Advice about splitting PIP/DLA with ex

[Gooders1105]

Hi. Looking for advice please.
I have two autistic sons, 16 and 14 who both receive PIP and DLA respectively. I have always applied for this; I have filled in EVERY form since both sons’ diagnosis.

I work full time and so does my ExH. He sees the boys EOW, Wednesday evenings and every Sunday evening. So, 5/14 nights a fortnight. My eldest son, 18, spends all his time with me apart from 2 nights with ExH a month.

I earn at least 20k less than my ExH. I gave up work for 6 years when my boys were little and then worked part time for four years too. He has about £125k less than me to pay off his mortgage. He is 57, I am 52.

He wants some of the boys’ DLA and PIP. The problem is he has always been financially controlling; at one point, I surrendered my bank cards to him and he gave me £40 spending money per week having convinced me that I was awful with money. I’m not.

Can the DWP split money or does it go to the resident parent which is me?

I want to be fair but he isn’t and I’d love some impartial advice.

Absolutely fucking not. The money is for your DC not him.

Another absolutely no way. For a start, PIP for your 16y/o does not belong to you. It is DS’s even if you are appointee and managing the money on his behalf in his best interests and 2 people can’t be appointee. But still no for the DLA.

Thank you for replying.
Both children are severely disabled. Pre verbal. They get through a lot of clothing, bedding etc. To keep the house (it has been specially adapted for them) means a really high mortgage payment each month. I don’t own a car; he took the car when he left. I’m lucky enough to have been loaned a car by a neighbour who wasn’t using one of hers.
My social worker has emailed us both informing him that he can go to the DWP to get it split but he can’t, can he?

But he is arguing I’m keeping the money for them from him.

He is outrageously selfish. I’m just bombarded with his messages about it weekly.

It sounds as though he is still abusing you. Please don't respond to any messages like this. I would really recommend speaking to Womensaid about how he's treating you.

I don’t actually think it’s that outrageous for the child he has 5/14. Perhaps suggest 50:50? Presumably you also have a mobility car etc. You cant say the expenses associated with their disabilities only extend to your household.

The social worker has overstepped here.

It is unlikely (I won’t say never, but I have never heard of that happening. Although I have heard of fathers asking) the money will be split in that way. I do know families where motability cars move with the child, but that doesn’t apply to you.

You probably spend far more on DSs’ needs than the DLA and PIP received. Just in case anyone (professional, not ex) questions how you are using the money it could help for you to make a list of all disability related expenditure.

OP doesn’t have a motability car otherwise she wouldn’t be using the neighbours.

DLA and PIP rarely cover anywhere near the full costs associated with disability. Scope’s latest research says on top of disability benefits, household with at least 1 disabled person need another £975 to level the playing field and that with inflation in 22/23 it would be £1,122. Presumably even more now.

I’ve not suggested they do “cover the cost” but that isn’t relevant to the point I made.

If there is a cost associated with their disability that cost will also extend to the father during the time he has the child.

Just because ex has DC 5/12 doesn’t mean he has 5/12’s of the disability related costs. Just like fathers who have contact with DC without disabilities often don’t have proportionate costs for the number of nights they have. It is relevant to your post because the DLA/PIP is already being used for disability related costs. It isn’t sat there being exploited by OP for her benefit.

I don’t agree. 5/14 is not insignificant. It’s 35% of the time. Her ex won’t also have benefited from all the disability grants that OP has and so will have had to pay out those expenses himself to accommodate his child for that portion of the time.

If you accept that the DLA/PIP is for the benefit of the person receiving it there is no reason it shouldn’t also assist them in a place where they spend 35% of their time.

There’s absolutely nothing stopping the ex applying for some grants. Not all require the resident parent to apply.

There was also nothing stopping him requesting to be appointee for DS’s PIP instead.

It is just another way to try to control the OP. Whose earning potential was hit since she was the one who gave up work for a period of time to be the main carer.

You need to “live in” the house to access the grants, where the person lives will be based on where they spend the majority of their time.

Not for all.

In any event, I don’t think principally that splitting DLA/PIP between two households is unreasonable. You might not agree but there we are.

I really welcome all thoughts. I think the disparity between incomes (when we met I out earned him - we are in the same profession) and mortgages are my main issue and he has bought himself an expensive car (financed by his dad).
I also have the boys most of the working week and I think the nights he had them are strategic- from 5.30pm on a Sunday means that they’re not really awake there for long.

He could apply for DLG himself. He hasn’t.

And that’s my feeling. He applies for grants day to day in his job. Won’t do it for himself though.

I do think it’s about control as he threatens not to have them to frighten me into acquiescing.

Interestingly enough, the Social Worker emailed this morning to say she couldn’t get involved.
I think I might offer for him to pay less maintenance instead. Oldest one is going to uni in September (hopefully) and youngest has regular respite so we are almost 50:50 in terms of nights now so he can claw back some money that way.

I wouldn’t take respite into account when calculating the split if you are the one picking up the slack if (when!) respite is cancelled or DS is unwell/injured in some way it is cut short or if you are the only one providing the belongings DS takes to respite or if it is the type of respite where DS going out to activities and you are funding them.

You really get it! Yes, that’s all what happens. Thanks for your messages. Really really appreciated.