How do you handle bad language?

[HolaVida]

How you handle the kind of language that comes with a meltdown? ASD DD 15 often swears at us when she's panicked/overwhelmed/stressed. (Maybe once or twice a week, not everyday)

For a time there has been zero tolerance eg she loses her phone for 24hrs but it a) isn't a deterrent and b) means she can't keep up the little social contact she does do online.

It's really important that her siblings see us doing something, rather than her, yet again, behaving terribly with no consequences. (which is how they view it)

I don't take it personally as I know the kind of state she's in when she speaks like that - but surely there's also growth for her to be had in learning to manage her outbursts etc??? arghhhhh

Any advice?

Have you had a look at this:

www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/pbsfamilycarerresource2019.pdf

It's aimed at family carers for people with learning disabilities, but maybe you can pick out some strands, which may be useful to you with DD?

Certainly where DD lives, they have a Positive Behaviour Support Team, including a clinical psychologist and social workers. We can't stop her swearing and neither can The Positive Support Team. There are no punishments. They do use Social Stories. I always advise them to use distraction; quiet calm people who are smiling; exercise (walking outdoors in green spaces) and avoid artificial food colourings (which send DD hyper and she does not have ADHD).

I don't see the point myself of punishing someone for what they do in a meltdown - they are not thinking rationally and it's better to look at the antecedents and try to stop the triggers from happening. In DD's case, it's usually frustration and lack of comprehension (people talking too fast or using abstract language). She interprets people being firm or ordering her about, as shouting at her.

You don't say how old the siblings are, but once ours were older, we just had to tell them, there was one set of rules for us and them in society; but we had to have another set for DD, because DD's brain is different. DD is never expected to be a functioning member of society, she is never going to be able to work; so arguments about how she has to fit in with the adult world are irrelevant! I am grateful that most of the time, we could take her into a restaurant and she knows how to behave; or if she needs a cannula put in, she doesn't make a fuss!

PS - DD a does not have severe learning disabilities either; but an unfortunate aspect of residential care is that they tell her, she is an adult and can do what she likes - which she takes to heart,meaning swearing is an adult thing to do!

My son is 13 and when he was little his meltdowns were full on high pitched screaming. Now he is a teenager it is full on swearing. My DH goes mad and tries to get him to stop but actually during a full meltdown this isn't possible - he often shouts and screams at us - he doesn't mean it it is just his way of dealing with it. Tonights meltdown was over some formatting on his computer that went wrong, it was all my fault and then my husbands and they were several obscene words flying around but he was angry- I find if you leave him it is over quickly and often he will apologize after but DH goes right back at him tonight telling him to stop the bad language hence tonights meltdown lasted well over 90 minutes and both my son and DH have gone too bed hating each other. I know swearing and anger during the teenage years isn't just down to ASD teenagers so I think (and hope!!) that when puberty is over maybe he will be more able to deal with problems as they occur. I also have a 15 yr old NT DD and she swears occasionally but not in the same way my son does. DH says I am too soft on him - autistic or not nad language should never be tolerated.