ASD son holds grudges - still ongoing grudge from 12 yrs ago

[wendall456]

My ASD son is 15 and has never got on with his dad - well not since he was 3. I usually did the nursery run and the one time my husband did it, there was a mix up over a toy and my son ended up losing his teddy. 12 yrs on and my son still holds this against him - he holds grudges and he will never let you forget a mistake. He doesn't speak to my mum much because once he told her he didn't like rolos and she got him a rolo easter egg!!!

So basically he rarely speaks (although shouts and screams at him)to my DH and he feels his dad doesn't like him because he didn't fight for him over the toy mix up. They have nothing in common my son is very very quirky (and I agree he can be embarassing) but he is proud to be unique and his own person. He is very very truthful and honest but along with this comes holding grudges if mistakes are made by others.

Him and my DH have massive rows and blow ups all the time and my son always says he can never forgive him. They often agree they have to tolerate each other but my DH is now of the opinion that they don't like each other and is getting fed up of all the arguing. In my DH's defence my DS can be nasty to him but he is full of hatred because of the lost toy!

My DH says if you really don't like someone and they treat you with disrespect over an issue many years ago you would probably move on and disown that person so why can't they do just that instead of having to walk on eggshells around each other just because they are father ans son.

Is this is a common trait among autistic people? I just wish I could get DS to understand about forgiving and forgetting. If he would let it go I am sure they would get on better - I don't think they will ever be best buddies as they are very different and my DH finds his whole personality difficult to deal with. I just want a harmonious house to live in without shouting and arguing between them all the time.

DH says I make excuses for my son and just because he is autistic he should not treat my DH the way he does.

In my opinion they are probably both as bad as each other and don't particularly like each other but due to being dad and son they have to get on!!!

So who is in the wrong here?

Dd didn't like a girl in her class at primary school, 10 years later has never forgiven her for looking at her work. Which in year 6 was a year 1 level at best. So no chance the girl was copying her.
Dd doesn't have asd diagnosis, but severe speech and language disorder and learning difficulties.

@wendall456 I don't think either are in the wrong. It sounds as though DS is operating at a much younger age than his 15 years. Is he able to reflect on others actions at all?

Could DH be ND as well as DS?

Would some kind of age appropriate social story help your DS to understand that everyone makes mistakes and that doesn't make them a bad person, just human? And perhaps your DH needs to understand how ASD can cause very rigid thinking and make it hard for DS to see things from his point of view. It sounds it started as a lack of understanding on both sides which has gone on so long that it's grown to this feeling of them disliking each other. Maybe some therapy or meditation from a trusted person with understanding of ASD could help. I hope they can forgive each other and I'm sorry it sounds like you're stuck in the middle.