School excluded autistic Dd

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd 15, has just been diagnosed with autism. She has emotional dysregulation and struggles to recognise the emotions she experiences, so they are frightening for her. She also has cognitive processing difficulties.

We are awaiting the report from the clinicians, but school are aware and I've explained that Dd has to be allowed time to calm down if she becomes distressed.

Today, Dd became agitated about not being able to work in a space she usually works in, as a girl she's fallen out with was in there. She can be very fixed in her thinking and that distressed her. She phoned me, hysterical, from the toilets and I contacted school who reassured me that they knew where she was and she was safe.

The deputy head then tried to insist Dd went to her lesson and according to Dd he was talking too fast for her. She said 'stop talking please' and he continued to insist she speak to him, despite another teacher suggesting she take Dd on a walk. Obviously Dd got more agitated and distressed and has now been excluded for a day for being rude to the deputy head.

I'm just frustrated as this situation is entirely predictable and I'm not sure what they are doing to support her disability.

Oh dear. First of all, you need to ask for a meeting with the Head and the Senco to discuss making a written plan of action for managing your daughter's difficulties in school. They have a duty of care to ensure that she is safe and can access the curriculum - that is her right. It's clear that reasonable adjustments need to be made, and now that she has her diagnosis you can insist on them (but in my experience you will have to use your elbows!)

Make sure that you are well-informed: download and read the school's policies which should be on their website. Make notes which use can use during the meeting. If they try to railroad you by blaming your daughter for being rude, you can counter by explaining that "stop talking please", while a rude comment from a NT child, is a cry for help and a genuine expression of desperation from an autistic child who is in sensory overload and close to meltdown. They should already know this - this is their failure, not hers. The notes will help you keep the meeting on task: to discuss how your SEN daughter has been allowed to become so distressed in school that she is hysterical in the toilets, and how - specifically, and in writing - they are going to prevent it going forward.

Do not allow them to suggest a reduced timetable or other radical solution that involves excluding or isolating your daughter. She has a right to be there, to be educated and to have adjustments made in light of her diagnosis. She should only leave if you, and she, feel that that is what is right for her. Not because the school SLT think it would be easier.

Stay calm. You can be forceful without being rude and angry without losing control.

I meant to add - as what learning support facilities they have that they can offer your daughter to help her manage stressful times in school. Is there a learning support room/hub that they can give her a pass for, so that she can withdraw in an emergency? Can they give her a linked learning support worker, or a named teacher, who she can go to if she needs support or to phone home urgently?

Keep their feet to the fire: they need to step up and provide an appropriate environment for her needs. Not blame her for struggling.

I would ask for a meeting with the SENCo at the school to discuss your daughter's needs and how the school intend to support her. It would be helpful if you have the diagnosis report at the meeting as your 'evidence.'
It would be worth discussing with the SENCo, the possibility of applying for an EHCP for your DD. If she gets one, the school will receive funding to support her and will have to account for how they are meeting her special needs.

She can work in the separate learning area but other students are often in there too and she has significant friendship issues. She doesn't like change and there have been occasions when she has been told she can't work in there. She can't always (or usually) cope with lessons at all. She absolutely can be disruptive at times - but she rarely has meltdowns at home, because I know how to support her.

She said the deputy head followed her around school and even knocked on the door of the girls' toilets when she was just trying to get away

I've applied for an EHCP and had the meeting with the SENDCO already - which is why I'm so annoyed that this has happened.

The report is going to take another 2 weeks unfortunately- but I'll pass that on as soon as I get it.

@WhoisRebecca

She can work in the separate learning area but other students are often in there too and she has significant friendship issues. She doesn't like change and there have been occasions when she has been told she can't work in there. She can't always (or usually) cope with lessons at all. She absolutely can be disruptive at times - but she rarely has meltdowns at home, because I know how to support her.

She said the deputy head followed her around school and even knocked on the door of the girls' toilets when she was just trying to get away

The "rudeness" they've excluded her for was entirely the product of this woman's hamfisted and ignorant handling of a distressed student. There's no excuse for a teacher - let alone a member of SLT - having such a woefully poor level of awareness. I'd be furious, OP. I was, in fact, when we went round and round this merry-go-round with DS1, who is now thankfully at uni and well out of it. He actually hasn't had a meltdown since the day he left school.

If the learning support room isn't a suitable retreat for her, for good reasons, then they need to work with you to come up with a plan that does work for her. She could have a pass, for example, which she can show when she is becoming dysregulated, which allows her to go to the toilets/an agreed quiet space/school office and phone you. You know your daughter - they need to listen to you, and her, and make a plan rather than lazily throwing punishments at her.

@sadpapercourtesan it was a male deputy head, which I think makes it more out of order that he was knocking on the door of the toilets.

[quote WhoisRebecca]@sadpapercourtesan it was a male deputy head, which I think makes it more out of order that he was knocking on the door of the toilets.[/quote]
Good grief, I assumed it was a woman, because what male deputy head in his right mind would intrude on a distressed female student in the bloody toilets?

I would most certainly be pointing out to them the extreme stupidity of his actions, and I would want them to acknowledge that had he used his fucking loaf, your daughter wouldn't have ended up excluded. Put much more politely, of course.

We have a reintegration meeting before she returns to school - I'm bracing myself for it.

That's good - I would send an email now, setting out the main points that you would like to discuss, and requesting that the Senco be there as well. Without wishing to sound pugnacious - this is your chance to turn this around and make it about your daughter's welfare/education and how they are going to provide for her. Don't let them control the narrative and make it about her perceived bad behaviour - it isn't.

Also - my son never had an EHCP or a statement (they keep changing it, I don't know the acronym now) and the school were still obliged to make reasonable adjustments for his needs. Your dd has a diagnosis - you don't have to wait for anything else to hold the school accountable.

I feel stressed by it all. I have had to fight for everything.

I know it's exhausting, and demoralising. I used to shake before meetings at DS1's school. And afterwards. I used to look at him and think "no wonder you're breaking down, having to deal with these people and this place every day".

It's worth it, though.

I know. It's so hard - I am struggling to cope at work and just not doing a good job at the moment because I am so worried by it. I don't understand why school can't be more supportive of Dd.