DS 11 and possible high functioning ASD

[TheMemSaab]

My lovely 11 year old DS has always coped pretty well with life, but DH and I have on occasion wondered if he has Aspergers or some form of high functioning autism. Reasons being:

He has fairly obsessive interests such as trains/transport, veganism. He can talk on trasmit endlessly about his topics of interest.

He is not great a getting when someone is joking or being sarcastic. My older DD often pauses TV shows and films they are watching to explain the interaction going on between people.

He is massively sensitive. I don't know if this is an autism spectrum thing or not. But he can get really upset about something said or done that most children his age would not think twice about. And he is quite senstive physically too, to knocks and scrapes and cries easily.

He has always coped well at school - very bright and although he is not the most confident socially he has usually had a few friends. And in the last year we have moved house to a new area and he had to start year 6 at a new primary. He coped so well with that.

But he has now started year 7 at a big secondary school. Again I think he is coping pretty well but I just wonder if he is going to struggle with some of the social stuff as time goes on. There have been a couple of tearful moments when DS has come home has told me things said to him. One boy this week telling DS that he is too skinny (he is pretty skinny!) and DS now saying he hates his body. I think the boy that said this actually likes DS and has been quite friendly otherwise, so I don't think he intended to cause upset. But DS seems devastated and thinks this boy should apologise and can't understand why he is acting like he did nothing wrong.

I am not sure where I would start with a diagnosis - GP, school? And how to talk about it with DS without harming his self esteem. And is it worth it - is DS just a bit sensitive and geeky actually?

I'd keep an eye out for any signs of him not coping and make sure he's not masking. Does he get tetchy or explode when he gets home and need some quiet time to process his day before being able to relax with the family?

You can work with him to try and get him to be a bit more flexible in his thinking. It's a very long term project, but it'll help him to not see things in absolute black and white terms, like the intensity of his reaction to the 'skinny' comment.

The transition to secondary is immense, so many different places to be with the right kit, a different teacher for every subject and a whole new plethora of social rules and groups to understand, which ramps up every year.

If he has autism, then it's generally the case that he'll cope until such time as he doesn't. Also remember neurodiverse kids tend to be emotionally around two thirds of their chronological age so they don't cope so well as the difference between what they like to do socially and what their peers like to do widens.

If he mentions anything about being different or says the other kids are saying he's weird etc. (awful, but it happens) then that's a good time to have a talk about being different but emphasising different does not mean wrong as many times as you can.

e.g. Petrol fuelled cars, electric cars, diesel fuelled cars and hybrid cars are all cars and will do the same things, none are 'wrong' but they are all different.
A mac system is different to Windows, but they both get the same results even though they process things differently.

For diagnosis, you can have a word with the school SENCO, some are amazing, some are useless and a lot fall between those two extremes. Some don't care if his academic ability is on a par with his peers, they just ignore all the social, emotional and sensory difficulties. If you get a good one, they should support you in seeking a diagnosis for him. If you don't then go it alone.

First step whether or not SENCO will support you is is to see your GP on your own and take a list of observations you've made about your son and how he's different to his peers, particularly with regard to these areas.
" “persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), present since early childhood, to the extent that these “limit and impair everyday functioning”. "
More info www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/getting-diagnosed/how-to-get-diagnosed/

BlankPost thank you so much for reading my post and for your reply. It's really helpful, especially the part about "neurodiverse kids tend to be emotionally around two thirds of their chronological age". DS has always been a bit young in how he acts, but it's so hard to judge what falls in the "normal" range isn't it? My DD is the opposite in that she has always been very mature for her age and keen to be doing what older kids are doing. So DS has always seemed immature next to her. He still likes to sleep with a stuffed unicorn with a pink mane, bless him!

We had a good chat about the skinny comment in the end. I told DS about when I first met DH and some of the silly things he said to me on early dates that could have put me off him! He seemed to get that people sometimes say things that we don't like, but they don't mean to cause harm and he's since forgiven the other boy and enjoyed being his friend again. One small success!

I will try and speak to the school SENCO at some point and sound him/her out. And think about talking to a GP. Thanks so much.