Our son is 19. Let’s call him Jed. Jed was diagnosed with high functioning Asperger’s and dyspraxia when he was about 10. Jed went to a mainstream school and college. Jed suffered bullying at primary and secondary school and at college. Jed knows he is different and desperately doesn’t want to be. He wants to fit in.
Jed now has a part-time job (which he loves) and like many teenagers, spends a lot of time on his PlayStation and watching football.
Jed has always had some level of OCD. For example, if I leave the kitchen, he insists that the back door be locked even if I am only going to the front of the house. Going out with him (which incidentally, I sadly can’t remember the last time that happened), he will be a backseat driver and constantly pointing out what he considers potential hazards and/or potential threats i.e. any person walking along the street could potentially be going to steal my handbag/mug me etc. I have many more examples but if I waffle, you might stop reading.
I came downstairs yesterday morning just as Jed was about to put his boots on at the front door to leave for work. The first thing he said to me was “don’t forget to wash your hands before you start preparing your breakfast“. He then followed me into the kitchen and his second comment was “don’t put your socks on the island!“ .
I took my socks to the front door and left them with my trainers (that was always my intention) and returned to the kitchen only for Jed to follow me again and have a melt down as I didn’t wash my hands before turning the coffee machine on. I use the term melt down but I’m not sure that’s right. Hissy fit? Strop? Minor tantrum? Kicked off?
Last night, I came in from walking the dog and Jed was watching the football. He jumped up as I came through the front door and the first thing he said is about me washing my hands once I’ve put the dog stuff away. He waited in the hallway and watched me while I took off the lead, untied my laces etc etc. And he stayed there while I put my shoes away, went to the kitchen to put the dog stuff away, came back to hang my coat up and then once I’d washed my hands (and it had to be in the downstairs cloakroom, not the kitchen), he went back to the football.
All the time he was watching me, standing over me, not trusting me.
I’m hygienic but I’m not sterile, and I don’t want to be. I wash my hands when I come home, after handling the dog’s raw food, before food prep/eating, after using the toilet, after emptying the bins etc
This morning, I put my clean socks on the edge of the island while I started to make my morning coffee (clean, not been worn since last washed type of clean) and that upset Jed. He grabbed them while yelling at me “I’ve told you so many times! Socks don’t belong on the surface where you prepare food!”. I clean the surface regularly and always before preparing food.
As more background, Jed has left for work this morning leaving crumbs and butter on the work surface in the kitchen, crumbs on the table where he ate breakfast, his empty yoghurt pot on the side by the bin (but not inside). His bedroom has 3 empty mugs and 2 empty glasses on a bedside table, dirty laundry overflowing from his laundry basket on to the carpet and although not as bad as some teenage bedrooms that I’ve seen, is still messy and he only cleans it fortnightly at the most.
So it’s not that he is OCD re hygiene in general. The bathroom, which he shares with his sibling, is similar.
I love Jed so very very much and I hate that at the moment, we are constantly in conflict it seems. I try, every single day, to find positive things to say to him. I compliment and praise him wherever I can but these days, I do sometimes struggle to find things. And I’m on edge the whole time when I know he’s in the house.
If he hears me open the laundry room door, he will be there like a shot to remind me to wash my hands when I’ve finished with the laundry. And to wash them specifically in the downstairs cloakroom. Not in the kitchen! He is worried that a speck of laundry powder could get into the food and kill us.
What should I do?
Jed thinks that we all have the problem because we don’t follow his rules (he is similar with his dad and sibling although not so much, perhaps because they are not here so much do to work and school) . He doesn’t think that he has any issues and so is not prepared to talk to anyone/do anything.
Please can anyone offer any advice, guidance, suggestions please?
Thank you so much for reading this far.