What happens to autistic kids who struggle with friendships?

[somewherebecomingrain]

Hello lovely people. I'm struggling with my son's social life, or lack of thereof. I feel like I've absorbed all these messages from society that people with friends have better mental health and am absolutely plagued by them. I'm very relationship-oriented and, at my best, look after my friendships very carefully.

My DS is diagnosed autistic. He's very amiable and a delight when he's relaxed. But around peers he is frequently profoundly socially anxious which he deals with by becoming very annoying to get attention (you can imagine how that works out). He can't maintain a conversation for very long unless it's about flipping Aristotelian ethics or something. He does banter well but can't tolerate it except in tiny doses.

He had no friends by the end of primary school ( we moved a lot so this may have been a factor) then he went to a small middle school and began to make friends. Not close friends. Never saw them outside school, rarely invited any over and never got invited back. But chatted a bit on his phone with them. Occasional phone conversations that sounded like normal conversations between nerdy teenage boys.

DH who's an insane and annoying optimist (with loads of dark depressive waters beneath) kept saying 'see he's found his people'. I was never so sure.

Then DS said he was going out on Halloween with some friends. I got excited. Too excited. Kept pestering him for the details. "I'll drop you wherever you need to be dropped," I said. He kept texting these friends for details. In the end they said 'my mum says people she doesn't know can't come'. I'm not sure many 13-year-olds go trick or treating with their mum and I assume they didn't want him to come because he's too annoying.

He's taking it at face value. This is good - he's not upset - and bad - an example of his lack of understanding of social nuances. Also, somewhere, he does suspect a rejection but he's pushing it to one side.

I know its stupid but this has precipitated a massive implosion of my own mental health. I feel I've let my son down - it took us so long to realise he was autistic and during that time I was so cross with him for not being Mr Popular and playing football. That made things a million times worse for him. Now I got so excited by his apparent Halloween plans I nagged at him to set something up and it ended in a rejection.

Thoughts are flying around my head - does he even care about friends? Is he doing it just to please me? Is he going to have mental health problems at some point because he has so few friends? (He does have anxiety and pick at his palms but I know this is relatively minor on the scale of teenage mental health problems). I keep hearing about autistic people who do have good friends - what happens to the ones who don't manage that? Why can't everybody see how lovely he is? Etc etc.

What's going to happen to him?

And this is before I even get started on worrying about his excutive function problems and will he ever be able to hold down a job...

Sorry, if you have read this far, for the feelings dump. Hope someone out there can relate. At least I've got my (latest) story out in an OP so I can now comment on other threads without writing a novel.

Bless y'all.

PS he's 13

Hi,

My son is only seven but I feel like I could be writing this post in six years time. This sort of thing goes massively round my head too. I thinks they probably do care about friendships a bit less as they are so preoccupied with their inner world. But I also think/hope that social skills can be taught/learnt over time and where you are at at 13 isn’t where you will be at 23. Are there any social skills classes that you can send him too so that he can become a little more self-aware? Or are there any interests that he has where you can join him up to a club?

you sound like a very caring mum 😀

@somewherebecomingrain @Bigcitylights
We only realised our son was ASD two years ago when he was 17, up till then I think I had the same worries. At 13, he had some people he hung around with at school but was never keen on inviting them home or going out with them, although he did if pushed. It got easier as he got older because he was more likely to be grouped together with similar people at school once GCSE courses started. Early on in the Sixth Form a group of similar boys seemed to get together and he would actually instigate trips to the cinema/meals out/paintball. His Sixth Form years were unfortunately messed up with Covid and he subsquently had a breakdown which is when we made the connection to ASD.
Fast forward a year and he is now in his second year at uni where he is living in halls. He loves it (although he had a wobbly start and it wasn't easy at first), he has made a couple of friends and lots of acquaintances. In his third term he started to join some clubs and he enjoys those because he has something in common with the other people there. Being diagnosed with ASD helped us talk about how it affected him, and he realised why his friends didn't want to talk about deep meaningful stuff (he is now studying classics). I let him chatter away about that stuff to me because he needs to have an outlet for it, but he realises it bores most people and keeps conversation with general people much lighter!

He always found it difficult taking turns in conversations and would resist if people changed the conversation topic. However we've talked him through why he found these things difficult. As a result of this, and well as being in an environment that suits him better, he seems quite capable of friendships and small talk now. He still prefers his own company but also enjoys the company of others (perhaps in small doses though).
At the age of 13, your son is still young. I think I was worried about my son's lack of social life at that age but he was actually happier doing his own thing (still is!). If you get too preoccupied perhaps it will make him anxious worrying about why this great social life isn't happening for him. You haven't let him down, but remember it perhaps isn't as important to him as it is to you. He will find people, it can just take a while, but it does seem to get easier as they get older. Is there a local ASD club? My daughter goes to one and has made several friends there.

@VMJ1 and @Bigcitylights thankyou so much for your replies.

I'm really sorry about your son's breakdown VMJ1 - that must have been awful. I'm so pleased to hear he's doing so well now.

Big City Lights you may be one step ahead of me if you can get your head around the idea that he actually doesn't need friendship in the same way a neurotypical kid does. I strongly suspect that a lot of autistic people's so called 'friendship issues' are because other people expect them to have normal social relationships, rather than because they actually want them.

If you get too preoccupied perhaps it will make him anxious worrying about why this great social life isn't happening for him.

^^ This is exactly right.

I do think he's partly trying to make friends because he knows it pleases me. But friendships are so important to me (a few close ones rather than lots of superficial ones) that I can't imagine how anyone could live without them. Even though I know it and I can preach it to other mums with ASD kids.

A thing I find encouraging about your reply VMJ1 is that you can talk more about the 'theory' behind socialising and different personality types. I guess that comes with age. My DS and I can talk a bit but at 13 he's a bit like 'Jesus mum this is cringe'. However, we do have jokes about autism. EG when we're going somewhere together and I turn around and he's disappeared - eventually I find him ten shops back staring through a shop window. That gets me quite cross, and he will make the excuse that he's autistic just to wind me up and its quite funny and defuses everything. That's the beginning I guess of that delicate work of understanding that he is 'different' or more correctly, that everybody is different.

ps both your boys sound delightful

My dd (17) is incredibly lonely to the point it’s taking a terrible toll on her mental health. She’s tried a local ASD club but everyone there was withdrawn and she found it impossible to have conversations with anyone. I don’t know what to tell her. It’s unlikely she will ever go to college, definitely not university, due to her executive functioning difficulties. Where else will she be able to make friends? It’s soul destroying watching her search the front pages of magazines scanning for articles on how to make friends 😭

@Mydoghealsmyheart I'm so sorry to hear how lonely your daughter is. My DD15 was in a desperate place a year ago so I can imagine how awful it is. We've been incredibly lucky in that she wanted to go back to school after nearly a year off, she went down a school year and has managed to make some friendships - although difficult at weekends/holidays as my daughter doesn't have the energy outside of school to do things they do. However if college isn't an option it is really tricky, what other activities does she do?. Perhaps you can pursue the ASD club further. When we first started to go, I couldn't imagine how she would make any friends as hardly anyone spoke. However we had a break from it and went back and different girls were there who were a bit chattier and involved my daughter. Now she's made friends who she sees outside of the club. It helped that I had spoken to the parents - the groups splits in two so the girls and parents have their own space, which is how we made dates outside the group. Also we are aware our girls aren't any good at initiating meet ups, so we set them up for them. My DD loves the fact she has ND friends that understand if she's tired and doesn't have to pretend with them. Can the person running the club help? Surely they could try and initiate some sort of conversation with someone who might have similar interests? My daughter can't start conversations but is OK if someone else talks to her. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for your reply VMJ1. I’m so pleased to read that your dd has formed friendships. My dd is truly desperate for friends. She wakes up crying after dreaming that she has made a friend, only to realise that it was only a dream😭.
Unfortunately her ASD group doesn’t really include the parents in any way and so it’s just at drop off and pick up times that you may see someone. I’ve messaged the organiser several times and they have said there are new girls arriving but then nobody turns up. In the meantime my dd has become so nervous but excited about the prospect of meeting someone new and waits for them to walk through the door. She came out after the group ended feeling so upset and despairing of her situation. It’s agonising to watch her suffer mentally.

Sorry can see this is an old thread but just wanted to say I completely feel the same. I feel obsessed with my child's friendships (13 year old too) and worry so much about them being lonely forever😞

I facilitate as much as I can/am allowed to but much harder in secondary school without knowing the parents. But also I can see he needs so much wind down time too and want to respect that. It's such a hard balance.

We tried going to an autism club relating to their special interest but they've not wanted to go back. Not sure what else to try!

My DC is older than yours but my worries are exactly the same. They tried an autism club but didn't enjoy it and hasn’t wanted to go back. We’re now left with such isolation and depression as a result of having no social interaction.

@Mydoghealsmyheart that must be so heart breaking for you all😞

Does she like animals? Could you take her to an animal centre to volunteer and she might make friends that way?

I have suggested an animal shelter but her depression means that it’s hard to interest her in anything. Then if we overcome her depression, the anxiety is waiting to bite. It’s horrendous.

That sounds so extraordinarily difficult 😞

Thank you for being so kind.

I know this is an old thread but reading through has made me feel so sad and I wondered if anyone had any stories of success to cheer me up? I am going through exactly the same with my two autistic kids, 15 and 12 years old. Everyday my heart breaks for them and I worry so much about what the future holds for them.

DD is 15 and on the waiting list for an autism assessment. She is very isolated at school and spends all lunch and break times in the library reading.

I focus on finding activities out of school where she might meet other ND girls, even if these aren't advertised as such. She has recently joined a Nordic Walking group which she's really enjoying. Walking, not having to talk if you don't want to, plus lots of nature facts from the walk leader, it's perfect for her.

It's a constant worry though, she really wants to have friendships but struggles to maintain them

@Theordinary I was one of the original posters and DD (now 16) had successfully managed to return to school after 6 months off after burnout. Unfortunately 4 months after writing that, she went downhill with fatigue and ended up leaving that school in September. She didn't miss the girls there, the friendships she made were quite superficial in the end. She's now been tutored at home for 8 months and is much happier not having to mask all day. She was desperate to fit in, but ultimately she didn't. Unfortunately she's been too tired to go to the original ASD group as it's quite a long drive, although we have met up with some of the friends a few times on our own.
I wish I could offer some hope but even my daughter is coming to the conclusion that she doesn't get on with many people her own age - to be fair, she's been through a lot and they are too immature to get it. She enjoys conversations with her tutors (who are obviously all much older) and sees her one friend she's known for 5 years. I feel more sorry for my daughter, compared to my son, as she is more chatty and sociable when she's comfortable. My son is much happier pursuing his own interests and enjoys his own company, although has a good friend at college, that's enough for him - he doesn't have to mask in his environment, talking about his special interest is encouraged at his Uni! I'm not sure where she'll fit in, some ND people she's met at a more local group are so different from her she's the odd one out, whereas NT girls her own age have different priorities (ie they are so competitive). I'm hoping as she gets older, she'll meet people who have grown up and are more accepting than the current batch of teenage girls. I'm just happy that while she's at home she's is relaxed and content, she enjoys our company which is something. Like @RhinestoneCowgirl I think interest groups are the way forward as she gets older and hopefully as she recovers from the fatigue she'll be able to give them a go. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

My girl's saviour (touch wood) turned out to be drumming lessons, out of school, with someone cool and well-connected locally. It very slowly but surely opened her world up to more opportunities, and in turn, like-minded acquaintances. Eventually a couple of friendships organically developed. I bribed her with chocolate and a tenner to go once, and then more chocolate to keep going, and after about a year it clicked. No more chocolate required.
It's so hard, isn't it? Solidarity. xx

Thanks for all the replies. I wish I could get them to go along to something. There's an autism group locally every week but DS just won't go, even if we came with him. Maybe I should be tougher and ban all electronics until he agrees to go? Seems harsh though. My DD is so picky about who she would like to be friends with. It's like she wants them to be exactly like her which of course is unrealistic.

@Theordinary Don't take away his electronics, if he doesn't want to go it won't work. My son wouldn't have gone to a group either, he's happy with his own company. Don't make them go to a group just because you are worried they don't have friends. We're learning that autism means doing things your way that suits you, not living your life the neurotypical way. My DS and DD regulate themselves with their phones/devices because the games, music etc calm them down. The world is a confusing place for them so they need to be able to rely on you to understand them and be their voice. To do that they need to trust you, so please don't take away their electronics.

My DD also wants a friend like her, presumably because she thinks they'll understand each other, and it's rare to find someone that 'gets you' when you have particular needs and likes. After leaving school a second time, my DD is realising that NT teenage life isn't for her and that it is OK to be different because now she's happier being able to do things her way. We've been through too much to be tough with our daughter, we're being much more successful helping her work out what makes her happier and going with it. Sometimes though they have to find out the hard way what makes them unhappy/happy and that's not easy to watch.

This is old thread but I’m struggling. DS 14 desperately wants friends but can’t maintain them and doesn’t know what a true friend is because of this. I’ve curated a timetable of activities so he looks active/sociable but these activities just last the allocated time slot and nothing beyond. Meanwhile he’s online plugging the gap and vulnerable because he’s so keen to have friends. We’ve already had issues and I have tried to put safeguards in place but he’s ahead of me tech wise. Looking at severely restricting his time online or removal but no idea what that will do to his mental health. It’s so difficult. I did request a social care assessment but because it looks ok from the outside I don’t think the social worker really understood the problem.

I totally understand your concern. My dd is 18 and we’ve had problems like this for as long as I can remember. Are there any ASD social groups in your area that your son could join perhaps? It might be worth a look.

@Mydoghealsmyheart
Thanks, he doesn’t seem to like groups much. We’ve managed to stick with football and cricket but they just last for the match, training’s hard to get him to keep going with. He’s at a SEN school and I requested boarding but LA said no. I’m currently waiting on a phone call from DSL as he said some inappropriate things in PHSRE. Now he’s interested in girls and curious about sex etc it’s even harder. We don’t have a relationship either where he’s open to discussing things. He’s very closed and a typical teen in that he thinks he knows best. Has your DD developed any proper friendships now?