Help DD say no to a friend in a kind way.

[fortifiedwithtea]

DD is 20 dx global development delay. She is very young for her age and has not learned social skills to manage people. She also has very poor mental health and has been the victim of a serious sexual assault.

DD belongs to a football club where she is the only female. One player is not taking the hint she does not want to go out with him socially. This is a severely disabled man 10 years older than her.

He has got the message that dd is not interested in romance with him. But every few days asks to meet up with her. They are both very lonely people but he is not what my daughter needs. Daughter says she would feel very awkward meeting up with him. Bottom line he is male and too old .

I don’t know what his level of understanding is.
Last night he text shall be meet up before Christmas? Dd replied no thanks. This morning he texted why not?

Should she text him the reason? Should I text him the reason? Should she say nothing until the club meet after Christmas then I can explain to him face to face or can speak to his carer.

He has at least 2 carers. The one that takes him to football is a man similar age. The other I am not impressed with, she’s a woman about my age who stupidly suggested he and my daughter should be boyfriend/girlfriend one day. This really got his hopes up and he repeated this conversation to dd on text. It made her very uncomfortable.

How can dd or me handle this in a sensitive way ?

I have no experience, as my learning disabled daughter is a bit younger and hasn't yet been in such a situation. I am hoping to pick up tips too!

However, it seems to me that the priority must be making her stance very clear so she feels (and is) safe and comfortable. That has to come above sparing his feelings. Our society gets it backward, with the result that women can suffer from unwanted attention or assault. Given your daughter's vulnerability, it would be good for her to practice assertiveness.

Maybe something like this, which is honest and clear and leaves no room for him to hope she will change her mind. "Earlier you said you wanted to go out on a date with me. I don't want that. Because of that, it's too awkward to ever meet up, even as friends. Please stop asking." Best if it comes from her, I think. Then there's no misunderstanding, and he won't imagine that you or his carer are interfering. Plus she gets practice telling people to back off.

If he persists, she'll need to be very blunt.

@Saracen thanks for the reply. It seems the no thanks comment with no explanation has at last done the trick. Daughter has not been contacted all this week. Its been lovely not to have the stress of ‘mum what do I say this’

When your daughter is old enough to encounter this good luck. My daughter went to a main stream secondary until year 10 . Wasn’t bothered as equal number girls/boys.

After a gap which is a whole other story she got into a special school in year 11 and has gone on to extended learning at local college. Now males greatly out number females meaning she has more attention than she would get in a bigger pool so to speak. Generally phrases such as I like you as a friend but do not see you that way work quite well.

Not so good is I don’t want a relationship right now. This gives false hope that at time in the future she could be interested.

The males seem to think as soon as she breaks up with one she is immediately on the market for another boyfriend. Last boyfriend that broke up with her provoked 3 males to ask her out in the same week.

All this unwelcome attention does not flatter her, it actually lowers her self esteem. It makes her feel that nobody is a genuine friend.

I have said repeatedly to her do not go on a date with anyone unless she likes them romantically. The last boyfriend was nice enough but far too young and immature. He would lunge at her and she would cringe, she didn’t fancy him. So he ended it with her and she felt rejected. She should never have gone out with him in the first place.

Another example. A male messaged her. She didn’t know who he was , asked how he got her number. He said she was on a group whatsapp chat. As she is not on any WhatsApp groups she asked him to screenshot it . Turns out someone she did know had shared her phone number into the chat. She thanked him for showing her then blocked his number. Fast forward to this week where she went to a day provision event. She met the person who had contacted her, he asked why had she blocked him. Daughter replied because I don’t know you. He said you are very pretty , will you go out with me? One of the day provision staff had heard all of this and stepped in, telling him that DD is in a relationship (not true ). I am very thankful to the staff member for telling the lie, it got DD out of an awkward conversation.

It all feels very predatory.