Dd wants to go to uni but has no life skills, can’t wash her own hair etc...

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Dd is almost 17, she has diagnosis of Aspergers, dyspraxia, hypermobility and hypertonia. She’s currently doing A levels and is working towards going to a top end uni, she’s very very bright but has hardly any life skills, he coordination is very poor so doing simple tasks like washing her hair, cooking, housework is really tricky for her. We only have a bath at home, she has never used a shower, I have been trying for 2 years to get OT to come out so we can get the housing association to fit a shower (because of the design of our bathroom it will need re plumbing). I have to remind her twice a day to brush her teeth and to apply deodorant, she only baths when I tell her too. I feel like I have failed her because she can’t do these things, maybe I should have tried harder to help her find ways to do them herself (though I have tried, I don’t just do everything for her).

She has talked about possibly taking a gap year but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea as she loves the structure of being in education.

How can I help her prepare to be independent so she can survive at uni? I know she will be able to get some support at uni but she won’t want someone helping her with personal care.

For the practical, organisational side, then would alarms on her phone work...... 'remember to do this now'
For 'ordering things / remembering to do things when she gets up' would a visual timetable / pictoral reminder strip / written list stuck above the sink or wherever help her routine?

Does she have support at school ?
Is there an Autism Support service in your LA who might be able to make further suggestions ?
Or NAS ?

She has tried setting alarms, not sure why they are not working, she has an alarm set to brush her teeth but then I go and ask her (before I go to bed) and she hasn’t done them.

She doesn’t get support at school, well not in the way of a EHCP, she’s at a very small high school/6 form and they have been brilliant with her so she’s never had a ECHP. She copes pretty well at school because it’s structured, she’s always on time, work done on time etc.., she’s just useless with personal care and is very untidy.

She should get support at uni but depends on which one she goes too as to what support will be available. I can just imagine me having to phone her to remind her to do things and her not washing her hair until she comes home. I have been trying to teach her to change her bedding and to cook a couple basic meals but it’s not going well 🤣. One of her uni choices is at a uni where she could stay in halls for the whole time she’s there which would be ideal for her, I’m not sure how she would deal with sharing a house/flat, I’m not sure anyone could put up with her if she can’t help cook and has poor hygiene 😕

She should get support at uni but depends on which one she goes too as to what support will be available

Maybe choose the Uni depending on the degree of support she needs being available?

An NT daughter of a friend said Halls in her uni were awful, mostly a 24/7 party and she couldn't get any sleep, but that's dependent not only on the Uni but also on the intake.

Some Unis have quiet houses that are shared by students with AN, so they are out of the hubbub of halls, so perhaps investigate that?
Some have en suites.

My DD has similar Dx, but seems to have less mobility than yours, e.g. needs a bath lift and assistance to get on and off it, can't stand for long, severe difficulty cutting, chopping, spreading, can't safely lift a pan with water or strain anything into a sieve or pour from a kettle, hands shake when pouring from a water jug or bottle etc.

For personal care, start now so she develops her own routines at home, then they will be automatic by the time she is at Uni.

If she can get in and out of the bath independently, a shower/tap attachment alone could be all she needs to be more independent, something like this www.screwfix.com/p/h-c-turn-dual-commercial-lever-bath-shower-mixer-bathroom-tap-chrome/25843
as she could use it whilst sat in the bath, so no need for wall-fixings and worry about slipping and falling whilst standing to use it.

There are a lot of aids to help with food prep, would they make it easier for her? Utensils with fat handles, gripper boards that hold a slice of bread in place so it's easier to spread. Non slip mats to stop bowls slipping on the work surface Anti fatigue mats for standing Have a look at the Complete Care Shop or similar to see what's available.

There will be a support office for those with additional needs. Under DSA which is part of Student Finance you can access support such as a mentor, equipment, access arrangement. Accommodation can be adapted and quiet, catered etc and there may be some available for carers. However bear in mind uni life is by definition less structured than school. She needs to be willing to ask for and accept help. Social life is whatever you make of it.

Ideally visit on open days, meet the support staff and ask what they can typically offer. It might also be worth working on her self care and independence, using an app to schedule regular tasks and tap hose attachments for hair etc. If she cannot manage a shower what about a bench seat over the bath?

I fear this for my DD also. We live next to an excellent university, world class, but many of the courses she's interested in don't run there. We have longer to prepare, but there never seems to be an improvement (e.g. in holidays she has to do bathing/hair washing/drying herself, to practise, but she never gets any better at it. I know what teenagers are like, so in term time I do it for her as I would hate her to be teased or bullied because her hair is greasy or she hasn't bathed.)
She can get sheets/duvet off, but back on is still tricky. She is terrified of running her own bath because she once flooded the house by wandering off when doing so, and the water covered the whole bathroom and dripped into the sitting room (which was how I discovered it!!). She will follow a timetable, so if I drew one up, she'd follow it...but imagine if a peer saw that in your room? What would they think?

Thank you, great advice, I will look at cooking implements and try and find a shower head to attach to the taps (we did have one but it was useless), hopefully once covid is sorted we will be getting a shower fitted as we are due a new bathroom through HA.

She is applying for 2 top uni’s and one other, she is predicted high passes and got 8/9’s in her GCSE, she is applying for oxbridge but we know her chances are slim so she has it in her mind that she will be going to Exeter. As far as I’m aware oxbridge has much better support and she can stay in halls for the whole course? She has been to visit but worry’s about how much walking will be involved, she’s unable to ride a bike (I know lots of students cycle). Exeter is closer to home so she’s pretty keen on going there, also she’s very left wing and believes Exeter is more left wing, not sure how true this is? She is unsure what course she will take yet, possibly English or politics.

I’m just so worried that she won’t last a month at uni without support unless I can get her doing more to look after herself.

haba that’s exactly like my dd , I feel I would have to call her to give her instructions. I have got her running her own baths now but often I have to remind her it’s running.

I am also facing this with my ds imminently, with similar issues to those you describe and also one of youngest in his year so the plan is:

• campus Uni so he doesn't need to leave site
• Uni within reasonable distance
• quiet accommodation
• year out to learn to drive (eek) and develop practical/independence skills
• DSAs should provide mentoring and other supports on site

It is a real worry tbh and if universities aren't back to some semblance of 'normal' we'll be encouraging him to do OU instead as he really needs consistency.

Most universities will allow those with additional needs to stay in halls for the duration of their course. Many universities now have quiet halls/flats, and even if they don't officially there are usually some that work out quieter anyway. For getting around DSA can include a travel allowance for taxi's &/or many universities allow those who need their car to take them whereas most normally discourage it.

Also think about whether sharing a bathroom and kitchen is possible or whether an ensuite is needed or a studio flat.

For personal care etc. it is possible to secure social care funding. Hopefully NoHaudin sees this thread because I think she mentioned on one of the education support threads she managed this for one of her DC.

I didn't think DD2 would be able to live in a house share but she found a couple of similar friends who shared a house last year and again this year. She still has an ensuite but it is more than I expected her to cope with.

It's very hard to deal with, because they are so supremely capable in some areas...and absolutely pants in others!

DD goes away annually for a week at a time for one of her special interests, and has since she was 9...but the state she comes back in... She loves the independence, and copes really well with most aspects, but is oblivious to any personal care needs. She loathes the smell of shampoo/conditioner/shower gel etc, (hypersensitive) even though we have tried probably every brand in existence.
She is improving at cooking though

To add, Bath Uni usually run a residential Autism summer school for autistic potential students (even if they're not applying to Bath) every year, I really want ds to do that before going away.

Thank you polterGoose, I shall look at that.

Would OT help? I was advised to go to one for my dd for organisational skills

@AMBC25

Would OT help? I was advised to go to one for my dd for organisational skills

We have had input from OT several times but dd is stubborn and because of her ASD she doesn’t really connect with the OT. It’s so hard teaching her simple tasks yet she can learn academic things very quickly 😂

It’s so hard teaching her simple tasks yet she can learn academic things very quickly
That's what most people fail to see, isn't it, the deficits in ability alongside the other skills. They just expect autistic people to be able to do everything at the same high level.

But as parents of autistic kids, we know different.

after lockdown or when we can have closer physical contact with a therapist, you may want to look into Alexander Technique. It's often used for good posture by horse riders and by actors. I took my daughter for some lessons and it was astounding how (to me) a seemingly unrelated slight physical exercise can somehow get the desired physical movement.

We didn't get chance to get as far as independent hair-washing because the teacher had to move quickly to care for a family member, but she had a suggestion for learning how to mimic the movements for DD washing her own hair over a sink or basin.

Stand her over the sink and instead of using water, use ping-pong balls in the sink. use a lightweight plastic jug to scoop them up, then she can try to pour them over her head. That should hopefully be one way of feeling where the "water" will hit the head and hair and it will produce the correct physical movements to carry out the task. Then get her to scoop the balls up and 'pour' herself.
Keep trying if she's interested, that's half the battle.

The ping pong ball method sounds perfect. Dd hates water, she won’t even lie down in the bath so I can’t get her to do it that way so practicing with ping pong balls could work.

Strongly recommend a gap year or two - dd was not ready at all at 28, so she worked in fast food which taught her life skills. She attended the local university and lived at home for a year then moved into halls very close to us so we could keep an eye on her

@haba You can buy a bath plug with an alarm attached so when the water gets to a certain height it goes off to remind you.