Can't cope with my daughter

[teapotfullofsquash]

Daughter is 12. Has always been difficult. If I just list everything then it'll be easier. She has no SN diagnosis but I didn't know where else to put this in all honesty.

Issues with food. Complains most meals even if its something I know she likes. There will be something wrong, too chewy, too spicy, anything. Most food is left. But any sweet pudding she will eat.

Issues with clothing. Examples; clothing dont "feel right" Socks don't fit right, doesn't like those pants wants different ones, will have meltdowns and kick off if items she wants are in the wash. Will wear the same clothes repeatedly without putting for washing.

Always wants to do something/go somewhere. If I say no and give very valid reasons, she will scream and shout and lash out. For example, I don't drive so cannot take her to the trampoline sessions on the other side of town. This causes regular arguments where she screams and shouts at me.

Jealous of siblings. Claims I favour them. In comparison to the rest, she takes all of my attention with her behaviour. The others just get on with their day, occasionally get told if they are doing something wrong but not often. I think they've realised she's front and centre, so just plod on.

Always asks me to buy things for her. Doesn't realise A.money doesn't grow on trees and B. She doesn't need what she's asking for.

Literally everything is an argument. I ask her to tidy her room (it's like living in squalor) she cries asking me for help and will just sit in the middle of the room (or lately in the wardrobe)

Other things are, doesn't shower regularly or wash hair. Has to be reminded to brush teeth. Doesn't brush own hair. Will cry or scream at me till I brush her hair. Social skills are a bit lacking with peers. Gets on easier with younger children.

She goes to school and is the model pupil. I've spoken to numerous teachers and they don't actually believe me that she is so badly behaved at home and just laugh. I've spoken to the doctor who said all of her behaviour was normal and she's just a fussy eater. She doesn't speak to her Dad the way she does me.

If you've read all that, thankyou. Not sure if I just need to vent but if anyone has any advice I'd be grateful.

Sounds very difficult. Count your blessings school is going well but it sounds like you're getting the brunt of all her frustration. It sounds something like autism but then again there are so many things that can cause this behaviour it might not be autism at all. Everyone will tell you to get a proper assessment so you can know what to do.

But yeah, sounds like you need a break.

Sounds very much like my DD at 12, right down to disbelieving and laughing Teachers.

DD is now on the pathway for ASD & ADHD with possible ARFID and Dyslexia.

Do you think that your DD might have ARFID too?

Thankyou both for the replies. Yes that is what I took her to Dr about in the first instance, ARFID, because the food issue is a worry and its such a constant battle. I felt he belittled me infront of her and said she was just a normal fussy eater. And all other behaviour was fine. She would grow out of it. At the very least, her weight is noted on her records for when I have to take her back.
I've spoken to many teachers and they do not believe me and well meaning people always say, well at least she's not like that at school. I sometimes wish she were, I'm sure if she was throwing her books in her teachers faces or having a meltdown over an item of clothing, I would have a bit more support.

I would push for an ASD assessment. In some areas you can self refer. It isn’t uncommon for DC to mask at school and explode at home. It doesn’t mean the problem is at home.

Is there another GP you could see about a referral for ARFID?

Has DD tried seamless or seamfree socks?

You've just described my daughter! Angel at school (cue a series of disbelieving teachers...like I'd be doing this for fun?!!) and rage machine extraordinaire much of the time at home. Diagnosed with autism at age 10. We strongly suspect a PDA profile, too. PM me if you need any practical tips, but seriously, I'd push and push some more for an assessment. You are not alone and it's really hard.

Thankyou everyone. Just feeling like I'm not over reacting helps. Another rough weekend from her so thankful it's a school day.im going to get an appointment with a different GP and go from there.

Good luck @teapotfullofsquash. Kept asking

It's so hard, I know! It sounds to me that your daughter is struggling with tactile and oral sensory difficulties, which makes eating and dressing very difficult (look up sensory processing disorder). There are lots of suggestions online to help with this and an Occupational Therapist trained in sensory integration will be able to advise. Although I have to say my daughter has the same difficulties and we haven't yet found anything that's really helped (but some things have been useful). But our behaviour and attitude towards her makes a big difference, e.g. being (extremely!) patient and not getting cross when she e g. can't get dressed/eat what she's been given, as she's not being badly behaved, she is struggling. Hiding in the cupboard is likely fulfilling a sensory need to have a small safe space free of input. Trampolining can be really helpful to help a child with SPD regulate so that may be why your daughter gets so upset when you can't take her to the trampoline park as she may subconsciously know that's what her body needs.

I would definitely suggest getting her assessed for ASD as sensory difficulties are common with autism. Your daughter has some other possible red flags too (fixed ideas/emotional dysregulation/appears socially immature). My DD was also the model pupil at school but was struggling so much beneath the surface. Got diagnosed age 15. So much makes sense for her and us now.

Try to get some support for yourself too OP as it's not an easy road, even if that's meeting up for a cuppa with someone walking a similar path. Do something fun/relaxing when you can. Focus on the lovely side of your DD and build your relationship as I bet she needs you more than ever, even if it seems she's pushing everyone away.

Be strong. Hold on. Try to be kind. Fight for help if you need to!
I try to be patient, as mine has no friends / social network, but it's hard to be the rock when the acid rain is constantly pouring down.
Other than food (never fussy) and school (never went well) your daughter sounds like my teen! Poor social skills, lack of hygiene, sibling jealousy, shouting, lack of motivation / starting skills... Autism ruled out for us, diagnosed with a lesser disorder. We're applying for a needs assessment anyway but I feel like a complete fraud tbh, as DC can appear so very normal and intelligent.