device addict please help

[mumtoadhdasdboy]

My DS13 is a device addict, it's all he does and wants to do. If he's not on his switch, it's his iPhone, if he's not on either of those, he's watching TV.....

My son has autism and ADHD goes to a special school and doesn't get homework issued. So the minute I pick him up from school he's on his phone in the car to when we get home. As soon as he's home he gets on his switch and plays until bedtime.

I made a new rule recently of no devices at dinner time which he hates - but it is what it is.

My son has massive communication issues.. most likely stemming from the fact that ALL he knows is what he's playing and/or watching. He is incapable of talking about anything outside of this subject.

It scares me so much. I feel like a total failure.

If I suggest time out from his devices, he will freak out and not have a clue what else to do with himself. I've suggested board games but he's not interested.

He goes to climbing, chess, running once a week - so does do other activities. But the rest of the time it's devices.

I need some strategies on how to handle this and how to cope if anything is limited as I know he's going to freak out totally.

I'm going through a separation too so we will shortly be moving into a new house together. So I'm scared that if I set up new rules on devices - like limiting it, he'll be really unhappy in our new house. I know his dad won't be limiting anything when he visits him so he'll probably end up wanting to stay with his dad more ultimately (which also worries me).

Thank you in advance.

no sports clubs? no clubs at all?

Hi yes I said he goes to chess club, climbing club and does Park Run once a week. So he gets out, it's just the rest of the time..

homework?

does he do the clubs after school? if not… that’s what you need to find.

Then home. dinner. homework…. then screen time

he does chess on Thursday after school and climbing on Friday after school. Park Run is on Saturday mornings.
He is not set any homework.

i’d be looking at school clubs every night day.

does he ever see friends out of school?

I will explore some other options. He doesn't have any friends. He chats to a few boys from school through gaming, but that's it. Nothing socially really.

I'm more keen to find ways to entertain him if I limit the devices when he's at home. Or ways to cope with how he's going to react. Or it is a case of fill his time with as much extra curricular activity and then just let him use his devices for the rest of the time?! I just don't know what is best for him mentally over the longer term.

yes - fill his time as much as possible. Self regulation plus adhd plus 13 years old - very very tough to implement

Do you have a dog?

yeah we do have a dog who he adores.
I pay him £5.00 a week for unloading the dishwasher every morning. Maybe I should start adding some dog walks into his routine too. He'll want to be paid for it though, not sure I'll get that for free ha ha. Although it's not a great time of the year for that, not sure I want him out walking the streets in the dark on his own. The dog is a bit of a puller as well though, and can be unpredictable around other dogs too. Not sure...

thanks for all your helpful comments btw I do appreciate it

He walks dog. Every day after school when no club. leaves phone at home. no less than an hour. You pay £10 for the week but if he ever doesn’t do or whinges about it… you deduct £5

I'll have a think, I'm not keen on him being out without his phone though as no communication channel. Plus it being dark in the evenings. But it's an idea thanks

i send my 13 year old adhd boy out with the dog and have an absolutely no mobile rule

i say it’s so he focuses on the dog

initially argued now doesn’t blink

I think he's doing well. He has ADHD & ASD and he's already going to Chess ClubC Parkrun and Climbing. That's really very positive.

I'd keep on with the No screens at the table rule, for everyone.

Fir now though, if you're going through a separation abc you're both moving I'd just keep going with what he's doing now and maybe encourage more if the activities he enjoys once you started to settle in your new home and

So he’s probably using his phone to self regulate - especially after a full-on day at his special school. Whilst they’re great, imagine the intensity of being with other autistic children /children with additional needs all day long for a week - it totally zapped my son - the intensity of masking for that long every day can be super exhausting for them. Ds was always so anxious and just wanted to get home and chill. He used his piano as soon as he got in to regulate and then moved straight on to gaming.

We see gaming /YouTube as one of his special interests - as opposed to seeing it as a screen time is bad/negative thing. Once you see it as something that helps him to regulate, it’s much easier. Don’t feel guilty. Once they’re easily self regulating, their anxiety drops and you can hopefully introduce other things….like shall we set the dinner table together or could you help me peel the carrots (or whatever). One teeny increase at a time.

Your DS does three things after his school day every week so that’s great. Does he not stress about going to them? If no, that’s fab. I think that’s a good amount of stuff to do.

I personally wouldn’t send out my DS without his phone - I’m the first person he’d call if something happened so having a phone is vital imo.
Could you both do a dog walk together each evening as a routine thing?

Any rules you’ve already implemented and that he accepts, definitely keep.

If he’s not into board games, you could ask him to show you how to do ‘Geo Guesser’ online. It’s very addictive and I know some schools use it. DS loves it and loves to engage with me and show me his knowledge of the places and sometimes we challenge each other.

Would he watch a movie with you once a week - say on a Saturday night with a pizza?

Thank you, your words have cheered me up a bit!

He hates the "no screens at dinnertime" rule but he is getting more used to it now. I told him that it was just as important for me to put my phone down as well and so we can both have this uninterrupted time together - even if it's for only 15 mins a day. (He eats fast but I've told him that if I'm not finished, he is to wait until I am finished and then he can clear up the table)

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful post - it really helped.

I agree I'm really not happy with my son being out without any means for either of us to communicate with each other. I'm also a lot less keen on him taking the dog out on his own too. We've got a big strong dog and he is used to being off lead but since his arthritis diagnosis it's lead walking mainly and he hates it and pulls so it's not as safe for my son now. Before he'd just let him off in the field, pick up the poo and then put him back on again... it's different now.

I like the idea of a dog walk together - he'll hate that but I might push for it actually, thanks.. .small steps like you say.

Movie and a pizza is also a good idea. I do try and play online games with him - if you can't beat them, join em type of thing.

I just have that constant feeling of failure which eats me up inside. I genuinely don't know how he's going to cope when he's older as he just likes his own company and has no desire to communicate with others.

Hi @mumtoadhdasdboy glad to be able to help a little.
I know what you mean about the constant guilt. I have a generally light and happy personality however, some days I just sit and cry and cry. Not knowing what sort of future my DS will have. It breaks my heart. He wishes I had never had him and it’s so sad to hear him say that.

I have no idea how he’ll cope once we are no longer here but if I thought like that every day, I’d break down and not be able to get back out of the despair.

Like we both said, really small steps is the key. They won’t be able to take more on board if their anxiety isn’t managed. It takes a long time but last week my DS started cooking for himself every night and eating it (he has an ED)! He actually told me he was feeling less anxious and more able to do cooking for himself. He’s never said that before - ever! So it proves to me that lowering the anxiety is the way forward, understanding that the odd blip will happen but there’s hope he’ll recover and move on.

I agree, the anxiety is the key issue and small steps are best. I'll carry on with what I'm doing for the time being I think. I've told him that once we've moved he'll have more responsibility around the house - which I hope will empower him a bit. More jobs = less screen time. He helps me now so grudgingly it's like getting blood from a stone. But I think the more and more I push for help, the more used to it he'll get. I'm so glad to have binned off the screens at dinnertime though, even if it's only 15 minutes a day, at least we have that time now. It's a shame that his dad won't be enforcing that rule, but that's outside of my control.

Sounds like a plan! 😊