Help me get my DS to autism assessment

[Rainbowstone]

Hello, looking for some wisdom and guidance. My DS is 15 and we've had some very challenging few years with his mental health, behaviour, schooling and such like. He has some counselling via CAHMS and a private counsellor during the Covid years but wouldn't engage so we had to give those up. Anyway, we've just received an autism assessment for 2 weeks time (guess some funding to reduce waiting list has come through) and honestly don't know how we will get him there as he will refuse to go unless we handle it properly. He has previously said that if we make him go to any appointments he will run away from home but I don't think he means it. He is very very resistant to having any label or being considered 'special' (his words) and his worse fear is any of his friends finding out. But he really needs some help, his quality of life is being affected and to me and DH he is very clearly autistic- he is our first born so it took us a while to realise this (which I beat myself up about) and puberty is making it worse.
I also need some support as he is getting worse and worse and difficult to manage and really heading in the wrong direction when it comes to school, friends,family interactions, siblings, etc. He also has severe OCD.
So, can anyone suggest any way we can encourage him to get to the appointment or just use any method necessary to get him there. We can't afford a private assessment and are really struggling. It's affecting mine and DHs relationship and his siblings too. Thanks in advance and sorry for long post

Does DS know he doesn’t have to tell anyone he doesn’t want to? It might seem obvious to you, but sometimes DC don’t realise that.

@OvertakenByLego I have said that to him before but I have had to share some detail with the school but under strict confidentiality conditions and explained the situation to them.

Missing the point somewhat but does he have an EHCP. In our experience support has come from this rather than the actual diagnosis.

With respect to you actual question one thing we did was turn round the problem so that we told the ds's that we were wanting advice for us to help them support them better because clearly they were not happy (lots of meltdowns) - they were younger (10ish) at the time so not sure it would work as well with a 15 year old.

As ds2 became more and more reluctant to attend appointments we made sure we had an initial appointment with each new professional in his absence so that he did not have to hear a discussion of his difficulties so this might be worth asking for. We even miraculously had a home visit on one occasion when ds2 was finding it difficult to leave the house so that he could meet them when he was less anxious (to be honest we reached a point that there was no point dragging him to appointments as he was so distressed that assessments were pretty meaningless of his true capabilities).

I think ds1 shares now he is autistic with his peers but it took him quite a while but for both of mine because they had major problems at school (exclusions etc) there were a lot of negative connotations to overcome. Perhaps if you can find some positives or good role models he might be more accepting of the idea otherwise all they hear is there is something wrong with you & it feeds into their low self-esteem.

@OneInEight thank you for taking the time to respond and your input. No DS does not have an EHCP, I thought that it came once a diagnosis is given? But I may just be dim.
Good advice about turning it around and pitch it that it’s to support us to help him. That might work. He doesn’t get on with DH very much but I think I will need both of us to get him there but DH said that it might make the situation even worse.
I am absolutely dreading it and it’s keeping me awake on what is a very much needed holiday. I am really struggling with him, and he is getting worse, in trouble at school, failed all his recent GCSE progress exams, having friendship issues and making bad choices. We all tense up when he is in the house. However he is also incredibly kind and thoughtful at times.
We’re seeing symptoms with his little sister now but feel more educated now about getting her on the assessment waiting list.

EHCPs are based on need, not diagnosis. You can request an EHCNA yourself - IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Support in schools is based on need, so a diagnosis won’t automatically result in more support.

Would a virtual appointment for the first one help?

Our DC1 had a virtual appointment for ADHD and it was very effective.

Sorry for delay, my DS did some virtual sessions for CBT during the Covid years for OCD and he didn’t engage at all, grunted a little and wouldn’t appear on screen.