Help please - trying to keep the peace!

[Wimpling]

Hi, I'm hoping someone can help as I'm struggling!

I have 3 DSs, pre-teen to mid-teens. The middle one , DS11, is waiting to be assessed for autism but the CAMHS waiting list is 18 months+. His behaviour doesn't cause a problem at school - he's timid and compliant - but at home he's angry! He's on a hair-trigger and nothing at all will set him off yelling and screaming about whatever's not fair. He threatens to kill us all and then himself - I think it's a cry for attention rather than a serious threat but it's not great

I get that he's letting off steam at home because he has to contain everything at school but I'm worried about the effect on my youngest DS - he gets the brunt of DS11's anger because he makes a lot of noise, and he's smaller and easy to threaten and intimidate. The oldest one despises DS11 because he thinks he's weird and unreasonable and either ignores him or sometimes winds him up for entertainment

We're trying to encourage DS11 to take himself out of the situation to somewhere quiet where he can calm down because that seems to be the only thing that works, but even when he's not upset he's still rude and angry and it's making family life miserable. Any activities or fun get spoiled and I'm sick of being a referee! What can I do? What's worked for you?

I think you are along the right lines with give him space & lots of it so he can recharge his batteries especially after school. Does he have his own room to retreat to? Honestly, we used to let ds1 disappear into his room & not engage with him till he was ready to come out. You can also play the divide and conquer trick so one parent do something different with him to the other two. If we went out as a family it invariably ended in disaster (both of mine have an ASC) but going out separately we were much more likely to have a good time.

My brother has asd, he found going for a long daily walk really helped calm him.

Thanks for your replies

He does have his own room but he doesn't always like going to it so it is tricky to encourage him to take time out without it seeming like a punishment for a meltdown. It does seem to be what works best though!

We haven't tried separate activities because with so many different kids' activities we don't get a lot of family time together. But it's a really good suggestion - individual attention is probably the way forward!

DS11 is a bit lazy - long walks aren't really his thing - but they do help to calm me down when it gets a bit much so maybe we'll need to make it a mum-son activity!

Could you add things to his room to make it a place he wants to stay in to relax and chill?

What would he like in there to make it attractive to him?
What would he like in there to help him feel calm and secure?

Homemade sensory area or pop-up tent, with calming things he would like, e.g. bubble lights, soft battery powered lights, different textured and different hardness/firmness cushions, spiky balls, morph suit, body rollers, resistance bands, fidgets, pilates ring, Flare Calmer, ear defenders, weighted lap pad or blanket.

You could teach him calming breathing techniques or there are apps, calming sounds he likes, again loads of apps or youtube. Does he like ASMR, there are lots of different types on youtube.