Autistic Teenage son, sensory issues and family!!

[teamonster34]

My son is 14 and has an autism diagnosis since age 8, He is a lovely kind boy with loads of friends and he copes really well generally. He is a total stickler for the rules so everything he does is completely and totally as it should be, he also has sensory issues regarding smells - one of them being changing rooms at schools - school have been amazing and let him change on his own 5 mins before sport and 5 mins earlier than everyone else, he also hates the smell of Pizza Hut so we avoid it. However my nephew has invited us there for a meal for his birthday next week- he is 9 so completely his choice and I understand that but my son has decided not to go but doesn't mind us going. My mum has gone mad at him for using his autism, as always, to make things go his way and has told him he needs to man up he has been invited out for his cousins birthday and it is disrespectful to not go. When the school allowed him to change at a different time to others she got very cross and says boys smell and he can't just use his autism diagnosis to get his own way.

I have had problems with my parents for years because they don't believe he is autistic and we just use his sensory issues as a cop out so he can get his own way. They will never ever make any adjustments for anything.

He is also a very talented actor and he sings and is part of a local theatre company. Because of his autism they do make certain adjustments for him because they want him to be able to perform without worrying about the bright lights they adjust the lighting on stage for him and also know he gets claustrophobic so allow him time outside between scenes. Mum won't watch him because she thinks is a diva and again using autism to get his own way. He has known from about age 9 that his grandparents don't particularly like him so he doesn't speak to them much anyway.

It just upsets me that they have a very talented grandson and they just think is a wimp and a diva.

Just because he can talk and hold a conversation it doesn't mean he isn't autistic.

So I am now starting to question his future as without adjustments being made to make his life easier he can't cope but with adjustments he can live a relatively normal life. In this new world where autism is recognised a bit more do companies and workplaces help autistic people or treat them the same as nuero typical employees,

I didn’t want your post to go unanswered. There is only one person who knows your son better than you and that person is your son.

Advocating for a person is not only about what we perceive as the ‘big’ things such as finance and health it is also listening.

Your choices are to go to Pizza Hut and have a shit time (your son will have much worse) or you go and your DS does something else.

This event is not dependent on your DS being there to make it a success.

Your DS sounds great!

“Using his autism”!? Your parents sound in such denial about your DS’s diagnosis that they are actively undermining him, and you.

No advice but this must be really hurtful.

My mum has gone mad at him for using his autism, as always, to make things go his way and has told him he needs to man up he has been invited out for his cousins birthday and it is disrespectful to not go

I don't know about adjustments in the wider world but I'd be stopping contact with your M. She sounds toxic,

Sounds like you have a lovely son! I’d try and ignore your parents, I’ve never understood people complaining that autistic people can’t use their autism as an excuse for certain things… despite it being the whole bloody point. My son sounds similar in that he is very much so for the rules and gets anxious if he believes someone is breaking them. That being said I do think it’s healthy to push him sometimes out of his comfort zone to help him grow, otherwise he may get to adulthood and avoid any and all problems that go his way. Not saying he should go to the party if he doesn’t want to, but maybe encouragement would be good, and if he says no still then respect that.

I would go NC or take a big step back from your parents they sound like arseholes. You need to show your son that he is supported and their behaviour is completely out of order, he is already aware that they don't seem to like him - how awful.
Of course adjustments should be made for anyone with autism and it's a legal requirement for employers to make reasonable adjustments for anyone with any disability.
That said I think it's always worth looking at ways to help kids with ASD cope with situations and get involved in things they may otherwise be excluded from (my ds also has ASD). I certainly wouldn't just push him to go - that's not finding a way to cope it's just expecting him to put up with it - but what about nose plugs? (like ear plugs but discreetly block out smell). I guess the question is would he like to go if not for the smell and can you find a suitable way to enable him to cope?

I’m afraid the ‘they’re just using their autism’ thing seems to be quite generational. Our parents era didn’t have the experience of coping with autism and were used to people just being ‘a bit quirky’ as my MIL keeps saying.

Whilst my MIL kind of understands slightly more about our son’s autism, she still says things like ‘but he’s so bright’, as though she just can’t believe he’s autistic! 😩

@teamonster34 have you had a one-to-one, proper sit down chat with your mum and maybe got her to watch the Chris Packham BBC2 programme Inside Our Autistic Minds?
It very much sounds as though she just doesn’t understand autism.

I hope your DS doesn’t feel let down by her and her attitude. I wouldn’t go to the party either - I’d just pop a pressie round to their house another time when it’s quiet.