Please may I get some ideas/tips for how to cope/deal with this behaviour?

[Happytodayhappytomorrow]

DS is in his late teens. High functioning Aspergers plus dyspraxia.
No statement.
Attended mainstream school, now has a job.

He has some OCD traits, 1 of which involves hygiene in the kitchen.

Examples.

I opened the oven, went to remove the grill tray and he screamed at me because the sleeve of my jumper had gone over the oven door.

If I open the cupboard that houses the kitchen bins, I have to wash my hands before doing anything else.

Nothing can be thrown away in the kitchen bins while any cooking or food prep is going on.

I opened the back door to let the dog out, so I then need to wash my hands before I can pick up the tongues to turn over the food that's under the grill.

DS insists on getting his own cutlery and plate at meal times and rinses it under the tap before using it.
But, after cooking, he doesn't use washing up liquid as he says that stays on the saucepan / wok etc and is gross.

The fork for the dog's food shouldn't go in the dishwasher. When food scraps are being scraped off a plate into the food bin, the plate can't touch the food bin even though said plate is going in the dishwasher.

DS gets really aggressive if I don't follow these rules. He will stay in the room deliberately to watch and see that I wash my hands when he thinks I should.

I think I keep a clean house and have good hygiene standards but I don't want to live in a sterile environment and follow DS's rules.

I'm doing it all wrong just now as we are arguing big time when we are in the kitchen together. He hates me and I don't much like myself.
DS has always insisted that there is nothing wrong with him so no need for him to seek help or support; it's me and the rest of the family who are in the wrong.

We can't go on like this. DD is home revising today and she and I have both been in tears.

I need some tips please for how to handle these situations as this can't go on.

TIA

It’s a tough one, some of the rules he follows are rules I follow, others don’t make much sense. If you can then you could go through several of these rule with him, ask him what will happen if you don’t follow the rule? For example the plate touching the bin, what will happen if it does touch the bin? Because the plates going straight into the wash anyway so it doesn’t matter if it touches germs from the bin? Maybe agree with him that some of the rules are ok, washing your hands after touching the bin is something I have to do but I don’t need to wash my hands after touching a door handle.

I know it’s hard as my dd often won’t even listen to my opinion because she thinks her opinion is the only opinion 🤣.

Thanks for the post Lovemusic.
I’ve tried reasoning with him re the plate going into the dishwasher afterwards and being washed thoroughly at a high temperature but he just says “it doesn’t matter. It still shouldn’t touch the bin”.
Some of his reasons are fair (bins hold germs. I get that.) but literally this very minute, I’d just washed my hands because I’ve been to the Post Office and then I patted my back jeans pocket to feel if I’d left my keys in there and he shouted at me to wash my hands again.

It’s hard isn’t it? My dd thinks she’s always right and often won’t even let me argue my point so it’s hard to get them to see differently. I think OCD is pretty common with ASD, especially those who are high functioning due to the need for routine so doing these small things become routine and makes them feel safe.

Honestly?

I wouldn't tolerate it and he'd be told he's banned from the Kitchen. There are some behaviours i'll tolerate (14yo with ASD/ADHD/Dyspraxia and others) and some i won't.

Dictating MY behaviour is one i WILL NOT tolerate, at all, even slightly.

His behaviour sounds threatening and he'd be told he's not allowed in my kitchen, and that he needs to get help for his germ obsession.

OR Tell him if he wants to dictate how you behave in your own home then make it clear he can do his own cooking/washing up/whatever in the kitchen when you have finished.. and he's not allowed in there while you're cooking/prepping/washing up around your meals.

This is the kind of behaviour that needs stamping out and quickly.

If he's aggressive to the point of scaring you, he needs help or finding somewhere else to live.

The more you pander to this kind of thing, the more he will push.

This advice is coming from an adult with an Austistic sibling who tried this kind of rubbish, and my mom didn't tolerate it from him either.. nor will i.

thank you for the posts.

I think that I need to lay down some ground rules whereby DS has to ask to enter the kitchen if I am in there. I do know though that I also need help to control my reactions to his outbursts. It's got so bad at the moment that sometimes I am not holding it together and I become a screaming fishwife and then hate myself.

Moving out isn't an option; he's on minimum wage and property prices around here are exorbitant. I also don't want him to leave. He's my son who has issues and needs help.
We had a short walk together today at lunchtime and all afternoon he has been the lovely DS that I know he can be.
I'm off to talk with him about kitchen rules now. Wish me luck.

Fingers crossed the kitchen talk went well. I would encourage him to concentrate his rules/rituals on himself, therefore not to be in the kitchen when your cooking. Enjoy the good times and remember each day is a new one. He has done remarkable well to manage mainstream and be working. Best of luck have a lovely Christmas time.

DS agreed immediately with my suggestions. Let’s see what today brings.

Thanks for your post Reader. I take great comfort from the fact that his boss and work mates all adore him (he got a small pay rise last week and was chuffed to bits) and the members of the public who he is in contact with think he’s wonderful.

I remember being told years ago, and how true this is I don’t know, that DS only kicking off at home with me is a sign of how confident he is of my unconditional love and I should take it as a compliment.
Whether it’s true or not, I don’t care. It keeps me going on the dark periods .

Please don't think i don't sympathise.. i probably came across a little strong as i came across your post when i was reeling from one of DS's outbursts that caught me off guard in the middle of a discussion about recent behaviour at school.. so i was as annoyed with myself for not anticipating his explosion, as much i was still generally emotional/upset over the situation in general as he tried to hit me.

Your son has done SO well to be where he is, i honestly dont know if mine will ever achieve doing anything independently of me/my care, but i hope he can as he matures.

Sorry to hear what you are going through Calabasa; I think your post actually helped me so I'm glad you said what your did.

Last night, when DS was serving up his own dinner (I was waiting for DH who was late home) an incident occurred. I reached out, near his food, to retrieve a spatula. DS went into vitriol again and this time I was able to calmly tell him that it was unacceptable for him to impose his level of rules and restrictions on me. I told him that I have and always will keep my families health and safety paramount when dealing with food and hygiene matters but that I will not be dictated to by him and live to his levels, which I consider to be obsessive.

He went quite and said "ok".
How long it will last I don't know. But I will remember the words I used and keep using them.

I feel your pain re your DS doing anything independently. It's scarily there at the back of our minds all the time isn't it? We just want them to be happy. DS is so not happy and it breaks my heart.
Onwards and upwards. Sending you

My Ds is nearly 15. Ever since doing food tech at school has tried to police me in the kitchen. Questioning what I buy, sell by dates, how long I freeze things for, how old the eggs are etc. I have told him that I run the kitchen my way. I buy the food for the family and he is welcome to eat it, but I do not want to be questioned endlessly about it it or indeed be ‘told off’. I also have said that when he gets his own place one day he can put what he likes in the kitchen as it will be his. Everything in date order and colour coded 🤪. He doesn’t like it, I accommodate for him in so many ways and he knows it. But I won’t allow him to dictate to me on every little detail in the kitchen. Surprisingly he accepts this as a ‘rule’