Getting my head around our Wills and provision for DS

[Verbena17]

Hi,
Feeling really down and confused and upset just thinking about changing our Wills and how to amend them in order to best help DS.

We wrote our wills after when DS(second and last child) was born and we had no knowledge of autism at that point.
We have quite basic Wills and they said that if anything happened to us when the kids were under 18, they would go to DH’s brother and family (although DH hadn’t actually asked them to do that role).

So a few years ago, we had our Wills sent from the solicitor where we used to live and now we have them here and just haven’t changed them.
But DS is now 18 and so they just need a little amending and that seems easy enough.

However, currently, I’m paid carer’s allowance for supporting DS as he struggles to do lots of things independently. I have to coax him to eat, dress, get up etc. But he’s very academic, can shower himself, can do his own banking transfers and knows how to do things - he just refuses/can’t do them.

Does anyone have any tips about disability trusts or other things that might help if say something happened suddenly to me and DH together (before he’s more mature) and he was left without us. DD is 21 and at uni and although wants her own life where she’s not his carer, she would help him for sure.

I just wondered what I should be looking at to put in place or wording for the Wills etc.
Both sets of our parents are fit and well and if we both died, DS would want to stay living in our house, which would be paid off.

It is my hope that all the grandparents would get together with our siblings and work something out short term to look after him or employ someone /housekeeper/personal assistant to come in each day.

I’m feeling really lost and quite depressed about it all and Dh just keeps getting cross and storms off -his only suggestion so far is ‘get yourself more healthy so you don’t die’. That was really helpful 🤔

Someone on this site (apologies to them as I can't remember who) recommended a read of this for someone else in a similar position. Although it refers to 'learning disability' I believe it does cover autism:

https://www.mencap.org.uk/advice-and-support/wills-and-trusts-service

I've bookmarked the site as it's something I really need to be thinking about too! It's such a worry isn't it?
My DS also has autism but sadly no siblings to help out and I worry about the future so much. My DS is also quite academically able but so vulnerable in many ways.

Ahh thanks so much - I’ll have a read after tea.
Yes it is definitely a worry & I completely understand how you must feel with only one child. We are trying to encourage DS to take on jobs round the house to get him used to managing but he refuses - he says he can do it when he needs to or if he moves out. Very frustrating but he’s being so rigid about it.

Since he was quite young, DS has always worried that because he’s the youngest, we will all die in order and he’ll be left
Thanks again for the link.

Definitely look at trusts. The precise type and wording that is best for you will depend on specific circumstances. I second Mencap and speaking to a solicitor who has experience in this area.

If DS isn’t already it would be worth making yourself and him known to social care.

We’ve had a chat and decided that a trust isn’t probably what he needs - having to have trustees that can say yes or no, when he fully understands money, ISA’s stocks and shares etc, we think a Trust would be too constrictive.

Crossing my fingers that over the next year or so, we can help him to become much more independent at home, and if anything did happen, he would have enough family and his sister to support him going forward.