Advice please re school

[AnaS]

Posting for advice before I send a strongly worded e mail to school. Happy to be told I’m over reacting! 14yr old dd recently diagnosed autistic and struggling to adjust, particularly at school. She has always masked at school but now feels she has ‘permission’ to be autistic more frequently. Up until now school have been very good. Senco lead devised care plan. Passes for leaving class if she becomes overwhelmed . Allowed to wear headphones if too noisy etc.
On Thursday she phoned my husband at break time (I was at work) in a panic. She was crying that she felt like she was very angry and wanted to hit out. She isn’t a violent person and would never actually hit someone. She didn’t know why she was angry. Reluctantly my husband went to school and they fetched her and she broke down when she saw him. He ended up taking her home as they couldn’t get her to calm down.
Her pastoral lead phoned him later. He explained that he knew it was against the rules but had no option. She was very nice and said it was fine. He asked her to have a chat with her the next day to find out if there is something bothering her.
Yesterday she came home saying that she had missed a chunk of her maths lesson as she was very upset. Turns out pastoral lead basically told her off for breaking about 5 school rules and threatened sanctions if she did it again!
Husband is livid!

I think I'd have a word with the school, although bear in mind that you have to work with them so it's perhaps best to word this carefully. What your DD is reporting might be a misunderstood version of the conversation and what was implied.

Could you point out that threatening your DD is counterproductive and will just lead her to withdraw more? If she is less able to cope in school given her diagnosis, perhaps mention this and say you're trying to find ways to reverse this. Does your DD have anything to say about this and why it is? I don't know your DD, so don't know what works, but from experience I don't find sanctions very useful.

Thank you. DH and I have been chatting today after calming down before sending the e mail. As we only have DD version we are going to tread carefully but basically what you said. Ask what was said. Explain that she may have misinterpreted the conversation as a threat. We feel that she should be able to contact us when she is panicking but school has a zero policy on mobiles. Hoping she can go via reception next time as at the moment she doesn’t feel able to. Hoping they can help.

She certainly should have a way of getting in touch or somewhere safe she can go if she's panicking. My DD probably wouldn't ask anybody for help (doesn't even if desperate) but fortunately her school allow mobiles (only for use at break and lunchtime). She has sometimes texted me and I've had to get the school to get her out of class. This took a bit of explaining as they expect the student to take the initiative. Good luck with the school.

You're not overreacting.

Just because she has always masked at school doesn't mean the problems that were there before she was diagnosed are not still there. Clearly school is a very stressful place and she needs more support than she's getting.

Schools have a duty to make reasonable adjustments for disabled pupils. A reasonable adjustment here would be that your daughter is allowed to have a mobile phone so that she can contact you when she feels totally overwhelmed. They also need to look at other policies where they can make adjustments.

What I find most concerning is that she had the overwhelming urge to hit out but didn't know why. This could be an indication that school is not meeting her needs.Has something at school changed recently? Does she have an EHC Plan?

Sorry forgot to post this link:

www.equalityhumanrights.com/sites/default/files/reasonable_adjustments_for_disabled_pupils_1.pdf

Good point about the mobile being a reasonable adjustment, @Ellie56.

Thanks all. That’s a very useful link @Ellie56. May use that if our e mail doesn’t help. I don’t think anything has changed this week but obviously everyone returning to school when she has been there in very small numbers before hasn’t helped. We don’t have an EHC plan but the senco has devised a personalised care plan for her.

Would she agree to go to the school nurse if she is having problems? And the nurse will call you if necessary? I think if you leave the door open to her contacting you during school hours to be collected, you are a) not encouraging her to work within the school system - it would be better to put something in place within the school to support her ie start as she means to go on sort of thing b) if she was allowed to contact you it would possibly be starting something which will be a huge stress and time demand for your family. If my daughter had the option of contacting me to pick her up during the school day I would be at the school every day!