Advice needed

[Suffolkmum81]

I feel at my wits end. My son is 23 and waiting on testing for autism /adhd . I never realised until he was around 18 that something was really wrong, I always put it down to being a bit quirky and then teenage laziness. I was a young mum and he was my first child I didn’t know any different . Anyway the last few years it’s become apparent that something ain’t quite right and he just can’t cope with adult responsibilities.

I really don’t know how to help him without over stepping the mark, he has capacity to make his own decisions even though they aren’t always in his best interest and I don’t know how comfortable I feel about making some of those decisions for him. He doesn’t work anymore as it all became too overwhelming for him, he wasn’t able to manage his time or to get his work done.

my partner ( not his father ) and my daughter constantly are in at me to do something about him as he doesn’t do anything without being asked. He will stay in his room and only come out to eat . He makes a mess and doesn’t tidy up after himself or if he remembers to it won’t b done properly . I understand they’re frustrating but I literally don’t know what to do, he struggles to manages tasks and even with a checklist forgets things so unless I’m on him
constantly things won’t get done . I’ve reached out to an autism charity for advice because I don’t know morally what is right and wrong for me to do . He sits up late on the internet and then wants to sleep in late , but I make him get up . The tasks I’m referring to are simple things while we are out working such as to feed the dog or put the dishwasher on.
I feel bullied by the people I live with but I’m scared of alienating my son. Any advice moat welcome, please be kind as I’m a woman at Rock bottom . Thanks for reading

It might seem like a daft question, but does DS know you want him to feed the dog/do the dishwasher and does he know how to? Sometimes DC need explicit instructions. If he does but forgets could he set an alarm? Or you call/text if possible initially.

Have a look at executive functioning difficulties.

Do you think DS could be anxious &/or depressed?
Is DS getting out of the house at all? If not, does he take vit D supplements?
Is DS, or you as appointee, receiving UC and PIP?
Does DS have an EHCP?

Thanks for replying , yes he knows he has a checklist in the fridge for every day. He doesn’t get out of bed until early afternoon unless I’m here to get him up . He doesn’t hear alarms because he wears earphones to sleep . He is receiving uc but got declined for pip . He doesn’t have an ehcp he is 23 and awaiting diagnosis

Reapply for PIP and appeal if necessary.

I would request an EHCNA, the assessments themselves will help you understand DS’s needs and how to support him. EHCPs can continue until 25, or 26 in some circumstances, and they don’t require a diagnosis because they are based on needs.

How would I go about this please 🙏

IPSEA has a model letter on their website that can be used to request an EHCNA.

For PIP, DS, or you on his behalf as appointee, will have to call PIP to begin a new application.