either. But several friends who have autistic children and one who volunteers with autistic children have said she is clearly (to them) on the spectrum.
I don’t really know what to do next. The first time anyone mentioned it to me I was quite surprised as she had seemed mostly normal to me. My best friend has suggested that I may have not seen signs because she is very like me, and I don’t have any sort of diagnosis, nor do I want one. But she is clearly going to run into a lot of trouble once she steps out into the real world if she behaves the way she does with no explanation for it. I would like her to at least come back into the house, as I feel she is just not learning decent social behaviour isolating herself out there. I also don’t know if an ASD diagnosis would gain her any more support from 6th form and uni. I don’t know if going through a diagnosis would be supportive or disruptive as she approaches her A Levels. We are able to pay for a private diagnosis, as I understand NHS waiting times can be very long.
She seems very happy with her schoolwork, hobbies and friendship circle, but I worry she will be vey misunderstood when she leaves home and goes to uni. I found these things very difficult. I still feel very different to other people now I am in my 50s and am often accused of being ‘too intense.’ I would like for there to be an easier way for my child.
Does anyone have any advice or experience wrt a late diagnosis for a teenage girl?