Struggling to help 22 year old son with ASD and depression

[theoldapplebarrel]

Our 22 year old son suffers from periods of depression. He was diagnosed with ASD when he was in his early teens and struggles socially and has no friends apart from two other three made at primary school whom he no longer sees as they have moved on in their lives.

He did reasonably well academically and got a place at university but came home after one term having found the experience too overwhelming. He described it as "a waste of time" but I think this was a cover for his own deep insecurities and lack of self-worth. That is now three years ago and he has been back home ever since. He has talked (although not recently) of wanting to take his own life and there was a period up to a couple of years ago when he was self-harming, cutting his arms etc.

When he was in his mid-teens he was recieving regular counselling via CAMHS which was quite helpful. There have also been moments, including just a week ago, when we've had to contact Crisis so he could have an emergency conversation.

Currently he has ups and downs. He is looking for work but nothing has come his way yet. As a person he is kindly and generous-hearted with some really interesting things to offer. He can be full of witty comment some days but on others really really down, silent and shut away in his room. I find these days particularly hard to cope with and his mood can be quite oppressive, affecting us as his parents as well as his siblings. It's like treading on eggshells and sometimes for days on end the house feels enveloped in a depressive cloud.

He was on medication for about a year when he was 17 but refuses the suggestion now because he says "It won't do any good". I think he somehow thinks that he should be able to overcome his difficulties on his own, without any help. But it is really difficult for the rest of us not knowing quite how he will be from one day to the next. We feel so helpless sometimes.

We really want to help him - encouraging him to get involved with groups to pursue the various interests that he does have, get a job he might be interested in and so on, but nothing ever seems to work or do any good and it is very dispiriting. We are really worried about his future. He seems to have no motivation and frankly we find it emotionally draining. The real difficulty we find is being unable to step back emotionally and not feel "dragged down" by the way he is feeling. If we could do that we'd (a) enjoy life much more ourselves and, therefore also (b) be able to be more help to him.

If anyone has similar experience or wisdom please advise..

Hello OP, I didn’t want to read and run. So sorry to read what you’re all going through with your son. Our daughter is a similar age and a few years ago was dealing with terrible anxiety (she’s also ASD). Starting Uni has actually helped her but there are still times when she’s so anxious the atmosphere in the house is just dreadful, so I totally get where you’re coming from. Would your DS consider talking therapy? Just a thought perhaps.

It certainly sounds like you and your family are doing the very best you can in supporting your DS and being there for him but please take time out for yourselves. I say this as I myself have recently been struggling with my own MH and I think it’s in line with what we’ve gone through with our DD over the last few years. It’s also taken a toll on my marriage too.

If you ever want to chat with me, please PM me and I’d be more than happy to talk with you. Best wishes 💐

@ChristyLights thank you so much. It's reassuring to know that we're not the only ones who struggle with just not knowing what to do for the best. Your kind words and your understanding mean a lot.

It's just not knowing what the next day or week will bring. Some days he's quite up and we have a sense of hope. The atmosphere at home changes to lightness and relief and everyone is relaxed. And then at other times, like this past week, he's really down and silent and the gloom descends again. If only he could find some purpose, an enjoyable job - just something very straightforward - some friends and a hobby or interest he could share with others it could be so much better. None of that seems very much to ask for, but these simple things seem out of reach almost all of the time.

He does have lovely caring sisters and we do our best as parents but we really worry for him and sometimes wonder what his life will be in 10, 20 years and when we are no longer around. He has had talking therapy in the past although not for a while and we could suggest it again. The challenge is trying to persuade him that it is worth trying as when he is feeling down he thinks outside assistance just doesn't work and somehow it's all down to him to sort out.

I really hope that you are able to find your own emotional resources too. It sounds like you're finding it really tough going as well. And all for a child you just love and want the best for. Take care, and thanks again.

Hi @theoldapplebarrel can I ask what interests does he have, if any?
Would he feel able to do something like ‘Go Student’ tutoring to school-age children? You can select your own hours but I think it’s generally at least 10yr a week.

If not, would he be interested in looking at anything on here - a careers teacher pointed it out to us because it’s all home-based work for short periods of time.
finder.com Work Finder

I completely understand your worry though - our DS is 18 and has high anxiety and periods of depressions- mostly because he can’t envision anything in his future. It’s so sad and like you, it’s really taken a toll on our marriage.

@theoldapplebarrel - sorry that link is all joined up.

It’s Work Finder

@theoldapplebarrel You are more than welcome. I totally get you. At one point I had to just ‘let things be’ with our DD, talk and chat here and there when it suited her, be around at present but still attempting to get out and do things knowing she was inside the house (often with the blinds shut). It was very difficult for me, but I had to do it for me, and my mental health. Slowly she started to move, small steps at first and now goes to Uni two days a week. It’s not a subject I would have ever chosen (and is incredibly hard to break into) but I now have to remind myself she finally doing ‘something’ at least.

I still struggle today and like I’ve said has taken a toll but as parents we do as much as we can and more. It’s a challenge we never envisioned and yet there are so many of us going through similar. If I hear or think of anything else I’ll let you know. Take care x

Thank you so much @ChristyLights and @Verbena17. It's really really good to have empathetic words of encouragement.

@Verbena17 your suggestion is really appreciated. I'm sorry that I didn't reply sooner but this week has been fairly full on. Last week was a bit stressful for everyone as our son was invited for an interview for a very basic job at a local takeaway/restaurant. He got terribly anxious about it and was at a real low for a few days beforehand but we encouraged him to give it a go anyway. It sounded like the interview went really well and he came away from it literally with a spring in his step and totally relaxed and cheerful only to be told two days later that he didn't get the job. They were very nice about it but he was quite downhearted for a bit.

But then, following a conversation he had with Crisis following a meltdown a couple of weeks ago, off his own bat he responded by telephone to their invitation to some speaking therapy. A positive thing.

Thank you for you suggestions and the link to Work Finder. We'll definitely have a look. He's very imaginative - he likes writing and reading and he's got an exceptionally good memory. A while ago I suggested he might like to consider becoming a proof-reader. He's very good with words and grammar. It would also be something which wouldn't need the stress (for him) of lots of social interaction and he could work from home.

We looked at online courses together and he signed up and made a start. But the idea somehow faded away. After a few weeks of clearly doing things for this on his computer in his room we became aware he wasn't doing as much on it any more before it ground to a halt altogether. Unlike our daughters who can chat about the stuff they are doing until the cows come home he says nothing and doesn't ask if he encounters challenges so we don't have any idea what is going on in his head so it's really difficult how to help.

He also finds it a real challenge to pursue anything with single-minded determined commitment through to completion. And for us as his parents it's really difficult to strike the balance between offering support and letting him get on with it and doing everything for him and being "always on his case" and therefore de-skilling him and making him feel patronised and even more useless.

I think a lot of it has to do with self-confidence but also the belief he has that he has to be sure the thing he is doing is THE thing that he's going to be doing for the rest of his life and if he's not sure about that it's a "waste of time". Which has been the same story time and again when ever we've encouraged his interest in particular job or career.

We're just waiting and desperately hoping for the right thing to come along which will really "click" with him and he'll get focus and enjoyment in his life. Maybe make some friends too which would be just fantastic.

@theoldapplebarrel gosh that’s a lot of stressful situations for your son this past week. He sounds so much like my son - takes things on /think about new things at times of less anxiety but then drifts off the idea/doesn’t stick to them once the anxiety creeps up again. It’s so tricky - especially when we are trying to think about their future and something longer term.

The proof reading idea sounds like a good one. There’s also content writing - which I did for a while. You can usually limit how much you want to work and also the type of content you want to write. The company I worked for was called Search Sciences LLC. The pay was pretty crap 1p/2p per word so I was only making a couple of hundred quid a month but it was something to do at a time when my kids were younger. But there might be a more niche company he could write content for/manage their social media or website?

Then there are organisations like the police or banks, who openly recruit autistic people - maybe something like data analysis or a live chat assistant?

Have you tried to have a local council Adult Social Work Support Team? They should arrange social worker for you who can help arrange funding for a 1:1 to get your son out and about, get him in touch with groups such as United Response or Light House who support get young adults with disabilities into work or even give him the contact details of the person at your local job centre who is responsible for opportunities for the disabled.
They may also know of any local autism Youth Clubs/Theatre Groups etc where he can meet "his tribe" there are many young adults out there in exactly the same situation as him and having a few friends will really boost his confidence and also give you a break

Fantastic. Thank you for these suggestions. It's really appreciated. We hadn't come across these possibilities before.

I completely understand everyone’s concerns. I have two teenage dcs who are autistic and it is extremely hard. Life is very stressful and I suffer with my own mh as a result.

It’s extremely difficult to manage our own mental health when we’re caring 24/7 for our children who have differences or difficulties. It’s exhausting and sometimes I wonder how we all do it!

The only way I manage to cope is to start every day as if the day before never happened…. a daily clean slate. It gives me the feeling that ‘today can be anything’, so I’m not waking up thinking ‘today is going to be just the same as yesterday’.

Yes I try the same although it is so hard to achieve. Sometimes I have only just started making a cup of tea in the morning and a wave of anxiety and dread hits. As parents, we want so much for our children to be happy and it’s heartbreaking when they’re not. The older they get, the harder it seems to be as the big, wide world can be incredibly difficult to negotiate.

You’re right about getting harder as they get older. Definitely 💯 I’d agree.
I hope you’re ok and manage to carve out a little time for yourself, even if it’s just half an hour here and there.

Goodness, i feel like I'm looking in the mirror. Scrolling on Mumsnet as I listen to my 21-year old (ASD, ADHD) sob as he waits for his anti-anxiety meds to kick in. (I know from experience that talking him down doesn't work) I'll be following up some of these ideas, thanks! No further suggestions, but hope all of our young people find joy and purpose or at least peace.

@SquirrelFan hope your DS is ok and that his meds help him feel more able to cope. 🤗

Yes, absolutely @SquirrelFan our warmest thoughts and good wishes for you and your son. All the very very best.