This is really rather long, apologies - but I've seen posters criticised for drip feeding.
Dd can behave pretty awfully when she is overwhelmed - usually rude and shouty and I bear the brunt of it, she is unreasonable and she levels excoriating criticism at me. I have previously managed it by either shutting down and not really listening to the personal attacks (for self protection) whilst being sympathetic and asking how I can help, or by acquiescing to everything she says - e.g. admitting I am in the wrong when I am not - in the hope of everything calming down. Dh doesn't experience this much as he is rarely home and ds stays in his room out of her way. Just recently I have been trying to set boundaries and calmly call her out on some of the things she says
I have read and researched ADHD and autism so I do understand chronic overwhelm and her day to day struggles but I struggle to unpick what is attributable to her neurodiversity and what isn't. I have googled emotional abuse because her behaviour can certainly feel like that. She has had various therapists and counsellors (including two clinical psychologists and an ADHD coach) but generally tires of them and says they are not helpful or 'rubbish' after a brief honey moon period
It started last Thursday evening. I gave each dog their dinner but the partially sighted one started eating from one of the other's bowl. I gently nudged her with my socked food and directed her to her food - she happily resumed eating her (special diet) food. My dd - who was already quite twitchy and grumpy, yelled at me furiously "Don't kick 'Fido' - you've scared her". Believe me - it was not remotely a kick. I merely used my sock foot rather than my hand to redirect her (I can't squat down due to torn meniscus). I defended myself - calmly- and told her not to speak to me like that and that I hadn't kicked the dog. She stormed off to her room crying - she struggles with emotional dysregulation.
Next day she is off work and my friend phones to come over for a coffee. Dd overhears and says "She is not coming into my house! I hate her. Take her into the summer house in the garden" - its raining and the suggestion isn't reasonable on a cold March day, so I tell dd that my friend and I will sit in my study so that she can avoid her. She doesn't let up with her demand or ranting about my friend, but I hold my ground explaining that my study is a compromise, but this culiminates in her having a full on crying, screaming meltdown - I eventually manage to calm her down.
Saturday morning, Dh takes her into town for a new iphone as her's is broken. I send this text: "Hi, please don't keep dad too long - he needs to walk the dogs today x" and she replies "It will take however long it takes". I decide not to bite, but that response was abrupt and uncalled for. When she comes home I ask her if she has a protective case for the phone (because that's how the other one got broken) and when she replies not yet I looked concerned. This causes her to yell and swear at me and storm off in tears. Sensing a third day of angst I can't handle it anymore and I drive off somewhere to cool off not taking my phone with me. Gone for about half an hour and left her with her dad and brother. In my absence she has another meltdown and apparently convinces herself that I have done something to myself (which never remotely crossed my mind)
She hasn't spoken to me since - what to do? Helpful observations? I have made several overtures which have been ignored.