ASD DD (nearly 20) wants to go to Uni but she dropped out of her A-levels

[sandwiches77]

DD is desperate to go to Uni but dropped out of her A levels due to then undiagnosed ASD. She feels like she has missed her teens and so some extent she has as she was so depressed during these years and spent every day in bed. She is starting to pull through the depression and now has a part time job but she as I say she is desperate to go to Uni. She says she looks at DH and I and doesn't want a boring job like ours. I do understand where she is coming from but I just don't know how to help her. She says she wants to go to Uni but then is procrastinating...

She will need either A levels or a BTEC / Access course? Maybe help her look into a route into university...maybe she needs a plan.

Why did she drop out? Is it too late to go back?

Could she start her A-levels again in a different environment?

Realistically, if she wants to go to university, she will need A-levels or an equivalent qualification, so she will need to find a way of doing this before she can think about the next step.

Are you pursuing a diagnosis?

Orangesandlemons77 I suggested Access or BTEC and got DD very stroppy. It has to be A levels apparently

AlexaShutUp sorry didn't make that clear, she was diagnosed with ASD after she dropped out from her A levels. She found the social side of her studies overwhelming and causing her to drop out, then a CAMHS referral followed, then an ASD diagnosis. Since then she has battled with depression and anxiety

OK, so she will need to go back and do A-levels then. I would just try to support her with that.

Has she already applied to a school or college to start them again? Can't remember when the deadlines usually are but I imagine they will be soon if they haven't already passed.

@sandwiches77

AlexaShutUp sorry didn't make that clear, she was diagnosed with ASD after she dropped out from her A levels. She found the social side of her studies overwhelming and causing her to drop out, then a CAMHS referral followed, then an ASD diagnosis. Since then she has battled with depression and anxiety

Sorry, I have just reread your OP, and you did actually say that. I obviously wasn't reading carefully enough but thank you for clarifying.

I'm sorry that she is having such a hard time.

AlexaShutUp I'm trying to gently persuade her to apply to retake her A levels but again she gets stroppy, sigh... she reckons she can study and take her A levels without any support apparently she is going to enter herself for her A levels.... another sigh

Well, that could be an option, I suppose. I can see why she might want to do that if the social side of school made it difficult for her the first time round.

Might there be some kind of online course that she could enrol on? Or could you afford a tutor to help her?

AlexaShutUp she did do an online course but wasn't motivated to carry on with it. Tutor option is also met with a stroppy response.... sigh... She is fixated on going to Uni and studying alone.. No other suggestions are met with a stroppy response but she procrastinates with studying.... sigh

@sandwiches77

AlexaShutUp she did do an online course but wasn't motivated to carry on with it. Tutor option is also met with a stroppy response.... sigh... She is fixated on going to Uni and studying alone.. No other suggestions are met with a stroppy response but she procrastinates with studying.... sigh

Oh dear, OP. I get your frustration!

Maybe you have no other option but to leave her to figure it out for herself then, if she won't engage with any of the help that you're trying to give. Do you know why she is so set on going to university? It sounds like more social stuff and more study, and she doesn't seem to thrive on either...

I think I would put the ball back in her court and get her to come up with her own plan. If she really wants it, she'll find a way. If she doesn't want to make the effort, then she'll have to do something else instead. You can't fix this for her, however hard you try.

AlexaShutUp she is set on going to Uni because she thinks she will regret not going when she is older. She feels like she has missed her teenage years due to her depression and anxiety and doesn't want to miss out on anything more. She thinks by going to Uni she will avoid doing a boring job that she doesn't enjoy. I do understand where she is coming from but like you say I can't fix it for her

That's the thing AlexaShutUp I want to be able to fix it for her, my heart is literally breaking seeing her struggling. She said that she looks and DH and I and doesn't want a mundane job like we both have. She thinks by going to Uni she will get an exciting job, of course the reality is different.

I get it @sandwiches77. Of course you want to fix it for her. She's your child and you love her and you just want her to be happy. It must be very hard if she isn't willing to help herself.

She seems to want the exciting job without realising that you have to put the mundane work into it to have any hope of getting there. I guess we would all like that really, but it isn't usually how life works. And there are plenty of university educated people who do very dull jobs, so there are no guarantees! Does she have any ideas about what she actually wants to do?

I totally get that you want to help her, and that's your natural instinct as a mum, but if she is rejecting each and every suggestion that you put forward, this might just be one of those situations where a bit of tough love is required and you will have to leave her to learn the hard way.

AlexaShutUp I have tried to tell her that going to Uni doesn't always equal exciting job but I may as well be talking to my pet fish! She asks me whether I regret not going to Uni and what would be my dream job would be.. I am an administrator working from home and she sees it as boring which quite frankly it is, but this is the real world we live in... sigh..

AlexaShutUp I didn't answer your question, she wants to do Maths at Uni and be a Maths professor ... Yes she is good at Maths and she feels that is the only thing she is good at and she is an academic but the reality is that when she did start her A levels her took me to one side and said she wasn't where she should be and was struggling academically. She won't accept that though and is hell bent on going to Uni but she then is either asleep or working. For example, today she said that she wants to do some revision, but she is asleep, I asked yesterday her if she wanted me to wake her up to do some revision (as she struggles to wake herself up) and she said no.... sigh....

I come from a family of academics. They work bloody hard fwiw and put in loads of extra hours, so they do really need to love their subjects... and she doesn't seem to be that interested at the moment.

The thing is, lots of "exciting" jobs come with loads of stress and long hours, so there are usually compromises to be made of one sort or another. And as someone with an Oxbridge degree and a masters, I can assure you that some of my previous jobs have actually been pretty mundane too!

It is a bit disrespectful of her to keep banging on about how mundane your job is. That can't be very nice for you, even if she doesn't mean to be rude. I would be having words about that tbh. I'm a CEO, and the administrators in my organisation do an immensely important job without which the organisation wouldn't function properly at all.

In one way or another, she needs to understand that nothing gets handed to you on a plate, you have to work for it. Even the "mundane" jobs that she is turning her nose up to, to be frank. I'm not sure how you can get that through to her though.

Can you look at some university websites with her and help her research the entry requirements for a maths degree?

AlexaShutUp I don't think she means to be rude, she does tend to say things as they are, she doesn't have a "filter" but I put that down to her being autistic.

She went through a phase of wanting to go to Oxford but quite frankly she isn't academic enough, of course, I haven't been able to say that without knocking her confidence. As I say at the moment it is to become a Maths professor .. but she is asleep and she had planned to do some revision for the A levels that she wants to self-enter...
I try and tell that nothing gets handed to her on a plate and there is a mundane part to every job.....

It’s difficult to battle with the rigid thinking sometimes isn’t it! DS is much younger but gets very fixed on “this is what people my age do so I should do it too” regardless of whether it’s right for him or not. Sometimes I have to step back and let him find out the hard way.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe yep it's her rigid thinking and exactly the "this is what people of my age do so I must do it too" whether it's the right thing to do for her or not. sigh...