DD 18 ASD

[sandwiches77]

DD will be 19 soon, struggling with friendships

Refuses to wash, wear a bra, shave her armpits and gives me daggers when I suggest any of those things

Dropped out of college due to social side and we supported her to do online study for her a levels. For whatever reason she hasn't completed the course.

I am sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks as I don't know what to do any more 🤔

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I know this thread is from a few days ago but I was looking on SN threads and I saw it came up and I see you haven't got any replies so I thought I would try to give you some advice.

Honestly if your daughter doesn't want to wash or shave or wear bras then that's ultimately her personal choice. I know it seems disgusting to not wash but she is an adult who can't be forced to do those things. However, the not washing may be a part of her not having many friends as I know people can be cruel especially to people who lack basic hygiene. The not wearing a bra or shaving wouldn't worry me though as there are some feminists who think it is misogynistic so maybe she's taking a political stance on that and she can have her own views.

In regard to study I would let her to do it in her own time. She doesn't have to complete an A level, maybe that's not her thing and she would prefer to do a vocational course. She may not be emotionally ready to complete an A level and I wouldn't push too hard, perhaps suggest she get a job instead if she hasn't already got one. Also, maybe try getting her some therapy to help encourage her to be more confident to make friends and she may also be persuaded to have basic hygiene then too.

Sorry I'm no expert in ASD but I am on the waiting list to be tested and I have family members who are diagnosed so take my advice with a pinch of salt.

Also, if she has ASD then she might have sensory issues with wearing certain types of bras. Some people can get really frustrated with tags or tight clothing or certain materials. Have you tried buying different kinds of bras for her? Also try different soaps for washing. Shaving could also be linked to this as I have heard some ASD boys will scream if they have their head shaved so maybe she does not like the sensation and it can feel really bad for someone with ASD. HTH

Thanks for the replies - I have considered sensory issues but no talking to her about it at the moment

I have tried to gently point out that the not washing etc isn’t going to help her make friends etc but she isn't ready to hear that

I have suggested a vocational course and/or a job but she is hell bent on A levels

Ah okay, patience is what's needed here I think. She'll come around eventually. Most teenagers do and between then and now you just need to have patience and be supportive to her. She'll then see that you're only trying to helpful eventually.

I know you are right, hard to watch them hurting

I know it is hard, but even with her SN she is an adult now, she'll be ready to fly the nest soon (assuming she has mild ASD and not severe or moderate if she's been able to complete GCSEs/BTECs to move onto A levels) so she needs to be able to cope with her struggles independently. When she is older, she may be more open to your advice. It depends on how you act now and her overall personality. Just go with your instinct as a mother for now. That's the best thing you can do in your situation.

My Dd1 is the same, she’s 17, she does attend school and is doing A levels but only has 2 friends who are possibly on the spectrum too but her friends are only at school part time and dd is full time so there are days where she’s all alone.

Both my DD’s struggle with hygiene, it drives me nuts, they won’t shave their legs, have to be forced to bath/shower and wash hair, I have to remind them every day to apply deodorant and to brush teeth, dd2 will go to bed in her clothes.

I also point out to them that people are not going to want to be friends with someone who smells and has greasy hair but they don’t change and don’t care.