School isn't working and I don't know what to try...

[LetMeEnfoldYou]

DD (13) was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD earlier this year after going through complete breakdown/burnout in January.

She didn't really attend school prior to the summer holidays. She is now on ADHD meds and is much happier, calmer, self harming and other scary stuff has stopped.

But school is the biggest blocker. She'll go most days (ish) but finds she can't go to many classes, spending most days in the support base doing absolutely nothing. They don't give her course work to do, they either do games or just sit there on their phones as far as I understand it.

Most days she texts asking to come home; I'm trying to build her resilience so I don't allow it. But she's learning nothing much, and it's obviously not a great environment for her.

She will not consider moving schools - better the devil you know for a teen I think - and I'm worried about making her, in case we end up back where we were with her mental health as it was truly terrifying.

DH and I both work FT and that can't change; I don't feel equipped to home school and I don't think she'd be able to settle to it anyway.

I feel out of options. How have you all managed to find a way through? Help and ideas, please.

Sorry should have said we're in Scotland so no SENCO, for example.

There will still be a teacher responsible for pupils with additional support needs. Have you spoken to them? Is DD receiving any support? Has she had an OT assessment?

Have you spoken to Enquire?

Forcing DD to attend may cause more issues longer term. DC don’t build resilience by being forced to endure a (to them) traumatic environment. If DD can’t attend the LA should provide alternative arrangements.

They have a head of support who assured me she'd get access to the curricular in pupil support; that's not happening.

They don't respond to my emails; the only time I've had a quick response from them is when I sent a complaint to the local education authority. They're just shit.

Being at home really isn't better for her; at school she interacts with people, does maybe a class or two a day, sees her friends, has a bit of a normal life.

At home she sits in her room 90% of the time and has no life at all.

I'll look at Enquire, thank you, I hadn't heard of them before.

If the school is ignoring you escalate the matter. With additional needs you have to be the squeaky wheel. If you didn’t receive a satisfactory response to your complaint to the council you can complain to the SPSO.

Alternative provision doesn’t have to be at home. However, I didn’t realise DD was attending 1/2 lessons a day. If she can do that you could look at part time school and part time other provision. What is different about the lessons DD feels she can attend (is it the same subjects or time of day each time)? Is there something the school could mirror in other lessons? Or is it that DD is exhausted (socially, physically or psychologically) from masking in 1/2 lessons a day and can’t cope with more?

Basically she goes to classes where she feels just about ok because she has friends in there with her. The easy classes - childcare and home ec.

She's had no maths this year, been to English once, went to IT once, Business Studies once. But every day is back and forth texts about wanting to come home.

What's a shame is she is much happier when she comes home and has been to classes. It's good for her self esteem. She can't see it though, or feel the difference I think.

Would the timetable allow DD to swap some classes so more have friends in them?

Is it the class sizes and noise OP?Mine really struggled with that (dd14 ASD and ADHD) so I ended up going the small private school route with small class sizes and good pastoral care. I was lucky enough to be able to do it.

Sounds like this school is massively failing her. Good that the medication is helping though.

I honestly don't know what it is that stops her, and she is very bad at explaining it and just gets frustrated.

They say they tried to put her into classes with friends but I don't think they really follow through on anything they tell me.

She's off again today. She's learned literally nothing in 2023.

I so wish private school was an option but there's just no way. And what if we paid a fortune and she still didn't go!

I'm exhausted and sad for her. I want her to have the full life she deserves. She isn't intellectually impacted so in theory there's no reason she can't do well. But at this rate she will leave school with not a single qualification and then where will she be.

I'm just really sad today. How do we all do this.

It is so frustrating when they can’t explain what is exactly the problem. Mine has just given up 6th form and said she didn’t know why she couldn’t go but she just couldn’t (ADHD) It’s depressing as you just feel they will never reach their potential but with all education you. may find when she is older and has learnt to deal with her diagnosis she will re engage with it. It became overwhelmingly a problem for me and I used to get stressed every night thinking she won’t go in tomorrow and it caused terrible rows- a friend with a son with the same difficulties said let your fear and panic go as your child’s mental health is suffering and it’s more important to look after that. It has worked for her so. and he is a lot older now and doing fine
I know it’s easier said then done when they are 14 and not 16.

You need to ask the school to meet with you and your dd to agree a plan for increasing her attendance in lessons. She could also be doing part of the lesson and bringing her work back to the base to complete. In short if you all accept that she only goes to the lessons she feels OK in she will probably not attend maths and English. If she spends her time hanging around the base on her phone then nothing will change.

It's massively frustrating. Yesterday she went to school, went to 3 out of 5 classes, came home happy.

Today, woke up crying, didn't go to school, tried to get her to do a bit of English work (literally read for 30 minutes) and she's now in her room crying and throwing things around.

She's missing out on so much, and I can't get anything out of her. I asked her does she not wish she was doing something other than sitting in her room? I don't know.

It's all I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

She's wasting her life away lying in bed like a 90 year old. Objectively she isn't happier on days where she does it.

Thing is, if she barely spends any time with us, and can't or won't talk about school or anything else, how do we address it?

We agree with the school that she'll go to certain classes, it happens sporadically, they don't notice or care, I can't force her to go, and I can't make her go into the classroom when she is there.

It's been almost a year. Is this is? Is this her life? What the fuck is she going to do? What is she going to become? She'll have no exam results, she'll get no job, she wont be able to move out or go to college or keep up with her friends.

Meanwhile all of the stress of trying to get her to live some sort of life is on us. And we are clueless, and there's really no help.

Been there done that: the school take no notice whatsoever of which classes she goes to. There's literally 20 s2 and s3 kids sitting in a room with a randomly assigned teacher, on their phones, or doing a colouring in (!?£ task, and that's about it.

It's a terrible environment and the culture that develops is one of 'who cares' and all I can see is that she has grasped that she doesn't really have to go to classes, nobody cares, there are no consequences, so why even try.

And in the background you've got me. I lost my job (a job that I loved beyond all measure and am devastated to lose) because I couldn't perform due to the stress. I can barely eat. This year has broken me. And I'm supposed to be this constant cheerleader who doesn't mind if she lies in bed all morning, or celebrates the fact that, at age 13, she went to school and drew a fucking picture.

I absolutely can't keep doing this. But I have to.

I would be asking them to implement some consequences alongside the support. I see this happen regularly. Parents ask school to make adjustments and ask that child accesses pastoral base or has part time timetable. Expectations are much lower and child has no real reason to up their hours as they are feeling life is better in the support base where there are few demands and people are v understanding. If you want this to change it will mean being tougher with your teen. This also means telling the school you want them to be tougher with her. There will be pushback from your daughter who may prefer what is happening now.

This thread made me so emotional.
I can relate to it..especially the "I don't know " response to everything.
Have a dd at 6th form with depression.
We are on the camhs radar but moving very slowly.
I have just had a "I am sad and I don't want to stay at school" text.
School should be a happy place with their mates but sadly for many it is such a trigger...
Don't have any wise words...Big hugs,xx

Thank you.

I'm actually heading into a meeting with the head teacher now. Something needs to change.

Agree about the consequences part too...but how do you do that when you've got a teen with suicide attempts in her recent past?

I need to walk a line between that and trying to get her an education, and every damn day is different.

@BadBadDecisions
Hope the head teacher meeting goes well.
Oh I completely know what you mean about the fine line.
My dd took an OD last month and somehow I am afraid to parent her anymore.

Oh @DarkChocHolic it's the worst. I'm so sorry.

I will say that things won't always be as dark as they are now. We are about 7/8 months down the line and things are markedly improved (ADHD meds and time I think) most days.

The terror of it though. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

@BadBadDecisions
Thank you for the hope!
I suspect DD needs medication...possibly anti depressants or even a ND assessment for inattentive adhd and autism.
Which I why I lurk on thid board too.

Yes, we had to very very quickly go private, CAMHS were absolutely dreadful if not actively harmful. It was about 8 weeks or so from first appointment through to diagnosis and medication.

God knows where we'd be by now without it.

@BadBadDecisions
Can I ask if you saw a psychiatrist privately? Or did you get the ND assessment privately.
DD is on camhs but she may be well over 18 before anything progresses if at all.
I do have a private referral letter to the GP but unsure how to access private assessment or psychiatrist.
GP unfortunately only do open referrals and are unable to suggest.